Just when I thought I had me beat….I fall back into me!!!

[Bettyboo]

Hi, I haven’t posted for a while as I have been fairly busy and like my title said I really thought I had the adhd me habits beat and then my evil twin appears. I know that I don’t have an evil twin, and I am “me with adhd” but dang it do I have to go back to those bad habits I created all of these years not knowing I had adhd. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m working very hard at creating positive habits for myself and it seems that if I just relax a tiny bit on anything from house work to office work I’m behind even further. Procrastination (there are other habits) is very difficult for me and I have become very good at convincing myself that I’ll do it later or bring it home you’ll get it done…it never happens!!! Then, do I pay for it…clients are bitching, family is complaining, I run out of time or underestimate time and then I want to hide and I’m not nice to myself. It really is a vicious circle and it’s frustrating…do I have to always be on top of my adhd can I relax ever….what happened to the magic pill theory…does it clear up after a year and reality sets back in…or is the magic pill theory just to fool you. I need some support from others who have felt that the meds (magic pill) worked beautiful in the beginning and then what ???? (don’t even know what to say) my meds are still functioning well and I do catch myself but it’s so discouraging that I don’t sometime find I even care and want to give or I’m not very nice to myself – meaning I beat myself up verbal (not physically)

Thoughts, ideas…anything…it has been 1 yr and 2 months since my diagnosis I’m 45 years old….so many years to create many unhealthy, unfulfilling habits….Elizabeth

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[Saffron]

I find that the meds give you get-up-and-go and they give you the presence of mind to follow through on tasks once you start them. But their tragic limitations, as far as I’m concerned, are that they can’t give me the same perception of time as other people, and they can’t keep me from regularly becoming overwhelmed and needing to steal time to mentally rest (or becoming bored and needing to steal time to focus on something more interesting). As you know, there’s a fine line between those last two.

This means, despite the meds, I *still*:

~ take too long to do things

~ run out of time constantly despite my best intentions and efforts

~ have trouble distributing tasks throughout a time frame (on paper it looks lovely and is all prioritized, but in practise it’s a wash)

~ get stuck on one task longer than is reasonable (either because it’s more interesting than the others so I start to hyperfocus, or because it’s damn boring and my brain is turning to mush, so I start to slow down)

~ become discouraged about my remaining tasks when the above happens, and feel overwhelmed (which paralyzes me and causes an urgent need for escape to do something restorative)

~ feel desperately cheated out of unwinding time when the day is ending and my to-do list is only partway done, despite going at it the whole day

~ end up robbing sleep to pay me-time, which no doubt lops off some of the effectiveness of the meds

~ beat myself up for inefficiency.

My mission lately has been to figure out how to bite the bullet and cut corners way, way more (i.e., as large as I can stand to cut them) and not to take on (or create for myself) any more tasks, responsibilities or hobbies than those I already have.

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[Anonymous]

Yikes Saffron, we could be twins. It sounds as though you are talking about me when you describe yourself. It is nice to know though that we don’t suffer alone. This is my first time on this site and already I think it’s awesome.

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[Saffron]

@NZadd — Thanks for the empathy! Welcome.

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[BAM123]

I’m the same age and was diagnosed about a year ago. I went though the same feelings as you. Initially the adderal was a miracle. It et me straight in a lot of ways. Made me more effecient, concentrate better, more productive and more reliable.

I’m fairly successful, but always feel I could be so much more. I have come to realize that the meds are only part of the equation. I have not fully figured out the other part. I excercise a lot and it makes me feel better, but then I undue my gains with a poor diet in the evening, or a few drinks to quell my anxiety.

When I beat myself up, I try to remember to tell myself, “Forgivness, it’s a virtue. are on a consta Forgive others and forgive yourself.”

We are constantly torn between feeling guilty, or ashamed or “less than” and giving ourselves credit for iur successes and triumphs. When I’m at my worst, I try to remember that I have a disorder. Remember to be gentle with yourself when you need to. It is a balancing act.

Sometimes we need a kick in the ass and sometimes we need to forgive ourselves and give ourselves a break. Noone is perfect. SO when you feel at your worse, forgive yourself. Give yourself a break for a while and then climb back on your horse and keep on trucking. It is a cycle and we all have to be willing to oush ourselves, but also aknowledge, hey I do have ADHD and there will be times when I’m beating myself up. Ther will also be tims when I’m creative, loving empathetic and loving. My feeling we are mostly the latter most of the time and the disorder just gets in the way. Love yourself.

What makes me succesful is my uniqueness and my ability to solve problems and think outside the box. What I’m not great at is organization and tedious work. I have recently hired someone to help me organize and do the things I am not good at and let me do the things I excell at. I still have challenges and still have a lot to do on my own, but delagation when possible can be liberating.

Hang in there

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[BAM123]

P S I am exploring things to augment the meication and am considering martial arts and/or meditation. I think we need to keep reaching outside the meds and not expect taht we can take a pill and have all of our problems go away. It has to be soem kind of combo of med and physical and mental training. Would be great to leave meds behind altogether some day.

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[Bettyboo]

Thanks for the posts. I understand that the pills are really about allowing my brain to follow through on what I really want. I’ve created such horrible habits that are so hard to break. I am trying to step back and see what I’m doing before I do it…makes me crazy though.

Going to bed now…in Edmonton and I’m tired.

Good night!!!

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[Anonymous]

Gettting an ADD work book can work wonders!

I purchased an ADD work book almost 5 years ago when I was first diagnosed. I thought I had worked through most of it but after looking at the work book again I realize I had not.

The chapters that I did work though improved, but the chapters I missed were where I fell short. So now I am planning to give this work book a workout and hopefully learn more this time.

Chao,

D

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[Anonymous]

Elizabeth, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you’re working against a lifetime of bad habits. Unwinding a lifetime of bad habits and creating good habits is a massive undertaking, and I think you should be proud of the progress you’ve made.

For me, medication did not fix my problems. The medications simply cleared away the “brain fog”. Having the fog cleared from my brain gave me the opportunity to practice and develop better habits and skills. If you’ve ever learned to play an instrument or a martial art like karate, it’s a life time of practice. For me, the skills and habits I need are no different. My art and practice IS living in the moment.

I’ve found going to a Zen teacher has been one of the best things I’ve ever done for my ADHD. The Zen practice almost seems like it was developed for people like us. It’s all about how to “wake up” and live in each moment completely and fully.

When I put my Zen practice together with my medication, it’s been an extremely effective combination. I’ve been practicing Zen for nearly 4 years now and medicating for almost 2. While I’m far from perfect, I’m definitely much more effective than I used to be.

For me, it’s not a magic pill, it’s a magic opportunity.

Cheers,

CET

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