i'm too embarrassed to ask anyone i know in real life?

[corporatebird]

I’ve got anxiety and a little depression, and a few different psychiatrists I’ve seen have asked if I have ADD. I wanted to get tested because, like, I’m the sort of person where once it’s suggested I want to know for real! But when I mentioned it to my parents (who accepted my anxiety etc without any trouble) they were like, ‘no way, you were never hyperactive and you do so well in school,’ all that stuff. Plus, I’m 20 and a girl. But my brother has Aspergers (autistic spectrum) and I know that his issues have always overshadowed mine. I tried to be really good when I was growing up because he was always so troubled. I didn’t find out about my anxiety until two years ago, but looking back it has always been there. I worry my parents just don’t WANT me to have ADD – I mean, that’s just another thing to deal with.

I wanted to get tested, and had an appointment set up, but I chickened out because I didn’t want to ask my parents to cover the cost of it, especially if it turns out I don’t have it!

But lately, I’ve been having problems with my room mate. She’s been my best friend for so long, but since we started sharing an apartment we’ve been having trouble because I… break things? Like, not on purpose.

I don’t know how to say it, I just make stupid mistakes. Once, I put her clean laundry on the floor once because it was folded and I thought it was fine (I do that with my own clothes a lot!) and she was SO  upset because she thought I did it on purpose, said things like, ‘I know you’re smart so how could you not think about how I would feel?’. I’ve dropped her phone before when I was supposed to be holding it but forgot or just accidentally loosened my grip. When she lends me school supplies, I try to take care of it but she always points out damage I’ve done that I didn’t notice and I feel SO bad. She tells me I just need to practice paying more attention? And today (after I accidentally broke a headband of hers) I helped her with her laundry. I was washing her sheets and I accidentally put her comforter in the wash with its cover instead of JUST the cover. She was so worried when we realized, scared it would be ruined. I told her I thought it was all one piece and she said ‘When has it ever been that way???’ Which, like, when I thought about it! It has never been that way. I didn’t know what to say.

She wants me to stop ruining things (she’s super nice, all she says is ‘Just try to be more aware of what you’re doing’) and I can’t seem to do it. I don’t know, it hurts so much that I can’t seem to just… Be better, you know?

But I don’t know if I have ADD, and I worry I’m suspecting I have it JUST because of this clumsiness of mine and that I’ll get tested and I won’t have it and it will be a waste of money and everyone who told me they don’t think I have it will be right.

And at the same time, I REALLY don’t want to have it? I don’t know, I’m too nervous to talk to anyone I know about this right now. I tend to overthink things a lot, and they might just think it’s that.

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[That Guy with ADHD]

When I first thought I might have it I started here at TotallyADD.com.  I read through the blogs and watched the videos and everything resonated with me.  Like you, I have issues with anxiety and depression and also have similar issues with making simple mistakes.  If you find yourself saying “I do that” while reading these entries you could have it.  I never realized just how many traits are related to ADD and I seem to have most of them.  Don’t dispair though.  ADD is not a life sentance.

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