Having a hard day of it…

[Johane]

So I was diagnosed with ADHD back in 2001. My then husband was less than supportive, to say the least. With knowledge and treatment, he lost the control he thought he had over me and became agressively abusive. Within a very short period of time, I walked out with the children and 1 suitcase in tow and made my way as far as possible from a very dangerous and volatile situation.

I had a hard time finding medication. I tried Ritalin and Ritalin CR. I even cut each pill into quarters trying to find the proper dosage. It was such a disaster, I still cringe at the thought of the side effects that I lived with. I could stay focused on task, but chaning tasks was virtually impossible. Loss of apetite? It was more than that, it was as if the part of my brain that dealt with food (from identification, to prep, to eating and enjoying…) was completely covered by a thick, thick layer of dark and sticky tar. As a chef, I can’t live with that.

It’s bad enough that I have ADHD and my life is best described as myself at the center of an ADHD tornado…

Like I explained to my new husband, I’ve always had ADHD. I know what it is. I don’t know what living a “normal” life is. I compared, rather crudely, ADHD to being deaf/mute from birth. I’ve never known anything different. So in fact, I’m living a normal life, it’s just not the normal “everyone else” knows.

For me, taking Ritalin was like putting in an implant that allows me to suddenly be able to speak, although I still don’t hear. Not only that, but as a nasty side effect, I’m now blind!

My ADHD has been an issue in our marriage. He’s concerned and he doesn’t understand some of the things I do. He is supportive though, and he’s gone to see a reputable psychologist specializing in ADHD. After a few meetings with this psychologist, there was no question, I have ADHD. They wanted me to be retested to identify where I fit on the spectrum. So I took the T.O.V.A. test. It confirmed that I have combined subtype ADHD. Not only that, but it’s rather pervasive. Now they are all excited to give me some Concerta and treat me.

In my mind I understand that Concerta is methylphenidate in a particular delivery form. From what I understand it’s a significantly smaller dose of methylphenidate, dosed out more evenly throughout the day. I understand that many have had better results with Concerta when compared to Ritalin. I understand this technically.

Today, 2 days before I’m to take 1 dose of Concerta 18 mg for T.O.V.A. testing, I’m crying because I don’t want to be “deaf and blind”. For me, the price of excellent control on my ADHD is currently to high. I mean, I came in 3rd in a provincial culinary competition (where you’re given mystery ingredients and you have 3 hours to come up with appetizer, entree and dessert)… After I had been on smaller and smaller doses of Ritalin over the period of 6 months, my ex-husband threw something in front of me and told me to do something. I was 2 minutes trying to figure out what the white mass was… 4 leg quarters of chicken. Then I was another 15 minutes to realize that I could put salt and pepper on it and put it in a hot oven for an hour to cook. For me, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I really feel like know one is listening to me. My husband, my psychologist… They seem to think that the Concerta will be like a magic bullet that will make my ADHD manageable. I know my ADHD affects my life. I’ve lost many jobs because of it. I have little follow-through, I’m much more an idea person, so my dream of owning a restaurant is likely out of reach. I live in the center of the ADHD tornado… as I move through life I see the damage that ADHD creates around me as the damage moves into my field of view in the center of the tornado. I know the frustration. I know the sadness when you cross that line you didn’t realize was there. I know the disappointment when things fall apart due to lack of follow through.

It’s the only reason why I’m willing to give Concerta a try… but I’m not holding my breath. In fact, I’m really stressed over the entire idea. I can’t describe the headache I have. I felt less stress going to court with my ex over child support and dealing with the constant sabotage he’s thrown my way as he tried to convince the children that living with him was better than living with me… So can somebody hold my hand on this?

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[trashman]

owo, we could be twins this is like reading my own sruggle. when you said you were an ideas person I didn’ know if there was abug on me and you lisening to the things I say a lot of the time. all I can tell you is I take 72mg of generic concerta when I get up . then after lunch I take another 36mg this gives me enough focus so I can try to typ or read abook or try to get some things done I have put off . is it a magic pill to fix for all my short comings NO. what it does do is makes me more aware of all the things that I have to address . the biggist thing for me is not to look at the long list or it gets to overwellming , so it’s as long as I remember one thing at a time it’s all good . I will admitt I spend to many times looking at the whole list and beating myself up about it. still to this day I have never found the value in that , but it seems to be the easyest thing to do , so I have a bad habit of repeating this pratice. this to is on the list. hope this helps.

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