I am a 23 year old female just found out and my boyfriend wont understand

[Anonymous]

My whole childhood life i was always quick to anger, had to switch to a vocational school because a regular school i failed at terribly, my family always complained i talked a lot and to loud. Now that i am older i feel as though i am getting worse, i was and still am forgetting everything, example i need to take the garbage to the dump…its in the back of the truck but forget it for 2 weeks and i still haven’t brought it! i am still quick to react to things with anger..my boyfriend can say 1 thing and i will scream and yell and after im calmed down (sometimes hours) i think to my self i cant believe i acted like that but i still continue.i ruined thanksgiving because my younger sister made a comment i did not like. At work im not terrible but when im writing something down i forget what im writing even though half of it is in front of me and it takes me 5 to 10 minutes to complete it. i have terrible road rage. With my recent diagnoses of ADHD., i am relieved im not crazy that there is actually something wrong with me but my boyfriend wont understand! we live together and i have a dog ( i also forget to feed the dog). He gets upset when i forget everything, paying bills, he gets upset that im bad with money. he gets mad that i have such a short fuse. since my diagnoses hes been a little like 1 % more understanding. I have shown him articles and tried to make him see that i cant help the things i do! i just do them! but he still doesn’t get it…I am still waiting to get rx’d medication. i currently see a therapist and i need to see a dr to get meds, which im hoping makes a difference. i love my boyfriend but i do know what else to do to help him see whats wrong with me. can someone help me deal with this better?

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[Anonymous]

Greetings, you are in a good place. Please see the webinars, blogs and the film, it maybe on tv.

You’ll find that we each have slightly different or widely different ADHD, differences on Meds and etc… human yes?

So, you wrote : .” i am relieved im not crazy that there is actually something wrong with me “

I get it, after 60 years of being told i could do better if i had the gumption or focus, I was more than a little pleased

to be diagnosed as ADHD, with anxiety and depression. It was nice to know that i wasn’t “Lazy Crazy or Stupid”.

BUT, there is nothing ‘WrONg’ with me. That kind of thinking is self abuse .. we are not broken, pozzitive attitude.

Books to read > ADHD Effect on Marriage, Orlov… Taking Charge of Adult ADHD Barkley

There are several threads on the forums, you might check under relationships.and blogs.

For me, it’ seems’ that ADHD does not absolve us from responsability for our actions, but it does explain how come. sort of.

Anyway, Barkley has some great stuff on utube, ADHD is, it seems different for each of us.

Good luck … ask questions .. enjoy the rollercoaster ::

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[JimC.]

Some simple steps to hold the fort while you work to get meds or whatever is needed:

1) make a list of stuff you have to do and carry it with you – maybe on your smart phone or whatever WORKS FOR YOU. Make it easy or you won’t do it.

2) Meds will probably help but since you don’t have them (yet), try simple logic to try to change your thoughts a bit. i.e. road rage. What do you gain my raging at me if I just cut you off? You’re all enraged; in my car I’m worried that you’re nuts or I’m laughing at you. Take a deep breath, then take another. It’s far more rewarding that fantasizing about killing me. (it took me 40 years to figure this out, and I still occasionally go postal, but not often. Then I laugh at myself)

3) keep working persistently at a solution for ADHD; if you don’t, the rest of your life may well be just like your past. Tell your B-F that you’re dealing and struggling with a medical issue, and he has to deal with it. If he won’t then he’s not for you. He needs to be understanding, supportive, and patient in a normal relationship; if he can’t do that with you in a bit of distress, then well, you know.

So right now go and get a pad of paper and make a short list of stuff you need to do today, keep it short, do it all, then relax at day’s end – a successful day’s end.

Don’t forget to fee Fido!

Good luck! Jim

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[sdwa]

It takes time, you know? You just found out. Learn as much about ADHD as you can. I found that the more I learned, the less inclined I was to be overly self-critical. I’ve gotten better at recognizing what I can control and what I can’t. One thing that helped me was to watch for triggers – what kinds of situations set me off? If can avoid or minimize those situations, I’m going to feel – and act – a lot better. When they say “tailor the environment to you” that’s what they mean – put yourself in an environment where you can be more successful. If I can’t control my responses, I don’t go into situations that work against me. It isn’t worth trying to be a contortionist to make myself do things I’m not wired for. (And by the way, I’m a terrible driver and only drive if I absolutely have to, LOL.)

And I agree with Jim C., it’s important to be with someone who “gets” you. My husband is a mellow guy with a sense of humor. If I start flying off and losing it, he’ll usually tease me about it and make me laugh, and that calms me down. It helps a lot to be with a person who will say things like, “You’re in orbit, aren’t you? Do I have to send the space shuttle up to retrieve you?” He’s learned not to take my tirades personally – I don’t like that aspect of myself, I can get pretty psycho sometimes, and need to get better at recognizing when I’m starting to go off the deep end and just take a walk or something – but I sure do appreciate his ability to let it roll off of him.

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[Anonymous]

My husband is super understanding but my first was not. You have an advantage that I didn’t then. You understand/know why you are the way you are now. I had no way of knowing and neither did he (not that it excuses his behavior toward me or the years of emotional abuse.) If he’s willing, I’d have him read up on ADHD with you (there are great books on relationships out there (as related to ADHD)). If possible to take it further, try getting couples counseling.

He’s obviously going to be hurt about the things you’ve done or said, but with counseling, (potentially medication), and patience, you can get through it. I don’t want to say that if he doesn’t understand, someone else out there will because that’s a very ADD sort of thing (I’ve learned), but at the same time, I’ve also been reading that the right person/right relationship and right job make a world of difference. If he’s not right (and you’re not right for him), that may be something to explore AFTER you’ve tried everything else.

Most importantly, stay positive, keep a journal of everything you do in a day, how much time it takes, how it makes you feel, and maybe even share that with him. I’ve just started jounalling myself and I’m hoping I can start seeing more of how things affect me and how I react to things better.

Remember, it’s your life to live, and you’re worth living for.

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[laddybug3]

The talking loud and a lot brought back memories, and I still talk loud and a lot. Don’t mean to but do. Once I realize I am talking too loud I try to tone it down a notch. Doesn’t always work.

I hate driving. Do yell at the people who are driving terribly. Got into a car accident a week ago on Wes. It wasn’t my fault. The lady who hit me. After I asked if she was okay, she kept on saying it was my fault and I didn’t see her. No, I saw her when she hit my car. Her car was drivable and my towed. What does that tell you? Luck was on my side, because I saw lights from a police car and let them handle her.

As for anger, rage, and other emotions. I have found to work for me was knitting, writing, fishing, and boxing. I also enjoy kickboxing. Although I got hit with the bag a few times. I am telling you that bag fights back. I forgot to put yoga on the list, but I just like the relaxing part. I learned how to relax.

By the way I am 24-years-old.

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[Wgreen]

There aren’t many people who understand. They just can’t. Even people who have ADD struggle to make sense of it.

I notice that the American reality TV show “The Biggest Loser” (a weight-loss competition) has adopted the slogan “no excuses” this year. It’s a potent admonition. According to these sage life coaches, we all have the “stuff” to achieve whatever we want to achieve—we just have to stop making excuses and MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Well.

“No excuses” is pretty catchy (It certainly made me want to go run five miles)… but is it always true? What is true is that “no excuses” frames the ADD debate: is there such a thing as neurologically compromised self control, or do the transmission belts between the conscience and the “moral will” always run? Is ADD just a matter of scattered thinking and disorganization? Or is something much more sinister at work? We argue about that on this forum. The answer could not have more gravity; because the implications are enormous.

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[Anonymous]

laddybug 23, we sound alot alike! of course i only yell at people who drive stupid, but my boss, my boyfriend, and a lot of my friends get so upset with me because i talk so loud, but i cant help it i don’t realize how loud i talk but obv they do, i do try to control it when i notice but it dosent help either. I work in an animal hospital and talking to clients is good but my co workers do get mad too because sometimes i take forever because i talk so much. Whats weird is that at work im very social with clients and i dont know them but outside of work i have such a problem talking to people i dont no and being in groups of people where i only know 1 person, i feel like im in physical pain during those times. im supossed to go to a dr and get some kind of med tomorrow so i hope to see what diff it makes, i can be productive( in work terms) it just takes me longer to write things down because i forget what im writing, or i need someone to repeat things becuase i dazed out when they were talking to me ( co workers really hate that!) as far as the bf goes i guess things get better and worse, i do well for a week with no anger outbursts then he talks about a hot model on tv and i flip my lid for an hour then im fine. i dont believe crazy low self esteem and jealousy have anything to do with add? probably not! i appreciate everyones comments they have helped alot.

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[kc5jck]

shayklo – Next time you bf starts getting off on a tv model, have him view this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HfWr7JIeNA

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[Anonymous]

Common behavioral changes occur with ADD are; concentration difficulty, sudden attention disorder, impulsive behavior and hyperactivity and socio-personal problems such as low self esteem and poor performance in studies. The behavioral study of ADD in modern times describes it as ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which is a well thought-out description of the disease.

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[kyliemae333]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am  22 year old and was just diagnosed although it has been suspected for many years. I too struggled through my younger years and it seems to be more impacting now that I have responsibilities that I often forget about. I feel like I do so much to try and get the ones I love to understand after all knowledge is power. but it seems like they have no interest in learning so I am left feeling misunderstood and messed up : (

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Kyliemae333, I often wonder if ADHD would be easier to understand (and to live with) if it were viewed as a variant, instead of as a disorder.

Think about it.

It’s as if most of the people in the world are best suited to being farmers (slow, steady, prolonged work towards a final goal, because it’s important), and we’re best suited to being hunters (alert to anything unusual, leaping into action in an instant with a burst of energy & attention, because if we don’t, then we’ll miss our chance to catch our dinner).

Two very different mindsets and working styles. Neither is “right” or “wrong” on its own, but is either “right” or “wrong” for the job. Which is why finding the right job is so important for us ADDers.

You wouldn’t bet on a sprinter to win a marathon, and you wouldn’t bet on a marathoner to win a sprint. They’re built differently, and they function differently. But you’d never say that one is “all right” and the other “has a disorder”.

That’s one of the biggest differences between ADHD Coaching and psychiatry & psychology. ADHD Coaching approaches it as a variant, which you need to understand and learn to work with. Psychiatry & psychology approach it as a flaw, which must be fixed.

I have enough ups & downs with my ADHD, without having the extra burden of feeling like there’s something wrong with me. My life is a lot easier, if I keep reminding myself that my ADHD makes me different from most other people, but it doesn’t mean I’m broken.

“Different” does NOT mean “wrong”!

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