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How in control are we, really?

How in control are we, really?2010-10-04T08:41:10+00:00

The Forums Forums Ask The Community How in control are we, really?

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  • #88561

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I feel under huge pressure to change my behaviour. After all, it’s my behaviour, and I can’t change anyone elses…

    But how justified is this? I’m not saying that we shouldn’t try to modify behaviours that affect our life and relationships negatively, but given the strong evidence for all the biological components of it, is it right that the onus always seems to be on us?

    I spoke to my psychiatrist recently and he agreed with me that, when ADHD poses problems for me and my partner, it’s something we must both work on together.

    I feel like, a lot of the time, the best I can do is tell my partner what’s going on and what I think he can best do to help me manage it. This probably makes him feel that I’m always asking him to change, but there are so many things which are just so DIFFICULT to manage that it takes all my effort just to get some moderate level of control over them, and even that doesn’t happen often. Sometimes I feel as though the only way these things can be managed is if he does things a bit differently in order to balance what’s going on with me.

    So where is this balance struck? Where do we say “I’ve made as much progress as I can on my own, this is where you need to come in to support me”? At what point do we say “I’m working on this all the time, but I can’t do it properly unless you start doing X”?

    How do we differentiate between that which we can control, and that which we can’t?

    And how does one approach it? Especially if he feels like I’m asking him to do all the work – how do I get across that I’ve felt like that all my life and that I just need someone else to take the reins a bit, before my spirit burns out from the constant effort of maintaining a relationship?

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    #95647

    Carry
    Participant
    Post count: 119

    I want to ask you a few things, a lot of things actually!

    Maybe to clarify your story to me, maybe to clarify your story to you?

    change:

    Why do you need to change your behavior?

    What exactly is causing the problems? (behavior?/ADHD?/Patrick’s sore toe?)

    Whose problem is it, just yours?

    manage:

    What needs to be managed and who’s responsible?

    Who’s putting the effort into it?

    Is it your sole responsibility, or do you just feel like it is, because ‘it’s your disorder that’s the root of all evil’ ?

    help:

    What do you want him to help you with?

    What does he think you’re asking him to help you with?

    are you on the same track:

    Do you feel that he’s taking the right amount of responsibility and putting in the right amount of effort?

    Does he feel that you are?

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    #95648

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Hi Nimthiriel!

    From my experience, living with another person is very hard, especially when you are in a relationship with them, ADHD or not.

    It’s too easy to blame ADHD and the person with it.

    Everyone has (perceived) bad habits they need to address in order to get along with the other person. I say ‘perceive’ because what we were brought up thinking is acceptable may be totally unacceptable to someone else.

    It’s not always one person’s fault at anything. The trick is to find someone that life is easier with, rather than having to work at the relationship all the time. It gets tired after awhile.

    (I’ve lived with four partners longer-term and married two!)

    My husband and I are a good fit, have to work on a few things just like everyone else, but it wasn’t as big of a deal as when I was with my other partners. One was a complete disaster and he was also an ADHD person! I had known him as a great friend for many years so it was a shock when we bombed.

    I guess what I’m saying is there comes a point at which you may or may not have to realize that the two of you are different and separate types. You may both choose to honor this, accept the differences and work around them or they may just be too much to continuously keep having to revisit.

    Also..not to be rude, but it is worth thinking very hard about what you are left with when you take sex out of the equation. Sometimes that can blind you when you are trying to think objectively about the relationship.

    ‘Why does it bother you that I’m not like you?’

    This seems to be at the root of a lot of people’s fights, whether friends, family or strangers!

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    #95649

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    My partner and I have a very good realationship, even outside of sex. We have a lot of fun together and enjoy each other’s company a lot, so that bit’s not something to worry about :-)

    Scarfox: Some of my reactions (like blowing up when my brain freezes) are things I find incredibly difficult to control. At best, I can give a warning just before I storm off which isn’t “F*** YOU!”, so this is a problem behaviour.

    We’re working on little things we can both do to mitigate it, but it’s not easy because there’s very little worning, and he can’t yet pick up the external signs that my brain is freezing and shutting down. The advice from my psychiatrist was that, when it does happen, we need to analyse the lead-up once I’ve recovered so that we can work on making it less likely in future.

    That’s the main issue we have right now.

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    #95650

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I hear you loud and clear, Nimthiriel. I have been where you are before. Here is what I have learned after fighting.

    You can’t do it all at once. Pick one thing that is a problem. Pick a small goal and keep trying to accomplish it. (You will get better as you go along ) You will definitely want to wait until it kinda blows over but not so long that you forget it. Both of you will need to be totally honest about how you feel. If you think someone is insinuating stuff ask them if they mean more than they are saying. Then believe their answer. Voice clearly what you learn and intend to do differently. Ask for the same from your partner. Also apologise to each other. Even if you both know those things spelling them out reinforces it for you and him.

    You will have some intense “discussions” with your partner. You will only work through stuff if you and he are committed.

    The advice from your psych is what my husband and I have been doing for a while now. It is hard work. But if you keep at it youu will look back someday and be impressed with how far you both have come.

    Right now I am fighting emotional outbursts triggered by my birth control pills. We have been working on this for over a year now. I have just in the last month discovered that stress iis a trigger. Sim/ply realizing that is a freeing feeling.

    Now I k now where to start. I have found that fruit helps stabilize my moods. I don’t know why and I don’t care. It helps and I’m good with that! I have learned how to try to feel bad for him that he has to deal with my issues – it helps me not be angry with him. I have gotten better at recognizing what is happening when I am so frustrated. I can even tell him sometimes that I am starting to get crazy. When you can get to a place where you can say it before it gets too bad it helps you to keep from getting so lost in the emotion.

    My husband had benefitted bdecause he better understan ds me. He is getting better at not taking it personally. He is learning how important his reactions are.

    All of this has taken over a year and is not handled yet but I am not so overwhelmed as I was at first. I realized I can only do a little at a time anyway so worrying about how I can fix me isn’t helping.

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    #95651

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Also you mentioned the pressure you feel. If you can you will want to try to use that to motivate you and not let it crush you.

    This excites me because it it something I know. I am excited to have truly figured out what I can change about me and what others nweed to accept. It is a whole process and your post reminded me how special it is that I have begun learning that process.

    I hope for all the best for you and your partner in your process!! :)

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    #95652

    Carry
    Participant
    Post count: 119

    Wow.. that’s quite something to deal with.

    I assume your psychiatrist asked of you both to describe the situations and the events that lead up to the ‘explosion’?

    That’s always been a very interesting part of my therapy. The simplest of things provide the strongest eye openers, in my experience.

    I hope you’ll be able to ‘enjoy’ your growth as much as you do eachother!!

    Wish you a clear mind and a lot of happy insights!

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    #95653

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Unfortunately, my partner couldn’t be there for that appointment. We did see a psychologist about it, but didn’t really get far with analysys of the situation itself, but we’re seeing her again tomorrow so we’ll see how it goes.

    Thanks for your well-wishes :-) It’s definitely an *interesting* journey ;-)

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    #95654

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    The question is … how much is anyone in control of their lives? if they are not plagued with one condition they are plagued by another. Personnally I think itis a matter of perspective. If we don’t use it we will lose it. Things are seldom what they appear to be.

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