Husband And Son With ADHD.

[Anonymous]

I have a husband and son with ADHD.Coping with my son has been extremely trying at times.but coping with my husband has been something else.I have read alot of your posts on here and they have helped.But i still need some answers to questions.here is a birief description of what I have been deaLING WITH.Married 16 yrs,I always knew he needed help but he refused to go to the doctors.Until this past August he lost his Liciense for raod rage,His job depends on him being able to drive,So he had a complete and total meltdown.The next day I finally got him to go to the doctors.So he is on meds and things have improved 100% but when he seen the show ADD AND Loving It.He finally got it.But it pisses me off that it tokk him losing almost everything to deal with it.So am I the only one who feels like this.? Did or does any of your spouses have these stupid out of control obessins? He was money obessed,I mean really bad ask him o give you even 2.00 and it was all out war.Major guilt trip.It needs were more important then yours or your kids.Trying to avoid his temper would cause me to go into a major panic attack!! the kids would try to avoid him.How do I get him to explain to his bosses why he is still off work?

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[agnoscet]

@cammy09

I’m ADD and am raising 3 ADD kids by myself. Three of us are on meds and dealing with things much more successfully than prior to the diagnosis.

I went through two unsuccessful marriages before I met the gal who could put up with me. If you watched the show, you met Patrick’s wife, Janis is her name…

My third wife, Jan, who I was with for 25 years, had the kind of loving, accepting attitude toward me as Janis does towards Patrick. Sadly, we lost Jan a few years back to leukemia.

The most important, take home lesson I got from the program was Janice’s acceptance of Patrick and his ADD ways. She understands… If you read through the posts on this forum, you’ll get a handle on what we deal with, how we cope, where we fail, how we survive. Hopefully, you’ll get an understanding of the hell your mate has been dealing with, and with the meds and support, he will too. It now will take time, and some soul searching, and some work, but… it will get better, of this I have the confidence of our experience.

The program these fine folks produced has been a treasure to my small family. We’ve watched it several times, and I’ve watched it one-on-one with each of my children. What a blessing it has been to see my kids finally accept that they’re not alone, that they really have talents beyond normal, that they now have a handle on why they felt ‘different.’ The most important thing I’ve learned as a parent to this group of misfits is that I, as Janis shows in the program, understand what they’re going through, and accept their misgivings. I love them all the more.

This is my wish for you.

Hang in there. It won’t be easy. It will be worth it.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, and my very best wishes for the New Year.

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[Anonymous]

Thank You so much for your reply.I am hanging in there! This forum and show has helped so much,Janis reminds me of his mother!! Which is good I love my mom in law very much.Merry Christmas to you and your family.BRAVO TO YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!! She sounds like she was amazing!!!! Sorry that you lost her.

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[TLCisaQT]

I too am struggling with a daughter with ADHD and a husband. It can be very difficult and trying. The good thing is that at least hopefully things will continue on a better path now that he is on meds. It sounds like he had to have a pretty hard reality check to get on the right path. I know you are probably still angry and resentful and it can be hard to let things go, but you will work through it and then hopefully you can both work together towards a better future. I know that things are still difficult on my end, but after seeing “Add and loving it” and my husband being willing to pursue medications, I have hope that things will get better, and that it will be only better things to come. Hang in there and good luck with everyrhing. Unfortuantely I don’t have any advice on the work thing.

TLC

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[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband still has a long way to go in understanding what he needs and what changes he will need to try and make to get things onto a smoother path. Obviously, he’s been struggling with life for a long time and you’ve been working extra hard to keep things going as smoothly as possible for him.

You brought up the question of how do you get him to explain to his boss why he is still off work. He’s off work because he lost his licence, right? How long has he lost it for? Is it for a certain number of weeks, months, or is it a permanent loss? That could make a difference in what he says.

Some companies would probably terminate his position if they knew he had lost his licence, even if it was just a temporary loss. It could be he may need to consider looking at different job options, as scary and awful as that may seem.

As tough as all these recent experiences may seem now, it looks like your family is on the road to a smoother and better future. Understanding what some of the issues actually are that have been causing the problems is one step closer to being able to find meaningful solutions to them.

Knowing what ADD is and even taking meds doesn’t make all our issues go away but it certainly allows the light to begin to shine in on us! All the best!

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[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like he has anger issues, too, along with ADHD. I hope he gets counseling to help him learn how to deal effectively with frustrating situations. Medication can’t teach skills; medication only helps the chemicals balance. So all the bad coping habits he’s developed over the past decades (habits he will gravitate towards, such as guilt-tripping, etc even in the absence of chemical impulses) has to be reworked .

Not every ADHDer has temper issues like that.

And if he’s the type that scoffs at stuff like counseling, saying it’s all about whining about your childhood, it doesn’t have to be like that. You can just learn techniques without even digging all that up. So there are plenty of options.

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[Anonymous]

Cammy09, I’m reading an amazing book called “Is it You, Me or Adult ADD”. I would highly recommend it. It addresses a lot of the feelings & concerns you are expressing. My son, the one with ADD, is reading “So I’m not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy”. He & I have been discussing what we’re learning in each other’s “book”. One thing my son told me that he read was the AA stragegy of going through the 12 steps. That makes sense to me. Maybe your husband’s meltdown was his “rock bottom” . I’d suggest you both read the books & discuss what you learn. I think it’s helping us. Hang in there!

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[Anonymous]

ZSAZSA!

He lost his license in August and he got them back in October.I told the guy at the DMV exactly why he lost them and about the meds.The guy understood and was actually amazed that I told him about the meds.So he told me exactly what he had to do to get them back.he does need to find another job.His boss that he has now is total ass!! So you can’t tell him because to him its the perfect opportunity to get rid of him.But let me make onething clear.Hubby at times has not helped the work situation.! Before meds.Will finish later daughter needs laptop!

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[Anonymous]

I think that my 27 year old son may be ADD, but i don’t feel competent to approach him with it. He is very bright, and personable, and has a genuine desire to do well, but time after time, he gets these great starts, and then they fizzel out leaving him depressed with feelings of inadequacy and out of a job. I’m worried now because hes beginning to act out of desperation. He has decided that he wants to join the Marines. I support him doing what makes him happy but I worry that he may be taking this path for all the wrong reasons.

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[Scattybird]

Hi Gwen

It’s tricky if you don’t feel you can approach him. Even if you do, he might not want to listen? I think I would be tempted to invest in a book such as:

Taking charge of adult ADHD by Russell Barkley, The Guilford Press

And just let him read it in his own time. If it resonates with him then he won’t be able to stop reading it.

There are other equally good books out there but this is one I have read.

I have heard others mention Driven to Distraction.

It’s just a thought. You can’t get anywhere unless he starts to question if he is ADHD.

Good luck.

I am sure others here with experience of dealing with family with it will have better advice.

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[Tiddler]

There’s a test on the first page on here. You could answer the questions on his behalf, knowing him as you do. If you think it fits him, you could show him this site, maybe?

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[Geoduck]

Mom, is that you??? Okay, joking…

In all seriousness, though, about the money thing: It sounds like a control thing, or an organizational thing. If it’s a control thing, it’s one thing he feel he can control, which in our ADHD heads, control is not something of which we have in abundance, so when we have it, we tend to go overboard.

If it’s an organizational thing. If you aren’t tracking it, it means HE has to track it, which means work. Like not a lot from where you sit, but for us, it’s HUGE. We’d actually have to get the checkbook out (‘Where the HELL is that???”), find a pencil (“Where the HELL is that???”), find a calculator (“CRIPES!!! Where’s the damned calculator? Who put all this garbage in this drawer?”) sort through the contents of the drawer (“So this thing doesn’t belong here, going to put it away in the best hiding spot ever, nobody will ever find it!” -will never be found, even by him, unless looking for something else- guess who probably put it in the drawer.), and finally, try to remember why we were in the drawer in the first place (“Crud, now what was I doing? Oh yeah, cleaning out the drawer.”), and no, we may never get it written down. Then we get yelled at for not writing it down, or we overdraft and really get the spouse AND the bank mad.

Temper is a problem with us, too. Not me. I’d *never* lose mine over tiny things. LOL! Yeah, right!!! I lose it over stupid stuff, all the time. It’s a process. I’m working on it.

Baby steps and lots of patience, but don’t let yourself be run-over. Takes a lot of patience and learning how to deal with our sort, but we’re worth it

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[Tiddler]

I worry about our youngest. He’s a calm, focused, quiet, clever, gentle, sweet boy. I sometimes dream about him sitting quietly doing a jigsaw in the eye of a hurricane (the hurricane being the rest of the family.)

I sometimes think it’s probably all more exhausting for him than the rest of us.

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[Author]

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