Help & Advice Needed! (this is long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Good Morning Everyone! Newbie here!

I saw the ADD & Loving It Documentary this past weekend and I had something of an AH-HA moment!

I believe my boyfriend has ADHD. We’re in our late 30’s. I’ve known him for close to 20 years but for the first time after watching the program does the majority of his behavior seem to make sense now.

He’s constantly on-the-go. Mind always racing. In one breath he’ll say that he wants to go out for a drink, in the next sentence he thinks we should drive to Baltimore! lol Self medicates with beer & occasionally marijuana. Wasnt too great in school. Got in trouble fairly often. Was known as a bit of a fighter. Barely sleeps. Low self-confidence. Low self-esteem. Depression. Can’t be cooped up for too long before he needs to break out. Always needs something to do or else he gets antsy. Highly emotional/sensitive. Forgetful. Needs to be reminded of things pretty often. Has had trouble with the law. Impulsive. Doesnt think things through all the time.

At first I use to think, Well he comes from a rough neighborhood so this is how he’s structured. This is all he knows, this is how he survived. He’s not all chaos and drama. Everyone loves him. He’s incredibly friendly and social. People person and people pleaser. Awesome sense of humor. Loves to laugh and make people laugh. Loves to cook & be on the grill. Very accommodating to everyone he cares for. When he has a job thats physical & always presenting something new to him (he use to be a laborer but was laid off) he’s fine & will work until he drops. When he has a non-physical often mundane job (he was also a security officer) its as though he cant handle it.

Its so odd because we’ll have a few decent enjoyable low-key days & we’re fine. Then its almost as though he cant help but follow it up with some drama! As for me, I’m the exact opposite. I’m laid-back and not the most social person. I dont need to be out & about all the time. I’m perfectly ok being home with a good book or movie. I believe that this is genetic. The majority of his folks are highly active people. Always doing something. So at first I thought maybe that’s what it is. He seems genuinely confused sometimes by his own behavior.

He considers himself a burden. He can’t understand why he can’t “get it right.” He feels destined to always be a mess. He’s apologized a million times for putting me through alot. And yes I have considered just leaving it all alone but he has a heart of gold & he appears so lost sometimes. He has cried & told me that he does put up a good front but that he hurts on the inside. There are days when he has confidence and clarity. Then the next day/week something or somebody will set him off and then he’s back to feeling as though he’s just worthless.

I’m starting to really feel as though there might be a slight chemical imbalance there but this is a tricky subject. His son was diagnosed (he’s 14) with ADD I believe and my boyfriend was not happy with his child being on medication. To be truthful, I didnt really believe in ADD/ADHD either until I saw this program. So I would imagine that my boyfriend would not be too keen on hearing that he might be a candidate as well.

So what gives? What should I do? I dont know where to turn or who to turn to? Friends dont see why I deal with him at all. My family has known him forever and they dearly love him & encourage me to help and be patient. There are days when I am SOOO resentful and wonder why I gotta do every friggin thing! 👿 Then there are days when I’ve had a moment to regroup & recharge and I get back on the horse. I love him very much…I just dont know what to do! Money is a problem right now so I’ll need some tips, suggestions or something. I try to help him stay focused. I’ve given him crossword puzzle books and such. My mother will often have him mowing her lawn or putting down mulch. My family does try to give him things to do to “stay busy”….but I suck at that lol

I’m lazy compared to him! I just like to kick back & be mellow. Does anyone have any REAL advice?? Any really good books I should read? I’m a little on edge right now because I love him to pieces and the good truly does outweigh the bad but when its bad WHOA

Thank you to everyone who stuck around this long!

Sincerely Grateful,

Tee

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I wish I could give you more advise, but the only thing I can think of right now is if perhaps you could convince someone else in your family (that he is close to) to broach the subject of ADHD with him. Maybe they could watch the video, tell him they saw the video/program and it made them think of him, and then suggest he watch it with them to get his thoughts. I dunno. But even if you just suggest he gets some counselling it might help. A diagnosis might be the end result of some counselling. But I guess it all comes down to money, as well as his willingness to seek help (which means admitting there is some form of problem).

Some form of sport might help him with the excess energy. Regular exercise is always promoted at helping those with ADHD….and almost every other ailment under the sun lol.

I have heard “Delivered From Distraction” by Ed Hallowell is good (he has other books as well). I also like Chris Dendy, but she aims her work at teens, but if you go to her website (chrisdendy.com) then you can get a bit of useful basic information there without buying any books.

Sorry I can’t offer much in the way of useful advice. Hope you get things sorted out.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Thanks KK! Any bit of information is worth it to me. Also the exercise is a good idea. I was also thinking of seeing if he’d like to volunteer somewhere or join some type of team just to take the edge off? Sheesh this is ALOT of work but I get the impression that I’m his last hope

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Hey ILove NJ……sometimes acceptance is the key. If you love this person…..what’s the issue?? Sometimes love and acceptance is what is required. Support when asked for, is wonderful……..but just to be in a successful, loving relationship is good for the soul, good for self-esteem and self image. What could be better in life or more important????

I noticed you mentioned You had an ahhh-haa moment, not you partner?? That begs the question why?? What are his views, what would he like to do (if anything different). Does he have issues with himself?? Does he think in terms of being ADD?? Asking the right question(s),simple questions…. then sitting back and allowing a person to speak, and hear themselves, and their thoughts, is quite often a great aid for folks. No fixing, suggesting or advising, just listening, and reinforcing that you hear them is critical……it really can be a great help. I know most people like to rush in and save their friend or partner, but, uninterrupted listening is sometimes the best assistance there is. It takes patience on the part of the listener. It can’t be rushed, time needs to be set aside when nothing else is in the way, take the phone off the hook and shut off the distractions….it’s amazing what can come out. Finally, encourage your partner to stop at a high point, you can always talk again. Leaving on a positive high note can be encouraging for further conversation.

It’s not a race, your friend didn’t become who they are over night…..it may take quite some time for him to unravel his puzzle, if indeed that is what he wants to do. Remember you can’t do it for him……you can facilitate (or support) his doing it but, it is something he must do himself.

We all need find our own way……what ever that may be.

toofat

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts