I keep imagining what would have happened without my parents income.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I’m a Software Engineering student in 4th year. I was diagnosed with ADD-PI in my second year. I have been struggling throughout my post secondary career with ADD and have not done nearly as well as I could/should have. In fact, there were three terms where I almost failed. If it weren’t for the fact that my parents have a high income, I would have been in a lot of stress and I keep wondering if I would have passed in those circumstances. This is especially because I skipped a co-op term to clear a couple of failed courses and I don’t know if I could have gotten this far if it weren’t for the fact that my parents take care of EVERYTHING for me. My mom even insists on cooking my food every week. I keep imagining a scenario where my parent(s) don’t have the ability to do that. I would have had to go on loans, and I would have be at risk of dropping out with a huge debt. That would have been HORRIBLE. I imagine very specific scenarios that keep popping into my head and consuming my thoughts. For, example, how much money would I spend on food every month, how would I schedule my time and so on. This may not be related to ADD but it is a consequence of the symptoms of ADD. I admit that I have not taken many actions to fix myself, but I’ve lost the motivation to do even that. My performance at work terms has been ridiculously unproductive, almost to the point where it’s impossible to explain. Everyday, I spend hours thinking recurring thoughts about my imaginary scenario and I keep mentioning it to friends and family. The way I see it, the only way I can get out of this “thought trap” is if I can prove to myself that, in those circumstances, I would have done better. I need to prove to myself that I would’ve fixed myself. I know the obvious answer is “fix yourself now and that will be proof that you would have fixed yourself in those circumstances”. But considering my personality traits, I feel like I might have just collapsed under those conditions. Thank you in advance for your help.

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[Curlymoe115]

The truth of the matter is you probably would have had to drop out if you had the added weight of all the domestic realities of the average post secondary student living away from home. But just be grateful for the intervention of your parents in carrying some of the weight so that you could concentrate on school. So what. The fact of the matter is that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you feel that you have accepted too much from your parents, the new reality is that in a couple of dozen years they are going to need you to assume the burden of looking after them. Your parents are obviously doing it from a position of love and you just need to be prepared for the next phase of your life. They may continue to help for the first few years after school ends, but eventually you will be wholly responsible for doing everything for yourself. If I were you I would squirrel as much money as possible your first working years so you can hire out all the tasks your parents are willing to do for free. Because it doesn’t get easier when you get into the working world. Good luck with school. Give your parents a big and grateful hug the next time you see them. Appreciate that you have this advantage that millions of people wish they had.

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[Wgreen]

bguntoor– I don’t think the “hanging-by-a-thread” complex is rare. You have depended on your affluent parents. Many business owners rely largely on a single client. Countless people who work for government and companies large (and small) depend on the patronage of a single VP or manager to keep their jobs—a tenuous position to be in. Life is not very secure for most of us, especially during these difficult times. That you would constantly obsess about the “thread” is an issue you should take up with a counselor.

Many ADDers have deep anxieties about their disabilities—and the insecurities that ensue— that cause them to lose sleep. We often wear masks to hide what we know to be profound shortcomings, and an “unmasking” that potentially could send us into some abyss scares us to death. Once again, another perspective and effective intervention can help mitigate some of your vulnerabilities, and thus, perhaps, some of your concerns.

In any event, know that you certainly are not alone. Good luck.

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[Anonymous]

I haven’t had to work during the majority of my bachelors and grad school courses. When I did, they were only 12 hours a week etc. I did get a lot of scholarships, but I have lived off of those and the ample college fund given to me by my grandmother. I have no debt. My parents gave me their old cars and still pay my health insurance. I’m not sure I would have been able to balance work and school. I was just diagnosed with ADD inattentive as well. I got help because I was falling far behind time wise in my new career.

Sometimes I feel guilty about how I’ve been so fortunate to have all that support. However, at the end of the day, rather than beat myself up for being fortunate, I feel grateful. All the world can ask of me is that I do the best I can, be grateful for the luxuries I do have, and try and give back to the world.

Perhaps, at this point in your life, it is time to consider treatment options. Medication combined with therapy/life coaching/ADHD coaching/practicing ADHD life organization strategies. I’m finding out that doing both is imperative.

overcome, be grateful, but do not beat yourself up!!!!!!

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[Anonymous]

I was in your situation bguntoor. I went back to University at the age of 25 with loans and some financial support from my parents. They are not rich and are horribly unsupportive in every other way.

I was going for a computing degree and after receiving a 53% in one of my first year courses the prof called me in to ask what happened. She indicated that based on my class participation and work (minus the details), that she felt I should have been a 90s student easily and she was shocked that I did so poorly. She bumped my mark up to a 65% so I wouldn’t lose funding. That prompted me to seek out help, which led to psycho-educational testing, which revealed ADHD-PI. I was given the diagnosis, a 10 page report, and left to fend for myself.

Needless to say things went badly. Very badly. I continued having issues and had little to no support around me, the recommended supports for me were only partially available because the bursary that funds them ran out of money and they couldn’t get the rest in place till half way through my courses. After failing several courses my parents pulled their funding, the paperwork involved in getting loans became more work than the courses themselves and the bills increased due to the medications. At one point I was paying as much for my monthly Concerta as I was for food for the entire month.

I dropped out ~2 1/2 years ago because I couldn’t afford to keep trying. The results have been devastating. Emotionally it set me back in a big way, I lost all my savings (including retirement savings I’d had prior to starting), and I haven’t been able to find a job since.

Now you know the answer, so any time you think about that question you can stop yourself and replace it with thoughts of gratitude for those in your support network.

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[Anonymous]

oh forgot to mention that many colleges have disability resource centers for accommodations. ADHD qualifies.

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[laddybug3]

I went away from school. My parents insisted that I got to a school two hours away from home. I survived with the help of ODS that is the disability named for the center. I grew so much living away from college. It was hard. Waking up at four, because realizing I have a paper due that morning. Then finding out mentally I was a week a head.

Professors helped me by writing notes about my grades. Sometimes I did good one week and the next week was horrible. I learned to ask for help, and took advantage of professors’ office hours. Some of them even listed it on their doors.

I was very lucky to get five scholarships my first, two years, because I got money back. My parents helped too. Your luck that you have parents that encourage you to stay so close to home.

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[Anonymous]

I am really sorry JMJimmy, it must have been horrible to go through all that. I have seen your other post and can relate to a lot of what you are saying.

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[Anonymous]

Wgreen, you are the first person that I know of who has hit the nail on the head when it comes to these thoughts I’m having. It really is a “hanging by the thread” complex. However, I have already talked about this with a counselor and she seemed to have no idea what to do with it. She kept telling me to see an ADD specialist even though my ADD is not directly related to it. Nobody seems to understand what I’m going through and I keep bringing it up with my parents. This causes them stress and I don’t get anything out of it. My friends seem very annoyed with me too.

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[Anonymous]

bguntoor – Cognitive therapy would probably be your best bet for it. It’s all about recognizing what initiates that thought process, stopping it before it has a chance to get out of control, and replacing it with another thought that is more balanced and works for you.

My therapist equated it to a train, each car was a different thought and no matter what the thoughts progress from one to the next because you’ve been repeating the same “thought train” in your head over and over. Just for a sec… imagine you’re on a slight incline and you have a train rolling down. With each car (or thought) you add it gets harder and harder to stop the train. If you try to stop it when it’s 10 cars long it’s going to take longer and be harder (if not impossible) to regain control of that train. But, if you see the problem at the 1st car instead of the 10th it becomes a lot easier to gain control of and keep those other 9 cars from being added.

With the way the mind works, even if you stop the thought process you need something to replace it because if you don’t it’ll just start right up again. The therapist can help you figure out where your trigger points are and what thoughts you might insert in their place. Sometimes the trigger point can be tricky too, an example from a person with weight issues might be: “I love cooking -> Indian food is so interesting to make -> I love the spices -> it has a lot of ghee -> I wish I could replace it -> it’s so fattening -> probably why I’m fat -> look at how disgusting I am -> I’m worthless -> I should just give up -> no one will ever love me”. This might happen in a matter of seconds and the person may only recognize that they’re having the thoughts of worthlessness and despair but if the person learned to stop themselves at “it has a lot of ghee” and replaces that with “It has some ghee and that’s ok because I eat it in moderation and am exercising” it never leads to the rest.

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[Anonymous]

We all learn in different ways that’s the obvious. The trick is how quick we recognize our issues and move on with them. It’s absolutely great to hear that families have recognized add/adhd and taking it seriously. I myself wouldn’t be half the man today without my family’s income. They have endlessly supported me through this journey called Adhd: This explosively fun annoying disorder called life. I can’t imagine life without them or where it would have taken me with no support financially and emotionally.

I most agree with JMJimmy on this one. For me I play a game called WoW or Worldofwarcraft. It helps replace those thoughts and worries that snowball for me. You know whats funny well the next thing you can guess was I started worrying about the game Worldofwarcraft and over critically thinking everything. So When I say it helped it really was just a temp solution to an age old problem.

If you are going to find means to help replace your cognative snowball thoughts you need to replace it with something healthy. Keeping very active both in a social community (more than one) and finding a solo task (like working out or cleaning) that allows you to be alone but focus on tasks at hand. I have found that these just being small exercises are sometimes the hardest. Workingout or cleaning give me that sense of accomplishment and keep the thoughts racing. When your doing any of these two things or similar activities you focus on a very small task like bench pressing or making your bed and that enables you to release your thoughts and expel energy that in the end is both mentally and physically healthy. I hope something here made sense. These days without treatment its difficult to grab thoughts out of an unorganized mind.

*Cheer* Keep up the hard work!

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[Author]

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