How do I handle my husband's addictive behaviour?

[Anonymous]

I married a wonderful man this year after we had been dating for 3 years. He was diagnosed with ADD as a child and tried medication when he was a child. During his highschool years he realized he could self medicate with marijuana. This habit continued for 10 years. When I met him he was clean but he soon started after we started dating. It started of as casual usage and increased to around the clock. I took a tough stand with him and asked him to stop, I couldn’t go on living with him like that. He got angry and wrote a letter to an exgirlfriend (I found it a month after he wrote it) asking to have her back and that he loved her and should never have left her. My heart was broken. This was a man that I was engaged to and he was trying to leave me for his exgirlfriend. She never responded to his letter thankfully and it was after this letter that he agreed to go to ADD counselling with me. We saw our counsellor weekly for a year and it really helped my husband understand his ADD. My husband is impulsive and has an addictive behaviour.

Well we moved out of state and to a new community. We had to leave our counsellor behind. My husband went out of town for work and was gone for 2 weeks. I just found out that during that time he contacted another exgirlfriend. This one responded to him and they were intouch for 3 days. I only know what happened because I found a text message she sent him. My husband told her that he loved her and missed her and they had an inappropriate relationship on skype (which completely crushed me). My husband ended it when he left to come home. I confronted him and felt that I could not stay with him. This crossed the line. He swears it meant nothing and he loves me more than anything. Our consellor told us that this is his addictive behaviour and it’s almost like he becomes a different person. I know my husband loves me but I am so hurt by what he did to me and to our marriage. He swears he will never do it again but that’s what he told me after he tried to contact his first exgirlfriend.

I have been working to get past this and work on forgiving him. But last night I found a lot of porn on his phone. I am scared that this is just part of his addictive behaviour and it’s starting all over again. I am scared he will cross the line again and that he’s in denial about how serious his addicitons are. He feels so bad for hurting me and tells me his self esteem is at an all time low and that he looks at porn because it gives him a moment of release. I am worried that he is in a difficult situation with his addicitons right now and wonder if medication would help him. He tried Concerta briefly and said he felt numb on it. What can I do?

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[Wgreen]

Lee, you don’t need amateur help. You need professional help. ADD—in many people—is like a cancer of the soul. But who knows what all your husband’s issues are? Find a pro. And good luck.

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[munchkin]

I know every situation is unique, but from extensive personal experience, and what many other women have shared with me, your husband probably needs help from someone other than you. He has to believe he needs help. As long as you continue providing support to him, while he is engaging in self destructive behavior, you are helping him stay sick. You are in a heart wrenching situation, and you may want to seek out the support of other women who have gone through this. A counselor, clergy person can point you in the right direction depending on your situation. You are not alone, you are not the first person to ever go through a situation like this. This is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility to fix, no matter how much you would be willing to sacrifice to fix it. Please seek out help with your situation – there is wonderful help out there, and you can get to the other side of this, but it’s a challenging road. My heart goes out to you Lee.

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[JOATMON]

Lee9,

I agree with Wgreen and munchkin. This issue is much larger than just your husbands behavior, and the subsequent self esteem issues it generates for you. It is counterintuitive, but, I joined a support group that was just for me (not my ex’s behavior, lack of regard whatever). I found it to be very helpful and it greatly changed my perspective on how I was treating myself and my boyfriend at that time. There must be many groups in your area, and most of them are free. You might ask Dr. J for recommendations as I do not think it is appropriate to post group names here.

Best wishes for peace, love and light in your world.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you for all your thoughts and comments. I agree that we need professional help and I am setting that up right now. I am wondering if anyone has had a similar experience? I know my husband loves me more than anything and I know he’s still in recovery and will be for a long time. I am wondering if medication would help with his recovery? I need to be able to trust him again and not worry that he is going to cheat on me just because he’s bored.

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