Grieving the losses – AGAIN

[Anonymous]

Over ten years ago, in my 30’s, I was diagnosed with ADD and started taking Adderall. I went through a rough grieving process. I don’t know why but I willfully quit taking my Adderall. At one point I even stopped taking my anti-depressant and ended up in a hospital getting ECTs.

Now, years later, after having lost many jobs and disappointed people at work and in my personal life due to my ADD issues, I am taking meds. I’ve been on them for about 6 weeks – Straterra – I’m up to 80 mg a day, Prozac 10 mg each a.m., and Klonipin at night. I’ve had a sleep disorder for over a year (anxiety? perimenopause?).

I’m unemployed and have picked up some small contract jobs here and there, but am afraid that my past problems in my industry might be the reason I’m not getting interviews despite applying for several jobs that my experience makes me qualified for. As my savings decrease (not enough contract work to cover the mortgage and utilities and etc) each month I get more scared.

I’ve made some major improvements since starting the Straterra – am getting my bills paid on time, have sorted through boxes and piles of paper work to file what I need and shred the rest, cleaned out all the closets with the help of a maid, and now feel like I can manage my home (I live alone so it’s not as if that should be difficult). However, I feel the grief over what I have lossed due to this disorder coming back.

I sabotaged myself by not sticking with the Adderall, and may have ruined my career.

Any advice on how to face the grief and work through it would be appreciated. I can’t really afford counseling – it’s taking all I can afford to pay the psychiatrist.

REPORT ABUSE

[Saffron]

You’re right to feel proud of all the logjams you’ve cleared since starting the Straterra.

Getting through that kind of stuff does kind of leave you feeling naked and alone with your regrets at first, though. It’s a good sign. Still, without all the insulation of your piles of undone stuff, it hurts just like a fresh wound that won’t stop bleeding.

When I’ve gone through periods of grief, the *only* thing that ever seems to finally lift me out of it and stop the bleeding is seeking out or stumbling on a new interest and immersing myself in it.

Engaging in whatever creativeness or activity goes along with the new interest gives me periods of “anesthetized” time in which to reflect and come to a new understanding. And learning to do (or learning about) whatever it is I’ve taken up acts as a therapeutic diversion. It’s as if the stimulation and freshness of a new pursuit serves to catch and reverse the downward spiral going on in my head.

My ability to sew and my skills as a gardener were both borne of times in which I was struggling to work through heavy grief. So were several of my reading pursuits, the two cool pets I have and at least one physical sport.

Take heart; it will get better again. And you’re being very courageous, so keep applauding yourself for that. So you sabotaged your progress before by stopping the Adderall. You know better now. Make a point of formally releasing yourself from that one as soon as you start to feel bigger than it once more, so it won’t be there waiting to suck you down again the next time you feel low. Write it down, put it in a drawer somewhere: you made a mistake, you’ve done the time, and you are not allowed to punish yourself anymore for it. (This is not the same as forgiving yourself, but it will eventually turn into that if you obey the new rule.)

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Hey I am right there with you. I gave up taking any medicationa and even went through a serious period of denial about whether I even had ADD. I am now getting tested again and it is all because about a month ago I hit rock freakin bottom and had no where to turn. I have been leaning heavy on my wife since then to help me get out of the hole I have dug. For the first time in about 8 years my life is heading in a truley posotive direction. I am not yet back on a medication but I am certain I soon will be as my inattention and impulsivness has increased exponentially over that last few years. The best thing I have found is to find someone to have a completely open relationship with, someone you can just talk to and get out all the things that irritate you. For me it is my wife for you it could be a freind or what ever you want, as a kid it was my dog LOL. I have been bullied beat up and knocked down for being ADD people dont understand at all what it is like and how overly frustratiing it can be to never feel level. Also I find my biggest help comes from working out, it get rid of the energy and the frustration I feel as well as helps me to sleep. I know it may seem like a lot but just go for a long walk or a run or something that will make you wear out ya know. It doesnt have to be some elaborate plan if you dont work out already here is what I do when I cant make it to the gym or out on my bike.

1-3 mile run

4 sets of 25

pushups

situps

standing squats

and hip thrusters

so it for fun if its to much do 2 sets or what ever you can make it what you want and it will help you to clear your mind. It iwll get better and I know this may seem dumb but feel free to get ahold of me if you have any questions about what I am talking about.

Stay strong, Stay posotive, And believe in you!!!!!!!!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with zgjp82 that excercise makes such a huge difference with me! I am also, pre you know what, and I have really started dealing with the symptoms alot more. I had started to do so much better once I realized what I was dealing with, and then, whammmy…pre menopause hit. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel so sorry for my new hubby, the girl he fell in love with disappeared. The more exercise I can do the better, but life happens, and sometimes it is just not possible, but we need to squeeze it in as much as possible!

I also agree with Saffron…you should feel very good about your progress! Keep it up! Don’t sabotage yourself the way that we are known to do…keep on keepin on!

REPORT ABUSE

[Lindstr7]

I feel so similar to Working2. I was on Facebook last night looking up old classmates from highschool. My best friend from HS is now a clinical Psychologist at the CDC. Me…. a frump-a-dump (ex) housewife. Unemployed, single-parent, no degree, no friends, basically no life. I had a dream last night that we were both running to catch a bus….. my legs wouldn’t move …. I shouted to hold the bus…. she got on it and i couldn’t move my lead-like legs, and the bus took off. So sums up my life. I see something I want but CAN NOT move to get there. Started on Ritalin 3 weeks ago and starting to see things more clearly, but GOD i feel so behind. I’m 50…. I feel so damn sad that my whole life was nothing but that dream repeated over and over and over again.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean Lindsr7! I have grieved the fact that my life was so misplaced and underdeveloped and it hurts to see others that have succeeded so much further than me. I have to say though, I have a wonderful beautiful family that loves me and I am so thankful for what blessings God has brought me regardless. I wonder what I could have been…..

REPORT ABUSE

[sdwa]

Same here. No “on paper” accomplishments, although I have accomplished many things – just not things that would count on the scorecard to anyone but me. Many episodes of depression throughout my life. Didn’t get the ADD diagnosis until I was 45, and by then so many years of misery, confusion, frustration, bad decisions, and exhaustion that I have all this emotional baggage piled on top of the ADD stuff. I could never understand how people launched careers in anything. I’d see them decide to go do something, and then do it – and I would be like – what? How did they do that? I’ve always been an outsider, watching people who were competent do things and get real jobs, as if they’d been given a magic key to a world I was permanently locked out of. Now, even though the challenges are the same, the mystery is at least solved, which is a starting point.

So, I would just add to what others have said above – there is no value in self-flagellation, or the coulda’s and shoulda’s. If you need to grieve, that’s okay, but just remember: ADD doesn’t define you. And there is no realistic way to know What Might Have Been.

I’ve found a greater sense of meaning in studying spiritual texts, and in creative projects, and also helping other people if I can. I’ve slowly developed a belief in a Creator who loves us unconditionally, and has created, and continues to create, an amazingly complex universe. The beauty of it is astounding. I’ve come to believe that being alive is itself pretty miraculous. I also know I am just a small, temporary being, so the higher values, like whether or not I’m kind to other people, or whether or not I helped someone today, matter more than how much stuff I have or my job title or how many diplomas are hanging on my wall. There is a great quote from someone, unfortunately I’m not sure who said it…the gist of it is that we’re here on this earth not to revel in our accomplishments, beauty, wealth, power, prestige, or what we own, but to bring out our own inner light, and to use it to make the world a better place.

Of course, this doesn’t help pay the rent, but it helps me keep things in perspective. What am I doing in my life that’s going to matter in a hundred years? I tend to think this is the stuff like being good to my children, so they are good to other people they encounter, and the ripple effect which comes from that. Or maybe someone was touched by my art or my writing, or maybe I said something comforting to a friend, or maybe did some kindness for a stranger that gave them hope or eased their loneliness, or maybe I just make life easier for my family. I mean, what’s life for, anyway? The greatest gifts I’ve received were acts of compassion from others.

REPORT ABUSE

[Shadow Nexus]

http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=850#post-7066

Read it. Maybe it will inspire you. It’s been very very bad life, but I could be homeless. Consider, things could be much worse for you. Survival mode stinks for you. Imagine two decades of it.

Also, I see people have meltdowns for some stupid trivial things. I think, “you flipped out OVER THAT.” Consider this time a test of will. How much can you take before you go insane? You haven’t put a gun to your head. Your still here. That’s a good thing.

Keep searching for work or trying independent business ideas. Your tougher than you think. One of ADHD peoples best traits is hyper-focus and tenacity. We tend to be single minded. Take advantage of that.

Plus get on food stamps and/or welfare, if you qualify. If not, wait till do and get it. Don’t make the mistake I did by letting your pride in the way. Suck it up and get help.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

VERY well said sdwa!!!!! You sound much like me! I am glad you have really found your peace with everything!

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts