Grief

[dithl]

Not really looking for advice, just consolation from my awesome people on here. And letting you know why I have been absent lately. My mom has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. We don’t known how long, but she is not going to get better. We all know this day will come, but I am not ready. My mom has superhero status in my mind – and superheroes aren’t supposed to die.
I am tired of grieving. A few years ago someone suggested that meds allow me to feel emotion that I wasn’t able to feel before because of ADD fog. If that’s the case, then I almost want to quit meds for a few months because it hurts too much.
I am back at work after the holidays. It’s going to be tough to navigate – especially the parts that need a lot of concentration. I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks that my flavour of ADD means 1 thing at a time. e.g. it’s extremely difficult to think of grocery shopping on a day that I also need to visit mom. So I don’t know how I will be able to switch back and forth between two things that are so physically and mentally/emotionally demanding – work and mom.
Thanks for the space to “spill”, my friends.

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[blackdog]

@dithl

I’m so sorry. 🙁

From my own experience my advice would be to take it easy if you can. Reduce your hours at work or look into taking a leave, maybe apply for disability or employment insurance, if that’s possible. And spend as much time with your mom and the rest of your family as possible. Say everything you need to say and do everything you want to do.  Take advantage of the time you have.

This part is the hardest, the pre-grief period, when you know what is coming but you just can’t accept it yet. You will be riding the biggest emotional roller coaster in the world for awhile. You need to give yourself space to deal with those feelings. And don’t listen to what anyone else tells you about how or what you should feel or what is best for you. This is your journey and only you know the path to take. As long as you are taking care of yourself and staying healthy.

As for the medication, I can’t say. Maybe you should discuss it with your doctor. It might help you to go off it for awhile. Or you could try reducing it or adding an anti anxiety med to take the edge off. But that is really up to you and your doctor. You need to grieve but if the pain is unbearable then it might be good to do something to numb it for awhile.

And remember, you need to take care of yourself first. That’s the number one rule. Take care of yourself so that you will be able to take care of others.

 

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[jancave]

@dithl

I’m so sorry.

@blackdog is right, take good care of you.

My father was in the hospital for two years after a stroke.  We had never gotten along in life, but were able to heal so much in those two years.  We didn’t talk much, he held my hand, something he had never done in life.  I treasure the time we had together.

Please keep sharing…..

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[noreen]

It is really hard no matter what.

If you can reduce work hours that would be great.

Grief has a strong anxiety component so you may want to talk to your doctor. Even people without ADD go on antii-anxiety meds in situations such as yours.

Give yourself permission to laugh  – it helps.

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[allan wallace]

Ah, the cruel joke that is ‘life’, eh? 🙁

Sorry to hear of your mother’s illness, and it must be devastating to have to come to terms with the situation…cherish each moment with her, and pray for a miracle. Why not? It won’t make her any more unwell to pray. Doctor’s have been wrong before, and the spirit is stronger than the flesh, no?

Gee whiz, it’s bullshit like this that really bugs me. Our Governments are happy to squander gazillions of dollars on warmongering and space travel, but parsimonious with medical research to enhance our quality of life in comparison! My mum died suddenly 7 years ago and I still feel the ache in my heart from leaving so much unsaid….I hope that there is a happy outcome for you both…

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[blackdog]

I just read the first line of your comment again: “Not really looking for advice….”

So, sorry for all the advice. I guess it’s just a natural instinct, the need to do *something* to help.

Some good stuff from everyone here though. Laughter is always good. And if you are inclined to pray that certainly can’t hurt either.

And, since Allan Wallace brought the subject up, I have to say it is ridiculous how much money is wasted on useless things while they continue to say there is no money for things that matter, such as health care. Just think what kind of world we could live in if things like health and education were put first.

And that’s all I have to say about that. (not really, but now is not the time to go on a rant)

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[shutterbug55]

@dithl,

I am sorry to hear about your mom. If you would like to hear some advice from someone who has buried parents, siblings, comrades in arms, and friends… OH! and fur-people. They have always been there for me.

I will do my best to explain my beliefs. Until then, a shoulder and lots of hugs.

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[dithl]

Wow. Thank you all so much for your support. If I don’t respond to each post, please know I have read all of them and appreciate all of you.

@blackdog, I know 🙂 You are really good at advice, don’t ever stop your instinct to “jump in”. @shutterbug55 – yes, so glad we have a couple of fuzzies around.

Right now the tough part is trying to figure out care…staying home is preferable, but home alone is probably not wise…and not knowing how long makes it hard to know whether to take leave now or wait.

@noreen – thanks, I didn’t know that before about grief and anxiety. I guess looking back at my previous paragraph, it makes total sense. So many unknowns.

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[kc5jck]

@dithl – I have noticed your absence which is to say, you have been missed.  Sorry to learn why.

My mother will be 90 later this month and my father 94 next month.  I suspect I will be in the same situation you are in sooner than I would like, even though they are in relatively good health at present.

While those in this thread have been brought together by ADHD related interests and needs, we are glad that you don’t feel like you must be strictly limited to ADHD matters, but can seek support, consolation, and advice on other matters.

As jancave said, please keep sharing.  We’re your friends, we want to help.

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[blackdog]

@dithl Most people call it being a know-it-all. 😉

@shutterbug55 “Fur-People”. I like that. They are always there for you, no matter what. I think they really do understand too. At least, they know when we are sad. And they grieve too.

@kc5jck And your absence has been noticed too.

My dad was 82, my uncle was 88. And my mom is 79 now and doing okay but not great. I am afraid I will find myself in the same situation once again, sooner or later. Either way, it will be sooner than I am ready for it to be.

 

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[kc5jck]

@blackdog et al. – I have been getting on and reading, but you guys have been giving such good advice, at least in my opinion, that there wasn’t anything I felt I could add,  Keep it up.

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[dithl]

@kc5jck – your humour and cat photos. You can *always* add those :O) And thank you for your words.

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[dithl]

Sad to say, we lost a great lady last Friday. It came faster than any of us would have wished for, but nearly 4 months of debilitating illness was enough for Mom. We were very lucky to be able to spend some positive time with her after she became ill.

Thanks to all of you for your support. I haven’t been on here much, but you’ve been in the back of my mind. You’ll probably start hearing more from me again on TADD forums as we settle back into our “new normal” life.

Now off to see what I can do to fix the washing machine that chose the day before the funeral to break. At least it’s a distraction!

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[Scattybird]

@dithl,

I am very sorry to read your news. It’s a horrible thing to experience and losing a Mom leaves a big gap.

Allow yourself to grieve – it’s OK to feel desperately sad. She will always be with you in your heart.

My thoughts are with you.

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[Scattybird]

@dithl,

I am very sorry to read your news. It’s a horrible thing to experience and losing a Mom leaves a big gap.

Allow yourself to grieve – it’s OK to feel desperately sad. She will always be with you in your heart.

My thoughts are with you.

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