I guess its not self esteem. But what is it?

[Anonymous]

I looked up self esteem. I *do* accept my limitations pretty well. I recognize what I do well and what I struggle with in general. Try to work to my strengths.

But when my DH is frustrated with me for forgetting something or not understanding at first, I really internalize it. I don’t think he is out of line in his frustration. And he even tries to hide it from me sometimes. So the problem isn’t him, but me.

Why do I feel so useless when I can’t be perfect for him? Why do I expect that of myself for him and not for myself or others? What do you call that? Is it co-dependence? Or just too easily influenced?

And how do I go about changing this dynamic?

I have become terribly snarky with him. I’m lashing out when he asks if I remember something or suggests something helpful. I feel horrible about how I’ve been treating him. I don’t want to be so defensive. And I don’t want to feel stupid. Or make him walk on eggshells around me.

He is rather anxious to be supportive of any help I might need.

Any help would be…err helpful! Lol Or if you have felt something similar, please share. I feel rather alone right now.

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[allan wallace]

Hmmm, good luck is all that I can offer. My marriage has been tenuous since it commenced 15 years ago, and we’re getting to the stage where it seems that it’s only a matter of time before we start burning effigies of one another 😆 If she was in Buenos Aries, and I was in Dundee, we still wouldn’t be far enough away from one another! I feel destined to always be alone, and if we didn’t have kids I’d have slipped out the back door and run away before our first week of marriage had lapsed…

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[Anonymous]

Your story sounds similar to my former relationship with my ex-husband. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADD back then and instead of frustrated he was angry and we fought for 16 years over the same thing: my failure to be a good housekeeper and thereby a good wife to him. He loved me and told me all the time. He encouraged me to do well but at the same time discouraged me because I just couldn’t be good enough. This as well as some other things ended up destroying our marriage but we remain friends. When I was diagnosed last year with ADD and told him this it was like a lightbulb turned on in his head and he finally got it.

Maybe a discussion with him about ADD and your particular difficulties with some workarounds that he can help you with would be in order? I don’t know but I hope you guys can work this out. It’s hard enough that we get frustrated at our own difficulties and mistakes due to ADD symptoms, but when we have someone else frustrated as well it adds to the stress.

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[allan wallace]

Thanks, but I don’t know anymore, and quite frankly, don’t care. I think… 😆 We have kids, and the thought of tearing their world apart is what keeps me in the house. I had no dad growing up and know what’s it like….my mum used to say that it was mainly my fault too that my dad did anything but stay home too lol. If nothing else it was drummed into me from a very young age that all of the problems within a 100 mile radius of me had my fingerprints on them! 😆 Life is a bitch and then we die, eh? Only time will tell how this melodrama plays out…my wife is sure frustrated with me. She just told me today that for years she has to tell me things over and over again, and I still don’t seem to hear her. I dunno about that, I reckon that she thinks that she tells me stuff….

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[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your replies!

Today is a new day and much of last nights frustration has faded. I had a long talk with DH last night and that helped.

He has ADD hyperactivity, so there is a great amount of understanding there. He offered to accommodate me last night and try to not remind me of things. He also has anxiety and compulsively asks if I locked the house and things like that. So it was a big thing for him to take on.

As soon as he offered I realized that I really do simply have bad self esteem. It would be easier for me if he were the problem and I was fine. (I have lied to myself that way before.) But as soon as he offered, I didn’t want him to change for me. I don’t think he should have to and I don’t feel I deserve it.

Realizing it was a self esteem issue is a bit of a relief, actually. That one I know how to deal with. And its less complicated.

There is a lot of complications in our relationship. If I didn’t hate typing so much I would tell our story. Lol I just can’t be on a computer that long!

I love having this place to come and talk. Often my own inner advocate answers my questions, though.

Good wishes and thanks to Allan and Lana

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[allan wallace]

Thanks! We’re going great at the moment lol! It’s a rollercoaster this thing called life, and storms in teacups are forgotten the moment we have a hug . She can’t ever accuse me of being too boring. Better off having some rainbow icecream instead of boring old bland vanilla, eh? As i’ve said, I’m just coming to terms with my diagnosis now (it was diagnosed 5 years ago). Yep, it takes me a while to get around to things…do any of you love watching clouds? I could lose myself for hours indulging in that secret love of mine

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