I'm scared… and many thoughts and feelings..

[hum4n]

It’s 8:20pm… just about to start working on the music for a tv commercial… thinking this could be the last one I do for a while… perhaps 6 months, while I focus on treatment and transitioning into new ways of living (with reference to ADHD).

I was diagnosed over a year ago. I have learned a lot in this time about ADHD… but for sure there are many patterns of thinking and functioning which I still live in, which work against the treatment.

e.g. self non-acceptance…. to put that in a very small nutshell…. living all my life shutting who I am down, so I can fit in, survive and cope.

I don’t even know what’s going to happen with this project I’m working on. I just had the opportunity to compose for a feature film, and instead of doing the what was asked of me, I procrastinated and digressed into making all kinds of music instead of that (e.g. a cover of Hazel O’Connors “big brother” in a style I just invented last night called, “80’s Pirate Punk”… where I sang the entire song in a pirate voice).

But I’m scared. Cause I got diagnosed with ADHD the year my daughter turned 1 years old…. so I’m standing at the helm of the ship of my life navigating through ADHD, being a husband and a father for the first time… and I’ve been on my feet and out there doing what I can. But I’m scared cause I’m not doing anything right… and I feel like I have no control of anything…… and I fucking hate it that there’s a million words of wisdom that can be offered to my situation about what I need to do… which I already know… and I can feel that annoying face in my face, that’s been there from infancy to adulthood saying, “Well you just have to get from A to B, what’s the problem ?”…..

If I’m making no sense on that…. I’ll give a couple of lines example…. Someone comments, “Why do you get up late on a morning”…. and I say “X, Y, Z” (whatever reasons I give)…. then this is where the annoying face and comment comes in….. “Have you tried setting an alarm ?”….

Please wait a moment….. I just need to have a moment while the level of how annoying the nature of such comments is, detonates in my brain.

*breath*

Ok…. yes, I tried setting an alarm. Actually, you know what… just think I’m stupid and lazy.

Maybe I should put half of this post in the sad section, and the other half in the angry section. I imagine I’ll pass through the entire spectrum of emotions… including a gratitude section for even having the opportunity to write and share and listen… and the documentary that has been made and all the work out there in spreading accessible, reliable, great info about ADHD… that’s helped me immensely..

I see a doc who has experience with ADHD… I take concerta meds…. I do intense workouts 3 times a week… (more fitness and kind of like cross fit, that weights)… I eat healthily… I create music every day…

I also behave very introvertedly, when I’m really extrovert inside, I just shut down my impulsiveness when I was in my late teens… after a series of panic and anxiety attacks told me that I need to change.

I’m scare because in the next couple of weeks, I have to move my studio and equipment out of where I am now (the place I’m in is downsizing to a smaller location and doesn’t have space for me to rent)……… thing is….. I don’t think I can continue to do music until I make some big changes….. I’m not saying this for egocentric reasons, I am a nobody in music… but I just mean to say that doing music isn’t a dream for the future, I can do it now.. In the last few years I’ve created music for dozens of major brands.. I’m not a “hollywood feature film” composer (yet!)… I’m quite a lot further down than that…. but I can do it… I just don’t have a website or show reel…… why ?…. because….. I don’t know…. because of the same reason I struggle with everything…… is it because of self sabotaging ? modulating attention ? procrastination ? Yes to all perhaps and a list of reasons………. it’s the same as my report cards, “Has the potential, but does not apply himself”…..

so I need to stop…… and repair.. and fix, and heal, and learn, and grow… and re-shape some things, and change some things……. but I’m scared, because I live in China, and I’m from the UK…… and my options are limited out there……. I can teach English…. and even when the hours are quite low, the salary is enough for everything I need…… even to study online courses and strengthen all my areas of weakness in music….. I found the perfect courses online that do this… and with meds and everything else…. I think I can do it !

But I’m scared… because I don’t know if I can do it…… go out and teach english, and be a husband and dad, and do this course….. I don’t know if I’m going to sink……. and what does sinking mean ?….. unable to function ?…… What if I get depressed and can’t move ?……

I have family out here with me…. I have access to a doc…… I have support that’s there…. life lines…… I’m fortunate I have that !!

but if I get down……. after stopping music (even with a view that it’s just while I get on my feet again)……… If I am vulnerable and in need of support……….. I can’t think of anyone in this world who understands me…… and worse than that….. all the “help” people have tried to give me growing up, felt like abuse…. you know what I mean by that ?…….. the “Help” people give, which is oriented around NT thinking… then applied to someone with ADHD ? ….. It really fucking sucks….. Especially when those helping get frustrated and impatient and make comments and say and do things…….

That makes me feel unsafe………. I feel like no ones got my back……… because even the people who say they do…. they don’t understand me….. not anyone. They don’t understand how I tick…… and so all their “help” does when I’ve already been knocked over on the road… is to reverse back over me a couple of times…. “Is that helping ?!”…

no….

I’m scared because I don’t know where this will leave me. I’m scared of fucking this up, because I don’t know what will happen.

Yeah, ok Joseph Campbell.. I hear you… “the cave you fear to enter, holds the treasure you seek”…..

and you McKenna…. “dive into the abyss and find it is a feather bed”….

but I know wisdom is needed……….

I’ve talked to my wife about if it’s better I rent a 1 bed apartment for 6 months…….

that could be something that’s needed. So that I can get space when I need it in this time….. and don’t need to “be” anything other than wherever I am.

hmmmm…… I think that could be best option.

I’ll talk to my doc.

it was nice to have a place to express some words. thank you.

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[redarno]

Hi,

Im not sure i should be the one answering to you, cause you seem to be already in a better place than i currently am, but your message really spoke to me.

The part about no one understanding, you are uber-right. It’s the same for me, i can try to explain it as clearly as i can i always get the “ok, you’re just a dumbass” look. May it be family or the short timed friends i had.

I don’t post here very often but this forum will help you a lot, as you will finally find people who will understand your struggles. As cliche and self righteous as it may sound, I do understand.

About shutting yourself into an introvert, when you’re really the opposite. I think everyone here does understand, even if we’re all different “ADHDs” in the end.

I also feel the same about no one i know having my back. So maybe, in the end, you are the one to have your own. I’m kind of cutting everyone away right now, not in a hateful and bitter way, but just…it feels like it’s the right thing to do to preserve my sanity. That really bugs me when i hear stuff like “you can’t do this alone”, cause, what if you have to?

 

Anyway, he next part, you will maybe not like, but about all those questions you’re asking yourself, I recently purchased this CBT book

http://totallyaddshop.com/products/the-adult-adhd-tool-kit#.VXL1qEYT-Uk

It feels to me like, if you take those 6 months for yourself, that is a must-read, as it really explains a lot about how we are who we are.

They kind of dissected our procrastination process, and a lot of other stuff too. Since you seem very set on changing stuff, I think  you will find the answers to a lot of questions you have. It is not an easy read though^^

I’m hoping this was at least encouraging if not helpful, but i wish you the best.

 

Force et Honneur !

 

 

 

 

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[hum4n]

Hi redarno,

thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond ! really appreciate that loads 🙂

Nice to connect with you through this forum !

I am going to get my hands on that book as well. I’m still in the middle of this crazy project… but it’s almost at the finish line. So the “6 months break” will start soon. Looking forward to it.

thanks for your understanding and support. Means a huge deal.. thank you !

hope you are well !

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