It's all starting to make sense….scared senseless!

[Anonymous]

On the July 1st weekend, my wife and I celebrated our 5th anniversary and for the first time in those years we were kid free. I woke up early, like usual, and turned on the documentary on PBS. I started watching it only because it was the guys from Red Green but started to realize that they were describing me to a tee. At first I didn’t know what to think and then the tears started flowing. It started to make sense. I never truly understood why my life is the way it is.

I have always been described as being above average in intelligence, creativity and talent (I hope that doesn’t come across too conceded) but keep having issues with work and life and am no further ahead than I was 15 years ago when I started my career. Don’t get me wrong, I have a beautiful understanding wife and great kids but financially and career wise I am back at the beginning. I always thought I was a total screw up as my Father reminds me often. (By the way he was no different, if it wasn’t for my Mom we would all have been on the streets) Since watching the documentary, my life has been a roller coaster.

I never would have been diagnosed in school because I had top grades until high school, they dropped to average cause I found out girls were more important. Of course now looking back I can see a lot of the signs beginning. Since then though my life seems to be one sabotage after another and the commonality in all the situations was me hence the feeling I am nothing but a screw up. I got married at 24 to an 18 year old and had a beautiful little girl. That is the only good thing that came out of that marriage. We were divorced shortly later and I raised my little girl till she was 8. During that time, I was a walking self sabotager. I took to heavy drinking and woman. My daughter never saw me like that because I kept it hidden. I took care of my daughter well but did not take care of myself. She asked if she could live with her mom and eventually agreed because I knew I needed to pull my self together. That was 7 years ago and I am still working on it. I am hoping after discovering that I may have ADHD that I can get the help I need.

It has taken me a little time to fully accept what this is and am now making my first Doctor’s appointment. I hope that the narrow mindedness of the area I live in will not be present when I start discussing this with my doctor. It is a huge fear of mine that I won’t get the help and just thought of just needing a little focus. I just want to stop feeling like there is a constant chaos inside me.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Rob

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[Anonymous]

Wow…”constant chaos inside me”…….story of my life!!!!

I’m new here myself…not officially diagnosed, but just had my AH-HA moment at 41 years old. Sounds like you’ve been a trooper for your little girl! Hopefully you will be able to follow through with an official diagnosis and treatment, and get where you need to be to gain control and be there for her again. I have just discovered this site and have been poking around, I think you will find LOTS of support and resources here, and some unorthodox ideas as well.

Don’t let it get you down….I have been suspecting I was ADHD for years, but I even procrastinated on checking it out online, and I’m on the web EVERY DAY, ALMOST ALL DAY. Remember, most people who don’t have this don’t know what it’s like, and since they can’t actually SEE it, well…then how can it exist?

YOU know there’s something wrong, and now, hopefully, now you know what it is.

GOOD LUCK!

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[Anonymous]

Hi Rob,

I think your story reflects what many of us have experienced.

One of the main things to bear in mind is that although you may well be considered a ‘screw up’ by other people’s standards, you should not buy into that view yourself.

By the sounds of it what you have achieved with your little girl and your current relationship is nothing short of a minor miracle. So many hunters (ADD’ers) living in this farmer’s (‘normal’ people) world end up behind bars or completely off the rails. So you should give yourself a pat on the back and credit for holding it together as well as you have. We know how hard that must have been, living life with an ADD brain ain’t easy.

If you do find your local GP isn’t entirely understanding then be persistent. We’re with you for the journey.

Finally, there’s one thing that I read on here which made me feel all warm inside. I’ll paraphrase, but it went something like this.

Other people might see you as a screw up. But at the end of the day you’re on this journey of self discovery, trying to get a diagnosis and treatment, because you want to be a better person. Bad people don’t do that, they don’t try and be better…and I know that you probably want to be a better person in a selfless way. More so for those around you than for yourself.

Good luck!

Richard

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