increasing your self confidence

[phoenixmagicgirl]

I’ve always had low self confidence, for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if it’s because of having ADD or not…this may be a silly question because I know that everyone suffers from time to time with having low self confidence, but are ADDer’s prone to it moreso? What are some ways that I can increase my self confidence? Thanks!

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[Scattybird]

Hi – I think lacking self confidence is common to lots of people irrespective of whether they are ADHD or not.

However, I think that we are more likely to lack confidence, but whether that’s due to our wiring or whether it is learned I don’t know. I suspect it develops in us because we generally screw-up so much that eventually it gets us down and we just know another screw-up is around the corner so  how can we be too confident?

It is something that I struggle with so I don’t feel I can give much advice (ironic lack of confidence here!), but it’s important not to take knocks to heart, it’s important to think positive thoughts and boot out negative thoughts, and it’s important to mix with people who are non-judgemental. Also learn to laugh and not take yourself too seriously.

Look the world right in the eye  (as Val Doonigan (spelling?) once sang).

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[Wgreen]

Well, I’m no therapist, but I’ll make the observation that when you don’t have complete control of your “operating system,” it’s bound to affect your confidence. Constantly bumping into so many “walls” takes its toll. Confidence comes from realizing you’re (largely) in control of your life, fate notwithstanding. Or knowing you can do some things extremely well. Or realizing you’re capable of more than you previously assumed. I think people in general, but ADDers in particular, need to find niches where they can experience some success. Otherwise, life with ADD can be debilitatingly frustrating.

When I was young, my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be (the American parental mantra). Of course, as inspirational as that was intended to sound, it wasn’t true. No matter how hard I worked, I could never have become an olympic sprinter or astronaut or many other things. My advice: Don’t go looking for failure. Look for work and pastimes you have a knack for and, ideally, you really like. Then work hard to excel at them. Success will spawn pride. And pride will build confidence.

We argue about his on the forum, but I think the key to getting by with ADD is to acknowledge the serious limitations it imposes. Then find a way, if you can, to work around them so you can have some success in life. With a bit of luck and a good strategy, you can ring the bell!

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

GREAT ADVICE HERE!

Wgreen, I hear you about, “You can be anything you want.”

I can’t be an NBA Star.  Too short. Too old. Too out of shape… Let’s just stick with too short.

But then the question to ask is, “Do I really want to be an NBA star?” And the answer is no. The question to ask, I think, is what do you want to be. That’s the key step that 95% of people never do.

And studies have shown that the 5% who do know the answer to what they want to do, or be, or have, and if they write it out and define it, are far more successful in life. When we made the documentary ADD & Loving It?! Ava and I wrote out a list of about 15 things we wanted for the program, including how many people would see it, how many lives would be impacted, the awards it might win, and so on.

Some of them didn’t come true. But most did. And most went above and beyond. It wasn’t magic, it was just that we had these goals in mind, and it guided what we did, what decisions we made, how we spent the budget, who we interviewed… even what the title would be. (I chose something that sounded offensive to people who have ADHD and are struggling and would appeal to people who know little or nothing about ADHD and wanted a show that would confirm that it was a great thing and people with ADHD should just stop complaining.) (And then when they actually tuned in, the ADDers were validated beyond words, and the people who didn’t know were stunned, but not made wrong. They weren’t scolded, or guilted, or mocked.)

Okay, I’m wandering.

The point I was trying to make is that to figure out which of your strengths you want to build on, and which of the issues around ADHD you want to get under control and turned around, you have to figure out what you want to do. Where do you want to get to?

No sense spending a huge amount of time for a system to remember you car keys if you’re not going to drive anywhere.

Does that make sense? I’m not sure if I explained this clearly.

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[Chica]

Yes Rick! Your point makes sense, I agree that learning the art of setting your intentions is a really important skill. I also agree that setting your intentions is a great way of starting any project, and success means more to you if it comes from something you intended to do. But in many instances I think that deciding what you want to achieve from the start is way too big and complicated.

For me, getting diagnosed is more than anything some insight into my up-and-down history of under achievement. I know I have some strengths to build on, but I still have no direction about what I want to do with my life, and the confusion isn’t clearing soon.

I think lots of ADDers are responsive people with lots of joie-de-vivre in the moment, I know I am like that, but when I try and imagine a new vocation even my wildest dreams leave me with a feeling of indifference. I think behind my indifference is this old unconscious impression that I am powerless.

I don’t know if I lack confidence because I am lost, or if I’m lost because I lack confidence – I just know you can’t simply decide you aren’t lost. In the meantime, I think any kind of forward momentum to use your time better is more important than knowing what you are doing.

I do know if I go looking for success, some sense of direction will come, and that sense of direction will be a sign of growing confidence.

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[kmkathymag]

This is a great discussion. I was diagnosed last year, in my late 40s. It’s been a relief and a revelation, but the struggles continue. I’ve been asked the question “If you could do anything you wanted, money no object, what would you do?” Aaack.

My problem is, I enjoy about 7 million different things. It’s overwhelming to think of picking one. I often wish I were one of those people who just knew from kindergarden on that they wanted to be an actor or painter or writer or vice president of strategic management. Sigh.

Looking at all this good advice about setting intentions and creating a structure from those intentions reminds me of how important it is to take this gigantic world of possibilities and asking: okay, what ideas relate to my project? Narrowing possibilities down, so that, paradoxically(?) you can succeed.

I’ve written elsewhere about my difficulty writing my thesis. Somehow, I’ve managed to graduate from college and get into graduate school – as an English Lit major – despite my extreme anxiety about writing. Well, not writing emails or facebook posts, but long (30-100 page) papers. I avoid writing like the plague, and feel crummy about myself because I’m such a loser because I’m avoiding it and not “just doing it” like smart and successful people.

On the other hand, I tend to think of the paper in huge huge terms, and everything in the world is fair game to include in it, and it’s got to be the best paper ever written and amaze the academic world. . .Augh! Forget it.

The only way I’m going to get this done is to understand that it’s just a paper, and while I want to do well, doing it does not require magic. I need to structure it, write it in small parts, get help with remembering the overall structure (which is hard for me), and stop telling myself it has to be genius.

Okay, enough of my rambling, hee. I guess Chica, what I’m trying to say is that by doing the work, and plugging away, what you need to do and want to do will start to reveal itself.

Now I just need to do it myself!!! Best of luck, and thanks so much for sharing.

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[kmkathymag]

Also, Rick, love what you have to say, and love your programs!

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[Chica]

Kmkathymag – I have had my fair share of ‘real world’ trials and tribulations, but I still count dissertation writing as one of the top three most miserable and gruelling experiences I have faced. I did get my degree, but only because friends saved me by asking 10 days before I had to hand in my year-long dissertation how it was going; when I said I had three pages they swooped in and helped me type up my notes for a whole weekend. I got a surprisingly good grade, but to this day I have no idea what I actually wrote.

It turned out to be a life-changing lesson in friendship, and I just don’t care that the actual dissertation itself  is meaningless, although while I was writing it the thought of compromise and just handing in whatever was UNBEARABLE.

I had assumed that the saga of that dissertation was about guilt, but my generous friends still tell their farcical story of saving my hide with relish. Helping me turned out to be a fun achievement for them, and I will say I have become a confident person about lending a hand to others who have made their bed but can’t lie in it.

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[eewjr]

Hi Everyone. I enjoyed everything I have read here. I was diagnosed in 2008 at 40 years old and it wasn’t until 2016 that I got serious about trying to live with my ADD. I have new meds, Adderall and Guanfacine, that work great.

However, I know that I enjoy working in the construction industry. I am a Civil Engineering Technologist that runs construction equipment and has a Truck Driving Class 1A license too.

My main problem is maintaining long term employment. My self esteem and self confidence is shot because I have not been able to stay at a job very long. My goal is to stay with the same employer past the 2 year mark. But now when I am trying new jobs and there are the nagging thoughts; Did I made the right choice for the present job?, If something better comes along do I take it?, Do I stick with the present job to gain the job stability?, on and on.

Any other comments would be greatly appreciated.

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