Me-me-me? (post from a Non-ADDer)

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone!

From a non-ADDer here. 1st post

Would Adult ADDers on this forum consider themselves selfish or Me-me-me?

I came across the television show which brought me here. Last experience even a year later has me scratching my head. I’m by nature an investigator (not by profession) and like to know WHY behind the behaviors. It’s more of a sense of AWARENESS of my part, the wanting to know.

This person whom I think is an Adult ADDer, after seeing the television show. Signs I’d experienced are: 1) impulsive 2) at times hyperactive 3) hyperfocus on computer = 18 hours 4) highly creative 5) constant talker 6) fun when ‘sparked’ 7) *critical* interrupts 9) blunt 10) antisocial (unless it has to do with their art) 11) up and down behavior 12) temper (whew) 13) sensitive (and a bully) 14) ran away from home at 17 prior to graduation 15) said they could have received scholarship if graduated from high school

Seemed * I * couldn’t live UP TO their expectations. Which seemed MANY. The mouth CUT deep. After a while, I couldn’t tell what their TRUE reality was. Too confusing for me. My ex called me patient, which is true, however my pschy (spelling) got confused by the differing words expressed. I had to let them go. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, however I had to choose me.

With regard to GRUDGES (in another topic on the forum); I often wonder if ADDers so-call stack UP another’s short comings?

I will check out the other topics and hope to get more insights. Fascinating really… I found out 4 years ago I’m an EMPATH. So I can relate to the AH-HA moments of discovering oneself on this journey.

As a friend of mine says; you’ll never figure IT out. I say, Hmm, maybe, maybe not.

Thanks for listening and offering to respond.

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[trashman]

hi, I think you might find alot of what you are looking for . so welcome and happy reading. these fourms are filled with a lot of anwers.

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[Anonymous]

Hey Rainbow, I will speak for myself and tell you that I am not selfish as a person with ADHD.

First off, so sorry you had that pain in your life.

I am usually the one to end a relationship because I feel that I am the weaker person, and that my partner is better than me, and deserves much better than a mixed up failure, which I have convinced myself I am. I run a business, and a non-profit, and have always been a giver. I think there are many individual personalities, and ADD gives us some traits, but we all handle our lot in a different way.

I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. I really do forget things. It would have to be HUGE, and very painful for me to hold a grudge, and even then, I’m forgiving as I don’t have enough room in my head for that type of negativity. My Grandmother though! She also had ADD, and that woman held a grudge! She used to have notes all over her apartment to remind her of things. One day I found a note in her freezer that said: “Remember, you are mad at Shirley”. Honest to God! Shirley was my Mom (also ADHD). Grandma had several grudges!

Remember, with or without ADD, Mean People are out there!

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[Curlymoe115]

ADD and ADHD are conditions of the brain. However just like people with cancer are different so are we. A lot of ADD people are very creative and we do tend to live in our head, however the fact that she felt that you didn’t live up to her expectations really has more to do with her then you. Is it the fact that she dumped you that has you obsessing over her or the fact that you don’t feel that she was right that you weren’t good enough and you are still trying to prove it. It is really time to move on and find someone that can give you as much as you are willing to give her. Your friend is right and you are never going to get it. Because this is about her not you.

As you read through the site you will find some of the answers to your questions but others will be unique to her. The only way to answer all your questions is to approach her to ask but what will be the gain. But the good thing to come out of your search for answers is that if you ever meet someone else with ADD you will have a better idea of where they are coming from. Good Luck in your future.

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[Anonymous]

Hello Rainbow_2. Thanks for taking the time to investigate and learn more about add and adhd.

I do not feel as though I am selfish or narcissistic in anyway. In fact, I tend to live my life around others. Everything I do is for everyone else. Everything I do not do is for everyone else. But I would not have it any other way. The unfortunate part about this is that everyone else has no idea how much I think about them, worry about them, and consider them in everything I do.

I do not know about the others here, but I feel as though most people think that I am cold, rash, or even mean because of my behaviors such as not being a good listener, interrupting others, always putting my two cents in, and not thinking before speaking….many of my actions are misunderstood and judged, when really I am an emotional wreckage underneath and I am very sensitive, but thanks to my ADD, many people never see the other side of me.

Hope this helps, and enjoy your road to discovery. Good luck.

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[Carrie]

I know I put my husband through A LOT of torment in only 7 years. From alcohol abuse, to drug abuse, verbal abuse, affairs…. Oh my… I always said he was the good one, and I was the bad one in the relationship. Im VERY VERY VERY thankful that he is forgiving, and patient, and for some reason loves me to no end.

With the ADD my temper is short because so many things are rushing through my head I just cant keep up! Then a little thing would set me off and I wouldnt know how to deal with it and then in turn get mad and become verbally abusive towards him or shut down (by spending hours on my PC playing video games). I saw what I was doing, I saw how it hurt him so bad when he didnt deserve and that hurt me A LOT and in turn would make me angrier and worse. I would try to push him away, tell him he should just kick me out. Luckily my husband and I talk about everything. He asked me why I wanted to leave, what he had done, why I wasnt happy with him. I couldnt believe what I was hearing! I didnt realize that he had assumed I was unhappy because of him and he thought I was angry at him. I explained to him that I felt like such a wreck, all I ever did was hurt him and he didnt deserve me, he deserved so much more and that when im angry its NEVER at him, but I didnt know what to do and would get so wound up I would explode or more ofter just shut down because I didnt want to hurt him. I wanted him to kick me out so he wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. NOT because I was selfish and it was all about me, me me! It was the total opposite. I felt he deserved WAY more and shouldnt have to put up with my… well ADD! Now I say I wasnt selfish, but infact I am… But in a different way…

I work in geriatric care (old folks), and while talking to one of the residents who is depressed and lonely she gave me a revelation! I was telling her how being single is so much easier, you dont have to worry about hurting anyone else (because thats all I seemed to do), you could do what you wanted and whenever (keep in mind I felt that no one should have to put up with me, and I didnt deserve anyone with the way I am). Then she looked at me and said. Thats selfish. I didnt understand. But she continued that its selfish to keep myself from others, no im not perfect but I have a lot of good qualities and not to share with others, not to let someone love me, share with me, laugh with me and work through my mistakes and shortcomings was selfish! Boy did that ever open my eyes! Im not as crazy as I used to be thats for sure. I have learned to trust and rely on my husband for many things.

I am very happy to have someone like him. He stuck by my side through the thick and thin. We have had many talks, stayed up late into the night crying together trying to find a way for me to stop being such an “idiot”. Thankfully all my things (alcohol abuse, drugs, affairs) didnt last long (cause I get bored way too quick hahaha) and he forgave me. That showed me that maybe I really am worth something. Maybe im not all that bad. I asked him why he loves me so much when im such a jerk (REALLY BAD PMS hahaha), he says because the moments im my happy, hyper, loving self and his wife, that far outweighs everything else! I have been fortunate enough to actually LEARN from some mistakes, took a long time and a lot of grief, but I did.

I think both partners have to be willing to stick it out, and learn and listen to each other. Will only work if BOTH are willing. Cant do it all by yourself and cant force the other one to do anything. We all learn at our own pace. Plus it hurts to see our own faults, man does it hurt, so many wont ever take the time to search. I HATE the pain, but I know the outcome and how good it is and how much better you feel, and then you laugh about the hard times. Scar is there, but pain is gone. Not all are willing.

Sorry about my ramble off, but I hope it helped not only you, but maybe other ADDers like myself!

And of course this was all before I found out I have ADD, I hope now with treatment I can live to my full potential! Find out who I really am and find that piece to the puzzle that was missing and I felt was somewhere out there!

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[Anonymous]

Hi Rainbow, cool name!

I think (IMO) that sometimes we ADDers can SEEM selfish/narssistic when you look at our behaviors through the lens of an NT (nerotypical, someone without ADD) instead of through the ADD lens.

I myself am guilty of interrupting more than any 6 year old, this is because I feel that if I don’t get the thought out of my head, I will forget. So the impulsivity and forgetfulness of the ADD make me seem rude. I am working SOOOOO hard on curbing this! My poor DH is so patient with me, but I know it drives him batty!

The hyperfocus also leads me to unintentionally yammer about myself or my own interests more than is considered polite. Part of this is the hyperfocus, I just get so into what I am talking about that I can’t break the ‘spell’. Part of it is also my own social akwardness that leads me to stick to ‘safe’ (well known) topics out of fear of looking like a dork.

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[Anonymous]

I myself am guilty of interrupting more than any 6 year old, this is because I feel that if I don’t get the thought out of my head, I will forget. So the impulsivity and forgetfulness of the ADD make me seem rude. I am working SOOOOO hard on curbing this!

I could have written that.

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[Anonymous]

While ADD contributes to our personalities, it does not create them entirely. My best friend, who is the most tolerant person on earth, does say that we tend to be very self- focused. (Her boyfriend, brother and son are also ADD. Poor girl.) Not necessarily selfish or self centered; We honestly care about her and want to be there for her- but we’re so in the moment and such slaves to her train of thought that she can be talking about a problem she’s having and I’ll interrupt her (having unintentionally zoned out two minutes before) to tell her all about the new brand of lipstick that I’ve tried and OMG it’s so moisturizing, has she watched that new show on Animal planet and OMG aren’t gas prices insane? It’s exasperating for her, but she also knows that she can drag me back to the conversation that she needs to be having with me.

As for grudges, no, I don’t hold them unless it’s something huge. My mother in law used my add against me for years, twisting things around, making me doubt experiences and conversations I KNEW we’d had, even lying to my husband about things I’d said, and since my memory is terrible I couldn’t ever be sure she was lying. After eight years of that, plus countless other things she did to damage me and every aspect of my life, I have limited her influence in my life. Not because I’m angry, but because I’m not stupid and I know I need to protect myself. Ok, and because I’m angry. That’s the only grudge I have- because I can’t ever remember if or why I’m mad at someone else. I tend to get angry easily and get over it even more easily. I have a big blow up and five minutes later, I’m fine (although sometimes a little embarrassed.)

I don’t lie, either. Too much work to remember what the lie was and who I told it to.

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[Anonymous]

My ADHD husband is after having lost self esteem in school and thinking of himself as a failure for more than a decade FINALLY all about himself. He has so many dreams and that’s why I don’t see his me-me-me attitude as selfish. And many of his dreams include helping others.

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[Anonymous]

I think my partner would see me as many different things. Yep, he’d say I’m selfish, self-centered, cold and detached. He’d also say I’m loving, sweet, generous, and compassionate. He’d also say I’m bright, creative, and talented; but then there’s forgetful, ditzy, scattered and confused. Over focused, under focused…as a song by Sting goes….”She can be all four seasons in one day”

I know it’s tough for him to live with, it’s tough for me to live with. Some days are great, others horrible. Sometimes I love myself and appreciate all the interesting things that ADHD allows me to do, other days I loathe myself because very simple things perplex me.

I guess to sum it up, I’d say I’m totally inconsistent. He is very linear and I’m like a circle with a ping-pong ball bouncing around inside.

When I’m restless, I find him very boring and get frustrated, yet when I’m calm I’m very grateful that he is so steady.

Sound familiar? In my heart, though I hate to say it, I don’t think I’m cut out for monogamy. Once I have the thing, the person, the car, whatever, I’m thinking of the next thing. I think the hardest part of ADHD for me is the feeling that satisfaction is fleeting…I can’t hold on to it, no matter what I tell myself. This makes me very sad sometimes and I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to live with. He always says that the good outweighs the negative and that I’m worth the trouble, but I don’t think I’d be able to live with me. HA!

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[Anonymous]

Another very cool post. Thank you.

I’m the ADD partner, my wife has her own issues, but thankfully we have been able to tolerate each other’s issue for the most part.

There are periods when things build up. I find that I am very sensitive to certain things like clutter, uncompleted tasks, disorganization and a lack of consistency. Why? Because these things are areas that require a lot of effort from me to maintain, if they are not maintained I lose focus, I’m not able to be as productive and frankly I get flooded by it all and shut down or if I’m ready to deal with it angry when my efforts to get things ‘fixed’ are met with resistance.

After 5 years of dating and 13.5 yrs of marriage my wife just realized that for lack of a more PC way to put it, she was wrong. The clutter, uncompleted tasks, attitude, consistency and disorganization that I see and point out is not about controlling, it is about survival. There are two options when you are in a relationship, ADD or not, get along or get out. If you can not see differences, discuss them and work towards a common goal then you are doomed.

Does my need for neatness and organization make me selfish because I insist that my wife do the same? No. We are in this together, and what she is seeing for the first time is it has been about her-her-her. We ADD’ers grow up being reminded why we are different and that it doesn’t cut it, so when we figure out how to make it work and others undermine that, who is being selfish?

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[Author]

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