I need advise, please. How do I best help my husband and son?

[adhdmom]

First I want to say that I do not know what it is like to walk in the shoes of someone with ADHD. I try to empathize, but I understand that I will never truly know the peaks and valleys that one lives thru.

I have watched my husband struggle silently for years. He is a very proud man, and is someone that sees any kind of “illness, injury, disability” as a weakness. It’s hard to get him to take a multi-vitamin because any pill in his eyes is a bad pill. He was diagnosed with ADHD in his 20s, but after speaking with his mother, I am fairly certain he needed help long before that. She tells stories of nights spent crying over homework, and many disappointed teachers because my husband was a “difficult” student. However, she did not and still does not believe in medications. Now, my husband takes his medication sporadically if at all. He’ll go months without it, and his work suffers, our marriage suffers–all the relationships in his life suffer. He has gone thru 3 doctors so far.

Our son was diagnosed over a year ago, and once he started his medication it was like a light turned on in his head. His grades went up, he finished his work on time. His coaches even commented on his improvements especially his ability to pay attention and retain what they showed him. But, it took multiple calls from the school, parent teacher conferences, and constant pushing from me to get my husband to even think about having him tested. That was then, now our son is showing signs that he is sliding backwards a bit. I have spoken to his teachers, and they agree that he needs some help again. We can’t go thru what we did before. My Husband knows about the teachers’ recommendations, so how do I get him to see that an increase in my son’s vyvanse might be a good thing? At least we should speak to his pediatrician.

Here’s my other problem… How do I get my husband to take care of himself? Because we need him now more than ever. I have had many medical problems in the last few years including cancer which has left me very weak, in chronic pain and confined to a wheel chair. Our son and I need him to be healthy and happy, and he deserves to enjoy life instead of being frustrated and angry all the time.

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[Cassatt]

It sounds like you and your family have a lot to deal with right now.

Does your son have regular visits to the pediatrician to monitor his response to medication? It is likely that the dose will need to be adjusted as he grows and his metabolism changes.

Is it possible that your son’s concern about your health could also be affecting his performance at school? Perhaps this could also be discussed with the pediatrician and with his teachers. There may be other resources available to help your son.

I hope this helps.

Cassatt

 

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[lindsey3]

Hi adhdmom, I have thought about your post since it appeared, and can feel the diversity of your feelings and situation. It is very difficult to comment particularly on your husband, because it is really for him to talk about himself. Everyone here has ADHD and are only too aware of the sensitive complex nature of being an adult partner. I am so glad that Cassatt has offered thoughts regarding your son.

My only genuine advice is for you to try to move a little way away from trying to ‘fix’ things, and introduce a sort of personal space for you, your son and husband. Families are always complicated! Maybe try and remember how and why you and your husband connected in the first place – revisit happy memories and times, and let your son see that his parents are  their own particular kind of team. Plan some shared, easy and cheerful activities together and let some ‘heavy’ stuff go. Just enjoy each other without too much analysis.

My mother had ADHD  ( and was way beyond ‘quirky’ ) and I loved her to bits – love isn’t confined to people without ADHD.

x

 

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[koishi]

I myself have struggled in coming to terms with my diagnosis. It has taken years, but I’m starting to accept it. What really helped me is researching the condition. Learning EVERYTHING I could about it. People fear what they don’t know, and I don’t know about your husband, but that is often why I stubbornly refused to accept certain things as applicable to me. Also, finding out that scientists have been searching for natural, non pharma treatments and have yet to find anything that is reliable. Fish oil, B-complex, and Thiamine supplements certainly do help, as well as meditation and a few other herbs etc. Still, none can do what drugs like vyvanse can.

Something else I learned is that ADHD is not a learning disability. It is a neurological disorder in which brain chemicals fail to reach their needed destinations in the quanity required. So there really is no reason for any stigma, not that there is anything wrong with an LD of course, but you need to use the tools available right? 🙂

ADHD medication is very straight forward and they know exactly what it does, unlike with SSRI meds that can treat depression and the like. His doctor can elaborate on this more. This is all from the research I’ve done, so don’t take my word for it, I’m not qualified as a doctor or therapist. Good luck and kudos for beating cancer!!!

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[Kbens74]

I’m kind of surprised your pediatrician doesn’t simply require you to visit regularly… Ours expects to see us in his office roughly twice a year, and my daughters medication needs adjusting pretty much every year. She’s 14 now and this spring we’re noticing that there’s some trouble in school and with basic chores again so she’s probably due for a medication adjustment at least. We were warned that she may need to switch to a different medication soon as effectiveness can wane into the teen years. I’m also ADD, and as an adult my medication has been the same for several years and continues to be effective, so constant monitoring and adjustment isn’t forever, but it’s pretty typical for any growing kid. You wouldn’t expect your son to wear the same size shoes for over a year, he outgrows them, why would the same dosage of medication still fit?

I wish I could tell you something that would help your husband, frustrated and angry are hallmarks of depression which is pretty typical of untreated ADD, if he absolutely refuses to take his medication could you get him to exercise? I know from experience that high intensity type exercise like interval training or kickboxing or “bootcamp” type classes can make a BIG positive impact and a person with ADD can function pretty well without medication if they do that *regularly* I’m talking 3x a week kind of regularly… I didn’t have to go on medication until after quitting kickboxing which I had done for 8 years… extenuating circumstances didn’t allow me to continue and within a few months of quitting kickboxing I was a basket case. The exercise is actually better than any of the meds I’ve been on, if you can get hubby to commit to it…

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