How can I make my mother understand?

[sketchesnscribbles]

First off, I am 20 years old, I have ADD and I live with my mother. I was kicked out of high school (I wasn’t a discipline problem, I just had so little credits that they told me not to bother coming back), I don’t have a car or a driver’s license(Because my mother deemed me incompetent behind the wheel of a vehicle, in other words, she was too lazy to teach me how to drive and she didn’t want me using her vehicles, she has two.), I am trying to get my GED ( I am studying for the math section, because that is the subject that scares me the most.) I live in the middle of the boonies, no nearby bus stops or other modes of public transport. My mother keeps telling me that I am too lazy to get a job and that if I really wanted one that I would have one by now. She does not realize that I need a GED in order to even get a simple fast food job, I also need the means to get there. My mother refuses to help me with transportation or anything. All while this is happening, my mother is complaining that I don’t do enough for her around the house. I clean up after her, but she wipes it out the second she passes through. I used to cook for her, but stopped when she started bashing my cooking skills. (I was 14 when I stopped cooking for her.) I clean as much as I can, but I also need to be careful not to exert myself (I am anemic and an asthmatic.) and my short attention span keeps me from finishing what I am doing. I try to clean and leave energy for studying, but she says that I am just lazy. How can I make her understand that I am doing everything I can to better my life?

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[Wgreen]

You’ll probably get several people offering some advice. Mine would be this: Your mother may or may not ever understand. You have no control over that. What you DO have some control over is trying to get to a doctor who can get you on some meds. It sounds like you could also use some counseling/coaching. But the bottom line is you need to try to get mentally healthy(-ier). Then you can begin to work on your other issues. As long as you’re in a neurological rut, life is gonna be tough.

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[sdwa]

Just want to say, good for you trying to get your GED.  I took the GED when I was 25.

Sorry your mother is not more supportive. My family wasn’t supportive of me, either – they just didn’t get it. It is hard to remember sometimes that we know – better than anyone else – how much of an effort we’re making, and what that means to us, even if others can’t see it. I agree with Wgreen that your mother may never understand, and it’s a crummy feeling to live with someone who puts out negative energy when you are trying. But there are people out here who DO get it. I think it’s very brave.

Living in the sticks is isolating and makes transportation difficult. I have a driver’s license, but hardly ever drive because I hate it. Still, when I have to, it is a good skill to have.

If she won’t teach you, would your mother be willing to help you pay for driving lessons? Personally, I think for anyone, having a parent teach driving is the worst thing you can do – because they are always hysterical about it. That is not unique to you, or even to people with ADHD – I think it’s true for everyone – something about the parent/child/car relationship. It would seem logical that she would help you get your GED and learn to drive – that way, you could get a job and move out!

Families. Ugh.

Hang in there. You are doing the right things. If you are not on medication, it can help. The first time I tried it, things that seemed so difficult and out of reach became possible right away. It allowed me to experience myself differently. Just know if it works for a while, it might not work forever and may need to be adjusted – but it can really help.

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[blackdog]

My advice is get your GED, get your license, get a job, and then get out!

That is of course only my opinion, and only you know what is best for you.

Talk to your doctor about treatment options, like the others suggested. You could also look into getting some kind of support. ADHD is a recognized disability and there may be services available to assist you.

Also, keep talking to your mom. Try using different tactics, maybe approach the subject more indirectly. Like, for example, look at the help wanted ads and pick out a job, call the employer and ask them about requirements, then go to your mom and say “hey, I found this job, but they won’t hire me until I get my GED/license.”

I take care of my mother, who is elderly and disabled, and I don’t drive, need to find a job and want to go back to school. So we actually have a lot in common. And my doctor and my psychotherapist have both told me it’s too much for me to handle on my own and I need to get help.

Don’t try to carry the world on your shoulders.  You have to take care of yourself first. Do that and everything else will get better.

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[sketchesnscribbles]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.
The problem with getting a driver’s license is that she refuses to even pay for the classes. She wants me to be like my sister ( My sister got a job and paid for her classes herself.) I keep telling her that I can’t do that and she thinks it’s just me being a lazy brat.

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