The Forums Forums Emotional Journey My Story Lack of support from my significant other

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  • daftdalla
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    I am 41 years old, and I have not (yet) been “officially diagnosed,” but my psychiatrist has had me do a self-reporting screening that we will be going over at our next appointment at the end of the month. Considering there were only two or three answers that did NOT fall within the shaded squares, I’m fairly sure he’ll be adding ADHD to my list of other disorders (so far… MDD, Atypical Anxiety Disorder [AAD], PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD]). I swear, I have more letters after my name than I do IN my name, and none of those letters are associated with my level of education!

    I have such a hard time staying focused on anything that I don’t find incredibly interesting. For instance, right now, I’m supposed to be working on school work (I’m a full-time student, finishing up my B.S. in Computer Science). However, I don’t want to create a PowerPoint presentation about how companies use digital media, and I don’t want to write software documentation. It’s BORING, and it’s useless. So, while scrolling through Facebook, I found an interesting video that reference this site, and here I am spilling my guts to complete strangers. I also have a very hard time paying attention to verbal communication. Thank goodness my school is 100% online, but I really struggle when my fiance starts trying to teach me something and goes into his lecturer mode. My attention span is way too short for … just about anything. I can’t remember much of anything. My iPhone is full of notes and reminders on the calendar. Thank goodness for my iPhone! It keeps me in line.

    My fiance refuses to recognize that many of the things I do that infuriate him are caused by ADHD. I have trouble paying attention when spoken to directly, and he claims that I just “don’t care enough to pay attention.” I can’t remember which chores I’m supposed to do today? Yeah, I just don’t care enough to remember. I can’t suddenly shift my attention from whatever I’m currently doing to whatever he wants me to do -right now-? You got it – I just don’t care enough. He’s even gone as far as to say that he’s tired of hearing about ADHD and doesn’t think it really plays any role in the “bad behaviors” I exhibit. I’m just lazy and self-centered, and I use ADHD as an excuse.

    I’m at the end of my rope. It KILLS me every time I disappoint him with my bad behavior. I don’t want to disappoint him, and I don’t want to cause him anxiety and distress. I don’t want to be a bad person. Yesterday, he went so far as to say that I’m abusive (although he attributed that to the Borderline Personality Disorder, because that IS the root of all evil as far as he is concerned).

    I’ve suspected I have ADHD for about two or three months, now. At first, I was relieved that my bad behavior has a name. I started taking caffeine and a vitamin B Complex, and that helped me control my symptoms for a short time. It has not taken long for the caffeine to stop working unless I take large amounts that end up causing severe insomnia. Obviously, being sleep-deprived does not help the situation. My fiance seems to think that if I practice delayed gratification, then I can “train [my] pre-frontal cortex” to respond to stimuli better. It’s just all about having the desire to change how my brain works. I call BS on that, but what do I know?

    My inability to control the ADHD and BPD symptoms have led to increased bouts of severe depression (thank you very much, MDD), and I was obsessed with dying for a while. I thought about it constantly while awake, and I dreamed about it at night. The song, “Mad World,” sums it up nicely: “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I ever had.” I’ve since found a safer outlet that has stopped the suicidal ideation, so I’m not a danger to myself any longer. Please, don’t worry – I’ve already informed by psychologist, and I’m certain we will be discussing this new coping mechanism next week when I see him.

    I am overwhelmed by all of the various disorders I have. I feel broken and unable to be fixed. I feel hopeless. I honestly think it would be best if I went off and lived alone with my dog (who loves me unconditionally and does not care if I am a selfish b*tch). At least, then, I can’t hurt anyone other than myself. Once I finish my Computer Science degree, I can at least work from home, although I don’t think I will do well in that career. It requires too much attention to detail and too much mental focus. Most of all, I just feel totally ALONE. No one around me (other than my 16-year-old son, who I suspect also has ADHD) seems to understand what I’m struggling with, and no one really seems to care. I’m just supposed to “get over it” and move on, but no one can tell me HOW to do that!

    pinerider
    Participant

    Hey daftdalla, too bad it’s taken so long for a reply to your post, I’m sure people read it and meant to reply, but got distracted!

    I just figured out I’m an ADD’er, will be celebrating 40 years of marriage in March, if we’re still together (just kidding!)

    It hasn’t been easy for either one of us, but now that I know why I do some of the things I do, I can avoid doing some of them.  Avoidance has been part of my strategy, I have avoided doing projects and initiatives where I know there will be no spousal support.  It makes for a less exciting life, but I can deal with that.

    The other kind of spousal support – She has multiple health issues and feels that I don’t give her the support she expects.  I try and do my best, but it just doesn’t seem like enough to her.  When she lowers her expectations, things go better!!

    Hopefully things are going better for you now, remember everything is temporary!!!

    My husband used to tell me that I need to get tested for ADD. I’d forget simple things, lose things all the time, and make him repeat everything he just said because I was off in la-la land. After talking to my doctor and being tested, we found out that I do, indeed, have ADD. I was also later diagnosed by a psychiatrist, as well. Anyway, I got on Adderall, and life got not only better, but it got NORMAL! I LOVED being able to give him 100% of my attention when he was speaking to me. I loved setting my mind to a task and actually completing it. I loved knowing right where my keys/purse/phone was at all times. I later lost my job and was unable to afford the doctor’s appointments and medication. I went back to being forgetful and inattentive. He’d get mad at me and I’d tell him, “I’m sorry. But you know if I was on my medicine, it wouldn’t be this way.” He’d get even madder! He said I’m just using the medicine as an excuse. He said that I’m always like “medicine this” and “medicine that”. He’s the one who convinced me to go get diagnosed and get help managing my ADD, but suddenly, ADD is just a crutch to him! I’m so freaking frustrated. I’m not making up excuses to him. I mean, like I said, I was diagnosed by both a medical doctor AND a psychiatrist, separately. And he saw a tremendous improvement in me when I was on my meds. It’s just frustrating because I, like others, feel so ALONE in dealing with this disorder. Thankfully, I recently got another job and can get back on insurance, and therefore, my meds. It’s been almost two years since I’ve been on them. I can’t wait to feel normal again.

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