New to Totally ADD, first time poster. I am 41 and was diagnosed having a more severe inattentive type about 8 months back on the advice of a friend who was frustrated from seeing me look for my keys 3-5 times a day. I’ve been through the up and down emotions, regrets, guilt (im recognize being undiagnosed was a large part of my marriage falling apart) and disappointment – looking back at 4 decades of consequences from this thing. Im on 30mg of Vyvanse now. I wait until I start my work day and it ‘makes symptoms less apparent’ for about 4-7 hours then the help wears off. Without it, I know I could not do my job (I now recognize I have lost many jobs due to this).
Im glad that there is a community here – that I can relate to many of the symptoms and problems and frustrations of consequences. So community, I just need to vent.
– Before the meds, I have always felt like I was a walking, talking zombie. My head feels ‘tight’ like its in a knot when im not on the meds. When im on the meds – it ‘loosens’ a bit and I can focus ‘more’ – but I still have problems with distraction, talking over people, organizing.
– Im so exhausted knowing that this thing never goes away – I just get about 4-7 hours of respite. I find myself having to schedule things ‘i need to get done’ around taking a pill. I hate that. I feel like I need to take a 2nd does – so I dont revert back to zombie mode after lunch and all the way till I go to bed.
– Im so exhausted from forgetting anything that falls outside of my field of view. I feel like my working memory is shot/non-existant. God help me if I dont remember to put keys, wallet, phone at my ‘home station’ by the door. Just today – prepared coffee, was in my hand – and after putting it down to get my keys, I walked out the door and down to my car without my cup. No more than 5-10 seconds passed after putting my coffee down. This happens with anything and everything – 7 days a week, 365 days a year – anywhere from 5-10 times a day. Im exhausted.
– Im tired of forgetting that I forget. Im tired of forgetting conversations, emotions, feelings, details, tasks, conclusions. Its like something inside of me is deciding what it wants to remember and what it does not. I can remember passwords, programming logic.. but I cant remember what I was supposed to do when I walked in my kitchen – every time.
– My meds do nothing at all for my memory issues.
– So many gmail pop-ups, email reminders, text messages, post-its on doors, cabinets.. They help a little at first, then my mind starts to ignore them. The notes start to blend in to the walls – despite their bright colors. Doesnt my ADHD brain know i need to remember these things.
– Im saddened that things I know I used to or should be enjoy are boring now. I can only pay attention for a short time – even on the meds.
– Im frustrated that I continually talk over people or too much – never letting people get a word in when Im doing conference calls.
– Im tired of walking over things that need to be picked up with seemingly no interest. Im tired of bills getting behind, disorganization with money, mail stacking up, always, always, always late.. no matter what. I recognize I act only on duress or consequences. I wash when im out of clothes. I clean when there is clearly dirt. I take out the kitchen trash when it starts to leave a foul odor. I seemingly lack the wherewithall for so many common things to have focus or forsight that the rest of the world does.
– I recognize and amd saddened by the fact i know I willfully keep a distance from people emotionally because I dont want to get them involved in my ADHD mess and them being frustrated with things I cant control..
– My issues are heavy for me and heavy for those around me. Some people understand – some dont, some want to but feel I can ‘snap out of it’ on my own. The heavy makes me in a natural state of sadness and perhaps even depression. I recognize I look sad/angry by ‘default’
– I try to take Sam-e to ‘Force my mood’ to be higher than it is, but the eventual consequences of ADHD pull me down when things go wrong. Not even sure Sam-e to boost/override my state of overwhelm from ADHD mess is the right approach.
– I have an amazing job, but I struggle to keep it together. I forget details, im unorganized. I recognize I need to read and re-read and re-read my todos many times in a day to remember what im supposed to be doing. If its not on that list – forget it.
– I have a 6 year old son, who I know has what I have. He is frustrated by his own symptoms (forgetfulness, hyperactivity) and is upset when my own consequences affect him (ie, forgetting where my keys are = dropping him off late to school)
– I have an amazing, beautiful, energetic, compassionate and supportive woman in my life, who is positioning to take on this ADHD partner thing for the long haul. She doesnt mind the post-its everywhere, the reminders – she has written some on her own. I know she silently is overhwhelmed by the memory loss. She used the word ‘daunting’ once to describe my mood, memory, etc.. I know my ‘default’ low-energy-mood is a buzz-kill for her. I forget this frequently – and learn it only from her frustration that my default is to be moody from resignation or just in a depressed state. I try to ‘fake myself out’ to be happier when she calls or visits – but I typically slip back to the default state. I saw a post here about ‘sucking the life’ out of a relationship – I know I do the same thing. I literally have notes to remind me to ‘be happy’ when she calls – but then – of course – I either forget or the note has blended in to the background and is ignored. Ive changed her contact name to include ‘Smile!!’ on my phone so I have a reminder each time – but to no avail. I feel like I suck the life out of her natural energy. I want to be happier from the inside out, but the ADHD symptoms are overwhelming for me. What do I do to give our relationship the support structure it needs to survive for the long haul?
Thank you for reading all of this – im glad if nothing else this site can be a good resource to relate and be supportive of others in my shoes.
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