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Life is worse than ever since being diagnosed. What do I do?

Life is worse than ever since being diagnosed. What do I do?2010-03-17T02:06:40+00:00

The Forums Forums Emotional Journey Stuck in Regret/Anger Life is worse than ever since being diagnosed. What do I do?

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  • #88286

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I’m a high IQ 42 year old adult. I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2008. At first I was elated. I have always known I am bright and capable of so much more than I’ve ever been able to achieve. In spite of my high IQ I’m a high school drop-out with a GED, I’ve failed in three attempts at a college degree, and I have several life-long goals that I have failed to start or complete after multiple attempts.

    But now I finally knew what was wrong. I was free and very hopeful for the future. I sought treatment but after two years have found no meds which help without making other symptoms worse. When I sought therapists I found that I often knew more about adult ADHD than they did. Most just go by the DSM-IV and know next to nothing about the explosion in knowledge of the neurobiological causes of ADHD or the theories of executive functions and their ties to the problems of ADHD. Now, after two years of searching for an effective treatment (even going so far as to drive to Yale to meet with Dr. Thomas Brown) I feel like my psychological state is worse now than ever before. I’ve had to take disability to keep from losing my job because the failure to find an effective treatment for two years has caused me to slowly descend into deep depression and a feeling of hopelessness resulting in plummeting job performance.

    So what do I do now? I think a coach would be very effective for me but I can’t afford it and my insurance doesn’t cover it. It appears meds aren’t an option for me since I haven’t found anything yet that helps. And all the psychologists worth a crap that I have found don’t accept insurance. I’ve spent $15,000 out of pocket in the last year and am no better off (perhaps even worse) than I was when I started looking for help.

    I’ve run out of ideas. I’m so depressed I can barely bring myself to get out of bed and eat. I’m about to lose my insurance and my job and my family is falling apart. If anyone can provide any guidance, help, advice, etc. I would be very grateful.

    Thank you all.

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    #93052

    allovertheplace
    Member
    Post count: 28

    Hi there

    I get where you’re coming from. I’m sorry it’s been such a rough road. I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago and am surprised at how difficult the road to managing this disorder is. I am taking medication but find it doesn’t help as much as I had hoped. And though I am extremely motivated to make change, I fall off the freaking wagon two seconds after I get on (because I forgot what I was doing ;o). Sometimes I think the fact I didn’t know what was wrong a few years ago kept me telling myself to “pull up my bootstraps” no matter what. Now that I can see my issues as longstanding and something I won’t just “get over”, everyday I end up feeling like a total tool. But I figure I have to keep going with this. And hearing some of the stories on this website helps me to not feel so alone and think that I can keep going with this.

    I do actually have a coach now, who is helpful, but I have to tell you it’s not a cure. And it’s pricey. It helps to keep me getting back up and trying again, and it is still mostly me figuring out where I need to go with this. But from what you write I think you have the same feeling that keeps me from giving up- you know deep down that you are driven to do something meaningful and more satisfying than what you are going through now.

    So I have a few thoughts: Are you getting treatment/support for your depression?

    For the ADHD: Have you tried a support group? I don’t know where you’re located, but there is a good one in toronto that meets about twice a month. I believe if you go to meetup.com you can look up groups there and might find something useful. It can be great to just talk to others going through it.

    :o) A fellow ADD’er

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    #93053

    Patte Rosebank
    Participant
    Post count: 1517

    Whenever you feel like a tool, just remember that tools are very useful things. Just think of all the things that would never have been built or done or even designed without tools. Hell, you couldn’t even write your name without some sort of tool, whether it’s a pencil or your own finger!

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    #93054

    Monika
    Member
    Post count: 82

    Ok, WW.

    1. You need to consider are you REALLY worse off now than you were before you discovered your ADD tendencies/challenges? http://totallyadd.com/welcome#/emotionaljourney/ From what I’m learning, it’s a process of Shock, Relief, but also Grief and there is Anger mixed in there too. Just see Rick’s http://totallyadd.com/three-inches-less

    2. If you want a lifeskills coach but can’t pay for one, go to http://www.flylady.net There are over 550,000 people World Wide who use her for overcoming their “sidetrackedness” (read ADD tendencies). It’s starts with decluttering your surroundings (which may help with your depression) and shining your sink so the focus is on family and home but there are men who follow her advice. There is also a control journal for home and one for work and tips on time management and organization.

    3. Remember three things; you are smart, creative and strong. That a journey of a thousand steps starts with only one (so don’t be overwhelmed, do just ONE thing) and that Attitude IS everything (so focus on what you are doing RIGHT instead of what you are doing wrong).

    I think some people believe that being identified is the end of the journey. They don’t realize it’s just the border of a new unexplored country, a beginning.

    And that’s enough from me, best wishes on your journey.

    M

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    #93055

    veronica
    Member
    Post count: 121

    i read this post yesterday and have been thinking about it since. just didn’t know how to respond.

    i agree with mm…. this is just the beginning.

    perhaps you are so concentrated on so many things that are not available to help you and you are not seeing that you have all the skills, you just aren’t honing in on what will make it all click for you. i mean if you “sought therapists I found that I often knew more about adult ADHD than they did”, that tells me you have a good sense of the issues that need to be addressed, but aren’t able to get direction.

    my husband is always getting aggravated with me about how i constantly need someone to tell me what to do next… when i already know what i need to do and i fight it. maybe this is what’s going on with you? maybe writing a list of your strong suits and things that you feel need improving. then use those strong skills to help you get the lesser awesome ones be beneficial as well.

    i think that mm offered some great sights. flylady takes a little getting used to, but the organizational advice is AWESOME. someone once told me that it takes 13 days to form a habit and 21 to break one. so start forming good ones and before you know it… those ones you no likey… will be a thing of the past.

    good luck!

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    #93056

    Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD
    Participant
    Post count: 473

    Hi Wrong-Writer,

    I take it from your Online name that you consider yourself someone who makes a different. You right the wrongs. Or does it refer to the fact that you feel everything you do is wrong?

    There are some good suggestions here. All valid. But I can tell you, the emotional roller coaster ride doesn’t really change anything. As you’ve discovered. The feelings… both high and low… are ultimately just feelings. A few years ago they were joyful, based on what you’d learned about your ADHD. Then perhaps you had thoughts about having it tamed, managed and being fully functional… (Or something like that.) And it hasn’t turned out that way. So you’re feelings are negative, dark and draining you of your vitality. And in a year fro now. Or two… or whatever. They change.

    So the way forward is to acknowledge those feelings, share them, as you’ve done here. But don’t necessarily honour them too much. If we honoured our feelings all the time, then the first time we had a fight with our spouse, and thought that dark thought that we all go to, “I should never have married them! I’d be better off single.” then zero percent of marriages would survive, right? Instead, we’ve made a commitment, and as we cool off, and especially when we consider the argument from our spouses point of view, and give up our point of view as being the only one, or even the right one (And that’s hard.) then of course we realize how much we love them, perhaps we realize how stupid or rude or whatever we have been to them. And we apologize and tell them what we told them in front of all those witnesses at our wedding… that we love them.

    So the trick is to have your feelings, and yet understand they are just the results of your expectations.

    This is the core of Buddhism. All suffering, all pain, is the result of unfulfilled expectation.

    Look around at the world, at your life, and you’ll see it’s true. A furious bride at her wedding expected it to be perfect, and it wasn’t.

    An angry investor expected their broker to be honest, and they weren’t.

    It may not seem fair that our broker is dishonest, or whatever, but it’s our expectation.

    So one of the things to do over the next while is to see if you can let go of your expectations, and ESPECIALLY the expectations of others.

    And the other suggestion… Exercise. Get out. Get moving. Walk. Briskly. Or bike.

    Exercise does more for your body than almost anything else. And it helps in pretty much any and every medical condition, disease or disorder. The movement, the passing scenery, are especially good for ADHD. We recently interviewed about a dozen experts at an ADHD Conference, and it was amazing how many recommended Exercise.

    I know from first hand experience, when I did a bike rally from Toronto to Montreal about five summers ago, my ADHD symptoms went way, way, way down. I was the best shape I’d ever been in. And there were moments on that ride where I was totally at peace and totally present.

    Please keep us all posted and let us know what’s happening with you.

    And thanks for your posting. You’re speaking for many, many people.

    Rick

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    #93057

    veronica
    Member
    Post count: 121

    Rick wrote: “So the trick is to have your feelings, and yet understand they are just the results of your expectations.

    This is the core of Buddhism. All suffering, all pain, is the result of unfulfilled expectation.”

    perfectly stated.

    one of my favorite quotes that i meditate on when i’m feeling a bit perturbed is:

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”

    and the exercise suggestion. winner! the other day, hubby and i were in a scuffle. i chose to not “get into it” with him and went for a run. when i came back i was of clear mind and was able to speak to him about the misunderstanding. we resolved the mishap and moved forward. he later said, “hey, when you’re pissed off at me…. or if you are feeling frustrated/emotional… tell me that you want to talk to me, but that you have to go run first, ok?! that way i know there’s something that is bothering you a lot, but i also know you’re not in the right state of mind to resolve it”. i just about died laughing when he said that. felt good to laugh at myself. :D

    good luck 2W. something will click for you. i swear it will. just have faith in yourself.

    ~v

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    #93058

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Thank you all for your very kind and supportive advice. I’m lucky I got to read it because, in true ADD fashion, I totally forgot I posted this. I just happened to be browsing the forum, saw the subject, and thought to myself – hmmmm, that sounds familiar. Weird.

    I have recognized much of the advice given by you all as good advice for some time. I just don’t end up doing it. My biggest problems from ADD have always been getting started, stopping if I do manage to get started, and/or finishing what I start if I can’t do it all in one sitting. Its worse now because of the depression which, of course, makes me feel even less motivated.

    I suffer from obsessive thinking (possibly OCD in the opinion of Dr. Brown). In the past it was a positive trait because if I got interested in something I would get absorbed in it and learn everything I could until some new subject came along to replace the current one. I learned a lot about many things to a level as high as some PhD’s. Unfortunately, that obsessive thinking is focused currently on the problems I’m having at work (I disclosed my ADD and now they are trying to fire me) and the sense of betrayal and anger at how I’m being treated by people I thought were my friends who now treat me like I’m “crazy.” I’ve tried to educate them but it falls on deaf ears.

    I start every day with a plan to do certain things I know would make me feel better, but the moment my wife leaves for work and I’m left alone my thoughts immediately turn to the issues with my employer. I obsess over them and usually end up spirally down into depression and getting nothing done (which just makes me more depressed). That’s why I think a coach would be good for me, because it would provide someone to spur me on and help me to act on my intentions instead of just think about them.

    I have contacted the local chapter of CHADD. Unfortunately, they’re small and don’t have much going on in the way of support groups, at least not near by. So I asked if I could volunteer. They’re very eager for volunteers but are currently trying to get their taxes filed (they have only two people running everything right now) so I’ll have to wait a couple more weeks before I find out what I can do. Just having something to do will help my mental state greatly I’m sure.

    I’ve also contacted some ADD Coaching organizations for information. I figure if I’m going to lose my job anyway I might as well get all the help I can while I still have some income even though we really can’t afford it.

    So that’s my update. Please continue to provide advice and support. It really helps. I hope to be in a mental state soon where I can turn my attention more to helping others going through similar problems as me. I’ll “pay it forward” ten-fold, at least.

    Sincerely,

    Glen

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    #93059

    Patte Rosebank
    Participant
    Post count: 1517

    Glen, don’t think, “I’m going to be fired anyway,” and just roll over and take it. Don’t be aggressive; be assertive. This situation can really energize you.

    Be prepared to advocate, and even fight for your rights. And though you may have doubts along the way (and perhaps get a little weepy when you hear songs like “The Impossible Dream”), choose to take action instead. You’ll have a purpose, and by fighting for your own rights, you’re preparing your self to fight for the rights of others. You’ll have research to do. You’ll have to keep a journal of everything that happens on the job—especially “what I said”, “what they said”, in unpleasant situations. Write these notes as soon as possible after the situations so you’ll remember every detail, but keep that journal on your person at all times, and don’t let others know about it. That’s what I had to do.

    Twelve years ago, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. At the time, I was working as a programmer at an IT firm, and I’d been transferred to a new boss who knew all about computers, but had no people skills whatsoever. He was a bully and a brute, who had a “TCB” (“taking care of business”) coffee mug, which served as a warning that he was a classic Type-A. (Just do the job and spare me the excuses.) He’d spring meetings on me when I was wrapped up in other things. He’d micromanage. He refused to accept that I had a disability—or as I considered it, a handicap, since I could still do things, but it was a lot harder for me to do them. And when my mother was in the ICU, waiting for an emergency triple-bypass (and you can imagine the state of mind I was in over that), that bully just dismissed it with, “Oh, she’ll be fine.” He didn’t have a flippant answer, though, when I pointed out that she’d just gone through breast cancer the year before, so her system was already weakened.

    A couple of months later, this bully cooked up a very negative quarterly review for me, which said, among other things, “Basic logical concepts appear to be beyond her limited capabilties”. (Note that he misspelled “capabilities”. A further irony is that I was shortly thereafter determined to be in the 93rd percentile for intelligence—just slightly below MENSA—even though I was under so much stress and anxiety. So much for “limited capabilities”.) As all my prior reviews had been positive, this one not only didn’t make sense, but was a total slap in the face, especially since he used it to justify immediately terminating me, and having me frog-marched out of the building.

    The following week, when I returned at the appointed time to clear out my desk, the HR person (who was actually a human being) who accompanied me, asked if I’d like to be alone. I replied with an icy, “No, you’d better stay here. I wouldn’t want to be accused of stealing anything.” She looked rather shocked that I would think the company would stoop to that. (Good. I’d got a little of my own back.)

    As I’d disclosed my disability several times, I had grounds for filing a Human Rights complaint. It dragged on for 3 years, during which, the company used the services of not its regular law firm, but a law firm very well known for viciously aggressive tactics. They responded to my complaint by trying a little character assassination, and claiming that the company was completely unaware of my “alleged disability”. But as I had taken the precaution of getting copies of everything in my personnel file before I was fired (something you should do too, since you’re legally allowed to), I had a “smoking gun”: his notes on me, which included a couple of references to the fact that my performance had improved when I’d started on antidepressant medication. When the Commission pointed out this little gem to the company’s lawyers, the company offered me a settlement ten times greater than the one they’d offered me when they’d fired me. Unfortunately, I’d racked up so many expenses related to my diagnosis and treatment, that the settlement was wiped out as soon as I got it. Still, I’d fought a long fight for what I knew to be right, and I’d won. (And I still get weepy when I hear “The Impossible Dream”.)

    I later found out that this bully had done the same “bullying followed by negative review and immediate termination” thing to others at the company (particularly “ethnic” employees), so he was responsible for numerous Human Rights and Employment Standards complaints. And yet, they promoted him. So much for all their touchy-feely BS about valuing their employees.

    The topper is that, a few years ago, I heard that the bully had died of a massive heart attack on New Year’s Day. He was only 55, and nearly everyone who’d ever worked for him was glad to see the end of him. It was Scrooge’s vision of Christmas-Yet-to-Come, in real life. And dying like that, making so many people in the world so happy that you’re out of it, is the absolute worst way to die.

    And all of us that he bullied are still here!

    Fight the fight, Glen!

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    #93060

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Hi Larynxa,

    Actually I have done everything you suggest above. I have loads of documentation and evidence including recordings of meetings (that is legal here in NC) that clearly show discrimination based on prejudice, ignorance, and complete and obvious bull-shit. I’ve consulted with two attorneys and both agree that I have the proof I need to win. If I was single with no children I would fight tooth and nail for however it took to not let them get away with this. However, I have a wife and young daughter to think about, not to mention my own mental health, and as you point out the battle would likely take several years and put a lot of stress on me and my family. It just isn’t worth it. Both attorneys agree its likely I would win eventually but they also pointed out that most of their clients who went on to win in similar cases reported that the settlement they won wasn’t worth the stress and the psychological and emotional turmoil they went through in the years fighting the case.

    It galls me to let them get away with it but I think it is healthier for me to move on with my life. I’m learning to look at this in a positive light. Because of this injustice I won’t go on and waste several more years of my life unhappy working for a company in which I could only rise so far because I can’t be the type of slime required to advance further. It still depresses me and I still obsess on it but eventually I’ll find a way with the help of friends, family, and professionals (coach, therapist, etc.) to earn a living doing something that allows me to preserve my ethical beliefs and not be dependent on lesser people controlling my fate. I got a lot of inspiration from this article at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/07/10-reasons-you-should-never-get-a-job/.

    BTW – When I said “I’m going to be fired anyway” I wasn’t speaking out of negativity or depression. I was speaking from firm knowledge and experience. I’ve worked for this company for eight years and I’ve seen how the game works. I just never knew what was going on behind the scenes. I also was naive enough to think I had a good boss who liked me and would want to help me. But I recognized the motions as soon as they started. There is no doubt I would have already been fired if I hadn’t gone out on short term disability. They won’t fire me while I’m on disability because that would support my case in a law suit. Ironically, their act of trying to frame me up as being psychologically unfit for work resulted in me actually being psychologically unfit for work because of the depression and stress it put me under. Go figure.

    Regards,

    W_W

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    #93061

    Bettyboo
    Member
    Post count: 53

    Hi W_W,

    I hearing what you’re saying and the depression can be difficult a long with everything else that you are feeling. I would love to tell you that what you are feeling or going through is all part of the symptoms but I don’t want to minimize your feelings / thoughts. I believe that we are all very hard on ourselves because we “should” be able to do what everyone else in life can do and I have come to the conclusion…not in my life time. I can’t keep up and I get overwhelmed and want to turtle. I came to some sort of conclusion that I’m happy to do what I can do and I have realized that I can’t compare myself to someone who doesn’t have adhd. I also have made it a point to live my life one day at a time. I have short term goals and long term goals. I do know that sometimes these goals change or I have to tweak them but that’s okay…it’s part of life. The other thing I have done is actually asked for help…from my husband, coworkers, friends…and because of this i’ve enjoyed more of the little things in life. Also, I will take a little bit longer to complete something. (given that I have a timeline that allows for a long time period to complete). I’ve reduced the about of excuses I make and so it has been easier…I would say to you be a little bit more verbal with your thoughts without being too aggressive.

    So, have some fun with life and live in the moment…life is far to short to live it for perfection.

    Have a great day today ;-)

    Elizabeth

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    #93062

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    i need help i am on an emotional rollercoaster as well, was diagnosed 3 years ago but didnt take it all that serious,

    feeling very angry right now about all the crap i had to take growing up for something i couldnt control,

    this site has been very helpful, can afford meds or therapist, i do go to support group but feel its not enough,

    would love to attend the workshops but its way too far for me i live in NJ, trying fish oil 5 htp and exercise.

    i love this site it has woken me up to this impairment. can anyone help?

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    #93063

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    want to talk to more people with it

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    #93064

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    I wanted to post an update for all of you gracious people who took the time to give advice and comfort during the rough times I’ve been going through.

    I started working with a coach about one month ago and it has made all the difference in the world. Even though I still have some psychological issues that need to be addressed I feel like the coach has helped me turn my life around already. I haven’t had any significant depression since I started working with him.

    The main thing he has helped me accomplish is changing the way I think about approaching tasks and projects and forcing me to get out of the house every day. They may seem like small things but just being able to feel like I’m making progress in the right direction makes my self-esteem soar.

    As some of you may have noticed from other postings I have been making here I feel like I’ve got my head together for the first time in over a year.

    I would like to give the coach’s name and web site but I’m not sure what the policy is here on promoting private businesses. If one of the moderators will kindly leave a comment letting me know if it is okay I would be very thankful.

    Thank you all for being so supportive and offering such great advice. I appreciate each and every one of you and hope I can return the favor someday.

    Sincerely,

    WW

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    #93065

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    Post count: 14413

    Hi;

    DON’t poo poo this suggestion. Consider getting into yoga, weight training, deffinately working out an hour a day. We neeeeed to be moving. We must be physical and these tools have altered my mind because the motion turns the wheels. Added benefits are a more buffed body but that’s minor compared to a sense of feeling normal which exercise does for us. Give it some consideration. The other thing i’d add is eat four times the vegetables as in a booster juice or something similar. It’s helped, not cured me but made some positive differences. When i chuck the white four I feel more normal as well as if the imprities further clog my mental state.

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