I'm so relieved… and so angry.

[Anonymous]

I was originally diagnosed with ADD when I was around 8, and I was medicated. At the time, I just remember feeling angry and resentful about having to take meds. I didn’t want to be different, and I didn’t see any difference in my behavior. My mother says there was a marked difference- I just refused to see it.

When I was 14 I moved in with my grandmother, who thought ADD was the diagnosis of the moment, and that all I needed was structure and a healthy diet. The first thing she did when I moved in was toss my meds.

It should have been a pretty clear sign to everyone that I went from an honor student to failing every class, almost getting expelled, and very nearly dropping out of high school. No one saw it.

When I finally did graduate from high school, I went through a series of jobs because I couldn’t be on time, I missed too much time… you know the drill. I still didn’t see what the real problem was. I figured I just had a bad work ethic.

Then, I had my daughter, followed by my son, and the world fell in around me. I went through several years of overwhelming depression and anxiety. I was completely disabled. I couldn’t cope. There was just too much everything, and I was drowning in it.

I hated myself as a mother. I couldn’t be the kind of mother that I had always wanted to be. I was too short tempered, too restless. I got bored playing with them and couldn’t focus. I’d zone out in the middle of a conversation with them, or lose my temper if they asked a question while I was trying to focus on something else. Eventually, I gave up. I’d never be a great mom, so I just resolved to be the best mom I could be.- even if it wasn’t good enough.

Then, I stopped trying new things. I went from jumping from interest to interest to not trying anything, because I knew I’d fail. After all, my life is littered with half- finished projects. I gave up on myself.

That changed when my son started having trouble at school. His doctor and teacher both recommended we have him evaluated for ADHD, and we have. During the evaluation, my husband started discussing my struggles and behaviors with the evaluator and she gave me this piercing look and said, “You need to talk to your doctor about treatment. You need help.”

So I did.

And as that first Concerta kicked in, I started to cry from relief. I called my best friend and asked her if her brain was always like this- can she always follow a thought from the beginning to the end? Can she always remember what she was doing five minutes before? Is her mind always that quiet?

Turns out, yes, it is.

I spent the evening with my kids without yelling at them or trying to relentlessly control everything about them or our environment. I was able to supervise chores and bedtime without forgetting what I was doing halfway through. (My daughter was appalled by this, by the way. “Wait… why are you all the sudden remembering that I’m supposed to be doing something? I don’t like this.”)

I was ecstatic.

And then I got really, really angry. Not at my grandmother, because I know her intentions were good, but at circumstance. I feel robbed. What could I have done? What could I have been? And how much better would my life and the lives of my children have been if I hadn’t spent the last 18 years struggling?

I am not expecting that this will be the magic pill that makes everything better. I know I will still struggle. I am just so relieved to know that the things that made me a failure were symptoms. I have hope for the first time I can remember. I have hope that I can once again learn to believe in myself, and hope that perhaps the future won’t be another sixty years grinding away in an unceasing whirlwind of thoughts and impressions and sensory input, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I can stop fighting the never ending battle to always be in control.

I am hopeful that I can live my life instead of enduring it.

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[Anonymous]

Wow, Bell, you have described a lot of my own life. Only, I am 58 and have a husband who is also has his own agenda of ADHD symptoms. I am new to this forum, my first reply and I am many of the things you have written on and then some. I will continue to use this brand new website in hopes to get more information on ‘all the things I never knew I was about’ and I welcome comments, too. I think I may have found a new playground for adults like me in caring, talking, laughing, sharing, and crying with each other. At least, I hope so. I want to live my life instead of being a visitor in it, too.

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[Anonymous]

I feel your pain.

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[Anonymous]

You are right that medication is not going to be the answer alone. But it is an amazing feeling when you finally realize “WHY”. I am glad you are on your way to a better and happier life. This group is so amazing. There is nothign better than finally talking to ppl who know how you are feeling. Lots of pointers on this website and I am sure if you ask you will get lots of answers

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