I just had an epiphamy

[Anonymous]

I often get frustrated when people don’t understand my ADHD but sitting here at the computer tonight, I just realized how can I get frustrated with others for not understanding my ADHD when I don’t truly understand it. Nah forget that I’ll still get frustrated with others for not understanding, I mean heck they should have the patience to read through all the information about ADHD and relay it to me, not that I would stay focused on what they were telling me but at least they would know why I’m more interested in the tv, cars driving by, what the dog is doing, running through the list of things I would rather be doing in my head or trying to figure out what that noise coming from outside is. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year folks… it’s nice to know that even when I’m feeling like I’m the only one going through hard times, I have a place like this to remind me I am not alone. Thanks for helping me through this first year of knowing I’m not crazy I’m ADHD

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[kc5jck]

How many people get upset and frustrated with their computer, printers, VCR, etc. because they didn’t read or understand the instructions or manual that came with the thing? Whose fault is that?

We should have a DVD with digital versions of some of the books mentioned on this site and lectures by Barkley and say, “If you want to ask me a question, talk to me, be my friend, marry me, … You need to read the manual on me first and hand them the DVD.

I don’t know whether it’s sad or hilarious.

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[billd]

I’ve always liked this thought->

The instructions for connecting and operating your new VCR are on the enclosed video tape……………

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[Robbo]

Yep, It’s a lil frustrating. Ta say the least.

Even if people do begin to understand me, I go ahead and change a lil just because I feel like they might be getting to know me a little bit too much. Yikes!!. Getting to know me can lead to rejections.

I want to be understood, but don’t ya dare try to put me in a box. The “box” is other peoples understanding of me. A wild guess at best.

We change. Can an entity that keeps growing and changing ever be understood?

I can’t be disappointed if I don’t have expectations right?. So if I just try to quit expecting folks to understand me I won’t feel that sadness?. Hmm. Big maybe.

Yeah but…. huh? There’s always that yeah but. The biggest one is the desire to be understood, that comes with my desire to be a participating member of planet earth/humanity/nature.

I’m learning to be happy with just a lil handful of clues about who the heck I’ve been, am, and might be. The fact is, lot’s of people don’t actually have a desire to understand me. I’m learning to accept that just like I’m learning to accept ADHD.

At least I have a few ADHD superpowers. That’s a cool thing to keep in mind when I start ta feel lonely. I especially like my super power of having extremely quick hands. It’s nearly impossible to poke me in the eye with a sharp stick!. That reminds me….. blah blah… yada……. zzzzzzzzzz

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[Anonymous]

i like ur though, i am understood

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[Anonymous]

I was never widely understood as I’m a half white/half Inuit (cultural) then i’ve got ADHD, social anxiety, depression, rage issues and a long childhood filled with typical terrible childhood things.

Even though it is a large source of my frustration, living in a small isolated town in Labrador, ADHD really makes me an incredibly skilled driver. I can’t focus on one thing for too long, but I take in everything in my peripheral vision, I can sense cars movements and velocity (instead of glancing, jumping into traffic and cutting people off) I am constantly checking my mirrors, trying to make the road safer for everyone, I notice people waiting at crosswalks hundreds of yards before I get to it, I’ve counted all of the seconds of each red light and yellow light at intersections so that I can keep traffic flowing as quickly and smoothly as legally possible.

This does lead to incredible frustration as I feel like a NASA scientist building a rocket with a bunch of preschoolers. My anger does come out as road rage sometimes and the fact that these “children” feel like they should defend their own terrible driving by giving me the finger, driving slow on purpose or trying to brake check me…when all i’m trying to do is let people know they are driving dangerously and I don’t approve.

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[ipsofacto]

Koots, I know exactly where you are coming from.

Your description of your driving itself, is as it should be for someone with ADD, and everyone for that matter. Your mind is in the present and you are looking at the road you see, not the road you know. You are not on autopilot as so many people are. This is a part of of a great tool for ADDers called mindfulness.

The conscious awareness of the road that you describe can be also applied to our emotions. It takes practice, but it’s essentially the same process. If you start to watch your thoughts and feelings in the same way that you look out for hazards while driving, you can start to take more control of them, rather than letting them control you.

Next time someone does something that causes you to be angry while you are driving, notice the feelings rising in you. Consider the feelings for a moment; are you going to let that feeling control you? The important thing here is not to suppress the rage, it’s real, but to accept it is there. Now you are in control. You could let the rage take over and make you do something that might be dangerous, OR you could do what’s needed to make the situation safe. That might mean giving more room to the car that just cut in in front of you. Strangely, as you start to practice this control, you will feel so much better about yourself than if you had let the rage run it’s course.

It’s best to practice being mindful of emotions and thoughts all the time, not just driving.

Two practices I use to take back control of my life are relaxation/meditation and mindfulness. Maybe the core benefit of these practices for ADHD is that you are practicing conscious control of focus.

I would recommend this book http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Prescription-Adult-ADHD-Strengthening/dp/1590308476

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[agnoscet]

@ipsofacto

That looks like a great book. I noticed the audio is only available on some kindles… however, also I see it’s available on iTunes for the iBook app, and the description there also mentions audio track (which contains exercises, etc.).

Has anyone on this board downloaded the book from iTunes? It sounds like the audio stuff is an integral part of the book from the Amazon customer reviews…

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[ipsofacto]

I haven’t used the CD that came with the book as I had already practiced relaxation response exercises and meditation many years ago. Listening to it has been on my “to do list”…….

If you are not familiar with relaxation especially, and meditation, the CD is likely very helpful.

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[agnoscet]

Ah, okay. I did yoga nidra years ago – similar stuff.

I read the sample on Amazon and it looks good. I found a link near the end of the sample reading to the website that has the fundamentals of the meditation technique the book uses.

Now I need to remember not to hyperfocus out and read it in one session. The kids hate it when I do that, though I know at least they’re eating because there are empty wrappers on all the horizontal surfaces in the kitchen.

Thanks for the tip. I’m buying the book.

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[ipsofacto]

agnoscet, you should be good to go then. I’ve taken a long time working through the book. As you probably know from yoga, you can’t just dive in at the deep end; it’s totally experiential and there is a learning curve.

I had experienced mindfulness before, but had never applied it in such a comprehensive way, because I didn’t know you could. I’m now moving backwards and forwards through the exercises and finding each has more depth as my understanding and experience grows.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks for the link to the book, I will try to get it when I get paid

I’m really just starting to identify my own behaviours and strengths, especially with regards to my ADHD and there is a lot to be happy with. It’s not all bad out there as there is a perfect place for all of us, it just takes time to find it.

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[distractedmomma]

Koots,

Thanks for sharing with us that you have great driving skills. I’ve always thought of myself as a good driver, but reading about ADDers having a higher rate of car accidents made me think I was wrong. I think that I now better understand under what conditions I am a better driver. If the kids are fighting and yelling behind me, I’d rather pull over then keep driving. Too distracting. I can sometimes completely ignore them, but it’s not a given. I also noticed that when I’m tired, I go on autopilot which is not good. I sometimes can’t remember the drive.

I also get frustrated when someone who doesn’t understand ADHD tries to give me directions and makes fun of me when I decide to take an alternate route because I’m more comfortable with it. I don’t care if it takes me 5 minutes longer if it gets me there safely.

I also have a temper behind the wheel and that too can affect my driving. At least now I’m aware of how I react to things and that’s a step inthe right direction

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[ipsofacto]

Pulling over is the right thing to do. Which reminds me of a parenting class that my wife and I took several years ago called Love and Logic.

Love and Logic has some great ways to deal with the kid riot in the back of the car. The premise of their parenting system is to give the kids logical consequences, but at the same time empathize with them. It works especially well if you are going somewhere the kids want to go. After you have pulled over, instead of saying “if you don’t be quite, we are not going”, just pull over and sit there. When the kids ask why you are stopped, tell them that you know how much they really want to go to x, and you are just as disappointed as them, but you are so stressed by all the noise, that you need to go home and rest. Then go home and rest. They’ll figure it out, and instead of blaming you; they’ll will understand that they were responsible for not going.

Given the natural tendency of kids (and adults) with ADHD to blame others when there are problems, this system stops you from always being the bad guy. It subtly shifts responsibility back to the kids. My daughter was about eleven when we started using Love and Logic. She was a little frustrated at first and couldn’t figure out what was going on. We were giving her no opportunity to shift her anger toward us, but still giving her consequences for her actions. I wish we had started using this system earlier.

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