How to discuss meds for our son with my ADD unmedicated husband?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your video…it helped me realize that alot of the things my husband does..mid conversation with me switching subjects, tuning me out and blanking out events/conversations, etc is not something he is doing on purpose. It even helped to explain the past affairs I learned about and the blurting of mean/ nasty attacks that he didnt seem to understand why my feelings were hurt. I am still confused about just how much control an unmedicated ADD adult has over following thru with the impulsive thoughts…can you stop things before you carry them out or is the train moving too fast and you get lost in the moment?

But now our son, who is now entering high school is showing behavior (distracted to the point of being disruptive) in school, as well as finding himself following others and then being confused why (he suddenly went to safeway instead of home type of thing) he makes certian choices. There is not drug use on his part, and no incredibly poor choices/behaviors yet, but I do not want him to continue to be frustrated by being in trouble in school. He has grown up with seeing his dad go to mow the yard, mower meeds gas so it turns into tearing apart the garage and so forth. I know this distracted behavior upsets my husband when he finds himself on a roll…I dont want to see our son grow up feeling the same way. I talked with our GP and our son about considering medication…but I think it frightens him. How to I bring this up to my husband without making him feel 1. as part of the reason our son is this way 2. Not like is broken as well and I dont want our son to end up like his father (ie so medicate him since his dad is so bad)

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Dawn….here are some thoughts…….for you.

Not all people with ADD need meds…….I for one do not take meds…….I did for some time, but no more, and my life is fine, and I have been married to the same woman almost 40 years and raised two fine ADD children. Be aware though….many others find great support in a regime of meds. Meds alone are not likely, an answer, there is no magic pill….they can be a great “leg up”….and a boost for some in mitigating some bothersome or problematic ADD traits. Understand, ADD is a condition that falls on a spectrum…… meaning that how ADD presents is likely going to be different for everybody….traits…strength of traits…frequency, triggers…all of that. There is no “one ADD”…people whose brain process(s) in an ADD mode are as different as snow flakes, also, many traits non-ADD people have, appear similar to ADD. It’s tricky so…..read, read, read, learn…..educate yourself FIRST.

Second is diagnosis…….getting a definitive yes or no from a medical professional is key!!! Reading and self-education now will be a huge asset if/when talking to a medical professional…….they are only as good as what you can feed them!!!!

Third is if you are having relationship issues…..I would urge you to see a professional counselor…..if you have to go on your own so be it, that might even be better, at least at first. An ADD counselor is not critical….. but the quality and cerebral ability of a counselor is. Issues are issues….and getting them vetted and developing understand and strategies from BOTH side of the relationship are critical.

So there is some food for thought…….not advise…..but things to consider. Hope that helps….

Toofat

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the reply. I now accept that it is my husbands choice to take medication or not; as is my choice to determine how much I can take with the behaviors. I have made alot of changes to make life easier for him; taking over finances, limiting to do things to 2 no more than 3 things…happy if 1 gets done. I have accepted that he cannot help the random thoughts and will blurt, but have set limits to what acting on them I can tolerate. But for our son, what things will help him in the abscence of medication to manage in the classroom? At home, I guess I function as their medication by running around at picking up the pieces but I cannot help hime get thru the school day, and then he gets bullied by fellow students for being a goof off and in trouble with teachers as well. As for counseling, we were in marriage counseling when my husband started having his 3 affair, and that’s when I found out about the others. I have considered individual counseling again, but the common answer I have gotten from therapy is either live with it or leave. It is a very big deal to me to limit someone’s parenting but things like remembering to feed the kids when I am not there to take care of it can be a big thing for him to remember. It just plain hard thinking for two adults and two kids all the time and feeling like there is no back up. Thanks for listening to be whine. Its like this big elephant in the room that he wont talk about.

REPORT ABUSE

[kc5jck]

Dawn – You might look at http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=256

The thread has some questions/problems posed/discussed by wives of husbands with ADD. It may help.

And as Toofat says, educate yourself first.

http://totallyadd.com/forum/topic.php?id=2368 might also be of interest to you.

REPORT ABUSE

[ipsofacto]

Dawn, My take on your situation is that unless your husband is motivated to change and get help, things will only get worse. With one and possibly two ADHD kids growing into teens, there are many more things that could go wrong. It isn’t just the problems with motivation and attention that will cause problems; there are likely to be emotion regulation deficits as well. ADHD teens have a good chance of developing Anxiety, Depression and very possibly Oppositional Defiant Disorder in the wrong environment.

My ADHD is very much under control now, but providing the best environment for a teenager with ADHD is still very challenging.

I can only second the advise above; get educated on ADHD and not just those list of symptoms, but about the less obvious deficits and how they manifest themselves in different age groups.

If you can get your husband to get help (and you’ll need an understanding of the adult ADHD mind to do that), the future may be turn out very differently.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I appreciate the help. Last night I told my husband that our GP reviewed the questioniers that were sent out to our sons teachers at the end of the year and she is feels that he fits the signs of ADD and she would like to talk to us about about it. He looked at me for a moment, it was quiet and then he asked me if it was a new americas got talent. My bad, have to try again, no tv on. Im almost finished with Is it you, me or adult ADD and I’m going to read it again. There is just so much to take in about different ways to communicate to make it easier for my husband, son and I dont know yet daughter. Simple routines, no clutter to distract, short conversations, down times where its ok for them to zone out on an activity seem to keep them happy.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Kc5jck..thank you for those links..we had a teacher mention to us when our son wsa in 1st grade that she felt he may have ADD and I ignorntly said “no” he can focus on a task for hours at home…he doesnt fidget.. Now I get the hyperfocus, that he doesnt have to have both ADD and ADHD. For him, distractability and impulse control are the two biggies. And yes, it scares the hell outta me with him going into the teen years. Its hard enough to face peer pressure when you are a teen without ADD. Sports seems to wear him out and help him stay in line, for some reason highly prossesed foods ( more than 1 item) make it worse, and lack of sleep. Still adding to the list. Thank you for your help.

REPORT ABUSE

[nellie]

Dawn have you seen this book?The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

I’ve never read it but it looks interesting

http://totallyaddshop.com/products/the-adhd-effect-on-marriage-understand-and-rebuild-your-relationship-in-six-steps-paperback

REPORT ABUSE

[kc5jck]

I have a copy of The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I think I have read about 80% of it. I don’t remember much about it (no surprise) but it’s a good book and would recommend it for anyone in a relationship

Now, to change the subject somewhat: I think an argument could be made that the hyperactivity in ADHD does not necessarily have to be physical. After all, this is a brain disorder which, among other things, relates to stimulus. When young, the quickest way to stimulus is through physical activities, throwing rocks at a bull for example. As one gets older, he may get a similar stimulus result through visual or mental activities such as model railroading, an academic endeavor such as learning everything about the ancient Maya, or by keeping up with those attention whores, the Kardashians. Hyperfocussing may be the result of hyperactive mental stimulation. Perhaps undoubtably so. The underlying basis is all the same. Just because you no longer throw rocks at bulls doesn’t mean you are no longer hyperactive.

So now who thinks they no longer qualify for the H in ADHD? Or have they changed the “H” to “OC” as in OCD.

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts