Looks like I have it, after all

[gianmaria]

Hi everyone.

I got back yesterday from my second appointment with my psychiatrist. Between the two appointments I’ve been asked to fill in several questionnaires, to let my wife fill in a couple of them as well and I had to consult my mother on a third one regarding the early months of my life.

After yesterday’s visit, the doctor has prescribed me Concerta.

From the profiling she’s been able to do, she would exclude depression and the indicators seem to point to ADD (with little hyperactivity complaints).

I have mixed feelings about it.

On one hand it is of course a relief to know that all this little incidents and accidents (you can call me Al) have now an explanation other than I’m an idiot.

Of course I have to cope with the feeling that something about me is “broken” or “different”. I think I will have to re-adjust my ideas about what it is to be healthy, or sane.

I never had a condition, I always considered me to be perfectly average, health-wise. But I may just have to accept that “average” is a statistical term and has nothing to do with exact sciences like medicine or neurology.

I also hope that my doctor is being fair and cautious. I wonder if two appointments and a bunch of questionnaires are enough to make the diagnosis and prescribe medications.

Or is she rushing?

I have no problems with medication. I know that it may take a while to adjust to it and that I may need to try a different one, if I won’t get any benefit from Concerta.

The only problem I have is that none of my insurances covers it. Apparently it is only covered for certain professions (like train drivers). It’s not for the money, I can still afford it, but I wonder why, if ADD is an actual condition, no insurance would cover at least partially the medications that go with it.

Anyway, I hope my medications can serve as some sort of facilitator, that would help me build conscious good habits to get rid of the undesired effects of ADD (while I’m perfectly ok with the good ones)

But, to be honest, the stronger feeling the ADD diagnosis leaves me with is PRIDE and GRATITUDE.

Well, because if the diagnosis is correct, well, I actually achieved quite a bit in my life in spite of it.

I’m in a relationship since 2002 with my loved one, and we have married in 2008 and (with highs and lows) we are still together and willing to stay so.

My kids are great and I’ve been essentially able to manage everything that has happened to me.

At school I had my problems, but they never overwhelmed me.

I’ve been able to get over a bad period around my twenties (anxiety/depression) without knowing I was ADD. I graduated with really good marks.

Yes, I have the feeling I’m not achieving what I really want to, but on the other hand I’m living abroad, I’ve learned two new languages in the last ten years, I just moved to a new house we have had built.

I’m not financially bankrupt and I still haven’t lost my day job (even though I hate it and it is clearly not suited for me).

I even managed to get some comics published this year.

And then there is gratitude.

Because in my childhood the adults around me have clearly laid good foundations. Because my friends and loved ones have always been very affectionate and able to see past my quirky aspects. Because my teachers never gave up on me.

 

Ok, that is quite a bit.

I’m looking forward to share my experiences with the community and to participate a bit more in future discussions.

Thanks for letting me share.

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[ramblinon]

@gianmaria

Are you still around? I just read your post…I was diagnosed ADHD a few weeks ago and am just working up the medication.

The only difference in my diagnosis was 3 hours of computer-based testing which spit out data compared to the norm and to other ADD/ADHD folks.

Luckily I was moderate and at 70% of the scale. Yup we are a creative bunch, so I was interested to learn you are a cartoonist? Correct?

 

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[gianmaria]

Hi Ramblinon,

I’m still around. But I have very little to add about my own experience at the moment. the doctor who was helping me has difficult visting hours pretty incompatible with my working hours and it is very hard to get an appointment at any other psychiatrician in my town, waiting lists are really long… result > I’m not in treatment.
I manage quite well, luckyly, but my forgetfulness is still pretty bad.

I’m not a professional cartoonist. I’d rather call myself a missed opportunity. But I still cannot bring myself to give up, so I still make stuff every now and then  (My three kids keep me quite busy)

 

 

 

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[blackdog]

@ramblinon

I scored 95%. I walked into the office after completing the tests and I hadn’t even sat down before he said “You have ADHD”.

@gianmaria

Good to see you are still here. Don’t worry about not having much to say, just say anything. That’s what I do. 🙂

I skimmed over a bit of your post. I’m getting pretty tired now and really should have been in bed 2 hours ago, so can’t read it all.

One thing I noticed is you were questioning whether two appointments and a few tests was enough for a diagnosis. That is pretty standard, except for the computer tests ramblinon mentioned. I know it doesn’t seem like much, I thought the same thing, and questioned whether it was a real diagnosis or not. But it’s all we really have to go on. The real proof is in your day to day life. I have been on medication for a little over a year now and I still can’t keep the house clean or remember appointments or keep track of the bills or figure out what happened to the pen I just had in my hand 2 minutes ago. I don’t honestly think I ever will be able to do those things.

I understand what you mean about feeling like there is something broken inside of you. I’m feeling a little depressed about that myself tonight, after another day of complete failures. It’s the hardest part of having  ADD, knowing that you are smart, and capable, and there is nothing really “wrong” with you, and yet still not being able to do those things that you *know* you should be able to do. And thats what makes hard to accept that it is a real disability, for us as well as other people. It’s very confusing sometimes.

And I am going on way too long, which is a sign I should be going to bed…

Best of luck, I hope you can get into a psychiatrist soon. They are in short supply where I live too, so I know how frustrating it is.

Keep posting whenever you can. 🙂

 

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[gianmaria]

Hi Blackdog and thanks for the kind words.

Don’t talk about not being able to go to bed.

I struggle witht his daily! at 8h30, when i tuck the kids in I almost regularly fall asleep while reading their bedtime story.

I then crawl back downstairs to help the wife with the reparations for the day to come (lunchboxes for the kids, tidying up the stuff lying around…). I usually do not feel like doing anything of importance, like getting back at the drawing board or replying that lenghty e-mail from a friend I haven’t seen in a while.

Nope. That’s too much effort.

Maybe I’ll iron some clothes, so I’ll prove I’m a good man of the house…

Nothing on TV, ok , I’ll just check YouTube, or some news site.

cut to TWO or THREE hours later: I’m still browsing the internet.

I feel like crap (pardon my French) because I could have done some useful things, or I could have done the things I always complain not having the time to do (like finishing that award-winning graphic novel I have thought up) or I just could have slept (once in bed, I can usually fall asleep pretty easy)

But no.

I just stayed awake to feel bad about myself after a wile. I finally get in bad crying promising myself tomorrow I’ll cut the crap and get real.

Until it’s 8h30 again at night and I’m tucking them in…

I think much of the problem is that I do not want to admit there are problems, because I’m afraid the people around me won’t accept it.

They’ll think I’m just making excuses.

So all the feelings I’m going through stay with me…

 

Don’t know if that makes any sense…

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