I HAVE ADD! *Slapping forhead* "Soar and Fail" is the story of my life.

[Anonymous]

How could everyone have missed this?! Why didn’t anyone help me?

Hi,

I’m just putting myself out there. Wanting to be heard I guess and introduce myself.I’m a 35 year old mother of 2. I’ve lived with ADD my whole life, but no one ever spotted it until I saw myself in the pages of an organization book geared toward people with ADD.. In my job (Speech Language Pathologist), I worked with kids with ADD/ADHD for years, and still never realized that was ME!

I won’t bore you with my whole history, but I’m a classic case of missed diagnosis: Predominately Inattentive type, lots of hyperfocus, High IQ, not hyperactive, and a female. I’ve been labeled: “Slowpoke”, “Spacey” “Underachiever” “Gifted” “Social Butterfly” “Precocious” “Best Dancer in Centerfield”, “Precocious”, “The Weak link”, “Airhead”. Some comments that always stuck with me from teachers, etc. “Marches to the beat of a different drummer”, “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached.”, “You’ll be late for your own funeral” “I guess you didn’t inherit our German work ethic.” ” I guess you don’t care if ______.” “Wow that was great!Just think how great it would’ve been if you’d actually prepared/studied, etc.”

I don’t remember who said it in the “ADD and loving it” video, but “Soar and Fail” pretty much sums up my life. And no one has ever understood why, including myself…until now.

Even so, I’m still having a hard time accepting myself and “forgiving” myself. What I now know to be negative ADD traits, I’ve always thought of as character flaws in need of correction. Even when I’m able to accept myself for who I am, I am still frustrated that others don’t get me. I’m a really compassionate person who really cares about others feelings, but I know that my forgetfulness and disorganization gives people another impression.

Right now, I’m feeling really sad, looking back. I’m thinking of the teachers and classmates who misunderstood me. The overwhelm, the guilt, and shame I felt in past schools and jobs. I took full responsibility for all of it. I believed it was all my fault and have lived my whole life trying to fix my character. Don’t get me wrong, I failed, but I soared too…and that’s what made it all the more hard when I failed and sooo frustrating and hard to understand. I believed what people told me: I could succeed if only I tried hard enough, cared enough, applied myself enough.

Ok, enough venting for now. I love you people for listening…

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Hey Super Martha! Thanks for your honesty! I really appreciate you sharing your story as I can relate on so many different levels! especially this line: “Wow that was great!Just think how great it would’ve been if you’d actually prepared/studied, etc.”

Man if I had a dollar for every time I heard that in my life I would be rich! And I am only 27! I have been recently diagnosed and I have had such a tough time with it. I was on Meds for about 17 days but I was getting some bad side effects and had to get off. I was able to function at work successfully for that time and it was like magic. Now that I’m off its same ol same ol and I feel kinda inadequate. I fight the feelings that there is something wrong with me instead of appreciating whats “right” with me! Okay….I have vented enough now:) Thanks for reading my response!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Thanks, Isitjustme! Yeah, talk about letting the air out of your tires! I heard that line a lot, too. I remember one time vividly it was after I’d placed !st in the county, and 2nd in the state speech contest. I waited til the night before to do it and my Dad, thinking he was helping, said it. He said something similar about me taking the ACT. I didn’t prepare for it and finished only half of the exam, but still scored high enough for a scholarship–just not the BIGGEST scholarship. I’m so sorry that the meds couldn’t keep working for you. I’ve been on Concerta for about a year with increasing dosages, but I expected a lot more of a positive effect and have been disappointed.

I’m sure this is a normal reaction to getting diagnosed, but I feel a little–sometimes a lot– sad and even angry about the past and the guilt and shame that’s just become part of my DNA. You said “inadequate”. That’s how I’ve felt a lot–like something was lacking in me, something other people had that made life easier for them. Some things have always been harder for me, and I never knew why. I kept thinking and even saying to people, “This is really hard for me! Surely, not everyone has this hard of a time (you could fill in the blank here) getting out of bed in the morning and getting to school/work./etc.” I was always told that I had the same struggles as every one else, so, obviously, it was that I was selfish, lazy, thoughtless, etc.

The last straw for me that led to diagnosis was struggling with juggling parenthood along with everything else. I finally realized that something had to be wrong. I know I’m a good parent. I love my children with everything I have and prayed and waited for them for years. But I still can’t get them to preschool on time. I still forget their lunch or backpack at home. I still get hyperfocused and realize I’ve been on the computer for an hour when I could’ve been playing with them. It’s NOT that I don’t care enough about them. It’s NOT that I don’t think about them all the time. It’s NOT that I don’t try hard enough to remember their lunch. I knew there must be more to it. Turns out, when you look back, I’m a CLASSIC case for a woman with ADD! It’s still tough, though. I may understand why I am the way I am, but I can’t say that I like it. Not the negative traits, anyway. There are lots of positives, I know. I’ll get to those later, when I’m not throwing a pity party. *Sigh*

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I feel like I actually could have written Martha’s post myself. When I was younger I got all the ‘daydreamer’ comments, then as I got older it was procrastination and lack of effort, and lately it’s been more towards ‘airhead’ and ‘lazy’ (I left my job to return to college and tend to miss a lot of homework and show up lately pretty much daily). I’ve been really frustrated because I feel like I’m working my ass off, but just spinning my wheels… and everyone else is like “you’re not trying.’ I’ve been treated for depression and PTSD for years now (I was a journalist in the Army and went to Iraq) and a few years back when one of my psychs threw out ADHD my reaction was “you’re kidding right? I’m not hyper” and I wrote it off as the counsellor being an idiot.

Then about a week ago my Psych 100 class covered ADHD and pointed out that there is the ‘classic’ kind that everyone sees in little boys, and a totally different reaction in girls. As we worked through the chapter and looked at the adult symptoms I actually started laughing in class (snorted and made everyone look at one point) because I was hit by the “Oh .. my .. god … it’s me” realization. The “ADD & Loving it” came on tonight and since I’m still mulling it over, me and the hubby watched it… and laughed our butts off. LOTS of finger pointing.

I’ve really been fighting with the terrible concentration and distraction for most of this year, and I’m hoping that this new realization may make a difference. I’m used to being ‘flutter minded’ but it’s been so bad lately that I feel downright dysfunctional… I really hope taking a 2nd look will change things!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

It’s amazing how many of seem to read these stories and completely relate. The situations, feelings, emotions have all manifested themselves in the same way for most of us. We all seem to try and exist by imposing these limits on ourselves, limits set by people with ‘normal’ limits. As kids when we crossed these lines we learn boundaries, for the average person this is a small adjustment for AD/HD people that means suppressing so much of who you are that the frustration boils overs with as little as a 1 degree change in “our environment” or control. I never understood why, now I do and that gives me hope.

Peace.

CMC

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I can relate to what SuperMartha says about something lacking that other people had. I’ve felt this way for years. I’ve been diagnosed only a few months ago and I’m 49!! At first, I was elated. I wanted to tell it to everyone! It explained so much. It explained my whole life really. Now, I’m kinda disappointed and a bit angry; why could’nt it be diagnosed when I was younger. I should have been helped and prepared for life with ADD. I’d be better off today probably.

I’ve started Concerta a month ago. The dosage has just been upped to 27 mg. I’m really hoping it works. I’d like to know what it’s like to think normally. Even though, at the same time, I like who I am with ADD.

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts