He's just an Aquarian!

[justinwilliam87]

So the title was the way I was described as a child and then later into adolescence, I’m not a big astrology fan and never really saw much validity in any of it. Basically I’m here typing this because I am 27, changed careers a few times till i stumbled upon working with cattle and horses in rural Australia, which i was surprisingly good at. Again i was promoted, to HeadStockman which is a 2 IC position on a property. My role and the type of work i was exposed to is literally a chaotic fast paced high pressure non stop long hours with rarely a day off to enjoy a beer. Nailed it, loved it, though during this time I have sustained injuries galore. Quick example of major ones are Dislocated Shoulder, 3 fractured vertebrae, multiple concussions and a few other broken bones and dislocated fingers. Blah now I’m writing an autobiography.

I came here to seek advice, I have left this highly stressful fast paced life for a smaller property which is closer to family and much much MUCH less taxing on my body and mind. And here’s the kicker, all of those things i was told at school and home have come racing back. Inattentive, lazy, unmotivated yadi yadi yada. The way i have learned to work with some of/ most of these issues is to build up an urgency right from the morning before work and keep the momentum going all day otherwise I lose it and then once again become lost. This routine i have clashes with my new employer who is quite happy to sit around and “take 5” repeatedly during the day. He constantly tells me to chill out and relax, that i don’t need to be doing something ALL THE TIME. I fidget, over-think say random things and generally cant get my shit together when we “pull up for 5”. Cant really remember ever saying that I’m bored, though i find so many things boring. If something is boring to me then I’m gone, whether its in my thoughts or physically looking for something else to do.

Anyway I completely have no idea of what my original point was that i tried to make. . . . . . I guess after all of this and having my GP and Psychologist say they think i have ADHD and i need to see a Psychiatrist, I have no idea of what to do until i can see one.

Hey when i people say i overthink things, i have since realised that when i do its basically at the time the subject is raised. In other words if i am asked a question then as i answer my brain is still popping out other solutions and scenarios to the point that i havent really answered the question but given so much information that both whoever asked and myself are overwhelmed. Then just like that i say “BOOM” there’s your answer.

Make sense?

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[justinwilliam87]

Yeah so i guess i kinda lost everything i wanted to say there. Nil caffeine has that effect on me. Basically i wanted to say that I’m kinda having doubts about a diagnosis due to the fact that i have had great success but still really struggle with everything. Relationship wise, my partner and i have many issues, i only really have one mate, really struggle during quiet times etc. I dunno, people say that you have to talk to get things off your chest but every time i do it seems like i say the wrong thing/ don’t get my point across or have people tell me that I’m normal and like the rest of them. Well yeah I am normal, so why the hell isn’t everyone on my plane of thought? Guess just see how it plays out right?

 

 

 

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[ladylavender]

This is very interesting to me—I was diagnosed a few weeks ago and I had no idea. I’m 48 and really thought that I was lazy/crazy/stupid, though I’ve never really felt stupid. Ineffectual, yes, but not stupid.

 

 

So what I am getting from this is you can’t reconcile your success as a high-level cattleman with the possibility that you may also be adhd? Or am I missing something? In the few short weeks since my diagnosis, I’ve researched the condition and over and over have read that most with adhd do very well at intense, physical, demanding, exciting careers. What you have stumbled on is a very important piece of information about how your brain ideally functions. years ago I trained as a high end pastry chef. I was a quick study and really picked it up quick. I was on my feet for 10 hours a day and everything I did was organized, planned and purposeful. There were no “coffee breaks”, and I did well. I didn’t make much money and no benefits so eventually I left for something much more conventional where my performance was much more uneven. And I could go on and on about the jobs that came after. My point is that all these years later, knowing I have adhd, it makes sense that that job was a good job for me and some afterward were not. It all makes sense now. do not be afraid of your condition, if indeed you have it. It’s just information about your brain that you can use to plan to be successful.  Does that make sense. Don’t waste time on judging yourself harshly–it’s a condition, not a choice or moral failing. You might be a terrible accountant but a brilliant cowboy–not that you have to break your body, but if you ACCEPT your condition, you can get on with it.

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[justinwilliam87]

I’m picking up what your putting down, I first came across researching ADHD about two years ago whilst looking for ( and now that i have a name and a diagnosis) information about RLS. It really came as a huge surprise that there were other people who suffered from the same thing that i did. Ever since i was a child this creeping/ electric ant feeling has haunted and gotten worse to the point that I was desperate after seeing a couple of doctors who had no idea of what i was talking about. One actually laughed at me which was more hurtful than i could ever put into words, so after nothing from doctors i started looking for answers myself. (One doctor decided i was depressed, how? Meh i have since learned that some anti-depressants and anti-histamines make RLS worse) This is where i first saw that there was a link between RLS and ADHD, to which my first reaction was “Pfft, whatever, i just need to run and do heaps and never slow down in order to sleep. I dont have an attention problem”.

That was over two years ago and this whole ADHD thing has kept creeping back into my thoughts which in turn made things that people said about me stand out a bit more. As in “Wow you must have been ADHD as a child” My reply “Nah i was never the naughty kid”. As if i were trying to fool myself, i was always the naughty kid, the list is huge of my nefarious exploits.

So after having some issues with the change of pace and even though the actual work is near identical, we have a different routine here now, my partner pushed me to seek help. I literally exploded with what i was feeling and the way that my head will just never shut off. I was living of roughly 3 Hrs sleep a day at the time, could not switch off at all. While we were with the GP I was as usual looking at any and everything in the room. After realising something was said as all the attention was on me I looked to my partner who said “It’s your decision, you decide”. My utter bewilderment must have shown because the doctor asked what was wrong. I then decided that i didn’t care if he thought i was Nuts so marched into a detailed story of how i was listening to him, making eye contact, he looked to my partner, my eyes followed, on the way over though! I saw a fax machine! Eyes come back to the doctor? Nope, that fax machine, why is it on the floor? Is it broken? Must be. . . Geee i just wanna rip that fella apart and have a good look inside, maybe i could fix it? If i couldn’t i could learn to. That’d be awesome knowing all about circuitry and how it all fits together, just like in Tron. . . . . . . .  This is where i realise that something was said and all eyes are on me.

So he referred me to a Psychologist, who basically told me that my sleep was F$*ked, his words. After seeing him four times now and having my RLS ABOLISHED!!!!!! Oh my god, Its so unreal to not have this sensation anymore! And sleep somewhat normalised, even though i need, and i know all about sleep hygiene but the only way i can go to sleep at a decent hour is to have a TV with David Attenborough playing in the bedroom.

Anyway, my Psychologist has told me that i need to see a Psychiatrist in order to get diagnosed for him to go any further with me. Being only a small town i wonder if he has other people see him like me. Overthink it why don’t you Justin. Kidding.

So i guess that after seeking answers online, I now have more questions though i now have a direction to point them in. It wasn’t until i started reading other people’s personal journey’s that it all started to become real for me. This whole denial process i had in my head just collapsed after reading and knowing first hand all of these things that affect people with ADHD. I feel a bit of a faker/poser/cheater as i actually don’t have a diagnosis. Ahh waiting is so much fun. But yeah, this site is basically the first place that i have thought “Maybe I can fit in here”. Without the judgement, people telling me i must be on drugs  because there is no way that any normal person could be the way you are.

So I believe my acceptance will come with a diagnosis, because even though I believe a diagnosis is inevitable, there is still that part of me that says “Come on man, we don’t have any conditions. We just happen to tick most of the boxes, so what, that doesn’t mean anything”.

I read a thread about finding it hard to keep a grudge, I have tried to explain this to people over the years who just cannot understand. It’s like a come across as someone who doesn’t care about anything. Not so, I can’t explain it.

Sorry ladylavender, I yarble. Really need to write down what i want to say BEFORE i start typing.

 

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[ladylavender]

What I get from your writing is that you really enjoy being you, and yet are frustrated by your behavior as well. You enjoy the idea of really mastering the cowboy work and being the kind of guy who will take on a fax machine as well. Being able to do both of these things (and many more) are what make you, you. We live in a world where if you are pretty great at something, it only makes sense that you would pursue it and turn it into your lifes work–and that’s where our interest dies–as adhd’ers to limit our brains to one kind of work or activity over and over makes our eyes glaze over.

Since you know that intense physical, exciting work helped you thrive, you now know that you need to keep your life and challenges exciting and engaging to be successful (and by success I mean enjoying  your life and who you are). It seems that in addition to medication, heavy exercise,  and meditation,  systems and routines are vital to keeping things healthy and “normal” for adhd’ers. In my limited reading so far systems and routines also seem to be one of the biggest stumbling blocks. For myself just starting out, I know that as a brilliant “starter” I often go overboard and bite off too much too quick, can’t stick to the grandiose routine I’ve established, feel like a failure, and quit, and the result is “routines  donmt work”. But I am wondering how many adhd’ers, when they are drawing up their lists and routines, plan for excitement and high stimulus activities?  If we are DEPRIVING ourselves of the real excitment we need to feel healthy, of course our minds are going to founder on endless trivialities.

At this point I can also see that the more “stuff” I can get rid of, the more simple and open my living space, the more room I will have for REAL excitement and stimulation.  There is a point where all the ephemera collected over the years  from my many interests becomes a chorus of judgement and condemnation–could have, should have, would have—and are no longer  invitations to creativity . Out they go. No regrets. The money is gone, the space, silence, and order are more valuable at this point and I know that with my brain, there will always be more.

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[ladylavender]

One more thing, don’t worry about being “official” yet. You are the one, true expert on you. If you were nearsighted would you say well, I think my sight is bad but since a doctor hasn’t declared it so yet I better just assume my sight is fine? Makes no sense, right. The evidence is in our heads and our lives.

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[dithl]

@justin: …or acceptance will come after diagnosis. Or in spits and starts. Love this line, “Come on man, we don’t have any conditions. We just happen to tick most of the boxes, so what, that doesn’t mean anything”.
Most important thing is figuring out any obstacles to living a life you love, then start tearing them down. Or side-stepping them. And you don’t even need to call it ADD if you don’t want to.

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[blackdog]

Hey @justinwilliam87, welcome to T.A.D.D. 🙂

I haven’t read everything here yet. Don’t have the concentration needed right now (bad day).

My first thought when reading the OP was that you have the right idea with creating that sense of urgency, getting “wound up”, and then not stopping. I know as soon as I stop, I’m done for. A 5 minute break turns into 5 hours of reading through forums, checking email, looking at all the shinies on Think Geek, Googling random stuff that pops into my head……

The one thing you have to watch out for though is that you’re not just running on adrenaline. Having high adrenaline levels all the time is not good for your body. And some of us (myself included) will create crisis situations as a way of getting motivated, by procrastinating or taking on too much, which is also not good.

The next thing I thought while reading your post is that maybe you should try explaining to your boss. Just tell him why it is you don’t like to take breaks. And maybe try to find something to keep busy with during those 5 minute breaks, some little thing you can do that won’t disrupt your boss’s break but will keep your mind occupied. You are lucky in a way to have an easy going boss because that laid back attitude might mean that he will be mor understanding and accommodating than others.

Whether or not to get an ADHD diagnosis is entirely up to you. It won’t really change anything, unless you feel you need medication or counselling, which I don’t think you do.   But it might not hurt to go through the process anyway, just to confirm that it really is ADHD and gain a better understanding of who you and make sense of some of those parts of your life that don’t make sense. And it might give you access to some resources, like financial support, if you are ever in a position where you are unable to work.

One more thing: It is very possible to have ADHD and be successful. You were lucky enough to find something that you are good at and like to do where your ADHD symptoms don’t get in the way. That’s all it takes. Most people with ADHD are very smart and capable, when in the right environment.  So don’t doubt the diagnosis just because of your success.

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[justinwilliam87]

Thanks guys, i really love this site. The support and positive atmosphere is truly a great big gulp of fresh air.

Ok so I’m gonna try to keep this short, got a 10 minute timer on myself for computer use, otherwise I’m like @blackdog and googling, youtubing and whatever else I do on a PC.

As I’m on a timer (5 mins gone already!!!!!!!!) I’d better just say that I really appreciate the comments posted and have a bit of good news. Got myself an appointment with a Psychiatrist for this week. Not really looking forward to it but I just want to get it over and done with, otherwise I will procrastinate and put it off until anxiety grabs me by the shoulder. So I think i have all I need for the appointment and we shall see.

Gone over my 10 minutes now (Damn you facebook and Google images of Great Danes) so i shall have to bid you farewell.

Cheers

BTW i really wanted to talk about every ones posts here so don’t think I’m rude or dismissive or . . . . . . ADHD? Ha, I just had no idea of what i would find on my post when i allotted myself to 10 mins. Or is it 20 mins now?

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