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Gorgeous was the thought that came to my head when I first laid my eyes on her. Who would’ve known that I was about to begin my 16-year relationship & roller coaster ride down the rabbit hole. Till this day, I still scratch my head wondering whether this was more of a blessing or a curse. But truth be told, it really balanced out regardless of the feeling of intensity derived from both love and hate.
My journey began in 2003, when I had first met her at her parent’s house during her birthday party. I was a young, seventeen-year old kid who thought he was a hot shot among his friends. Acting tough, thug-like mentality, and maintaining a fuck the world attitude was priority, until I met her. At the time, I had no idea about the symptoms of ADHD. You hear about these disorders and shrug it off like its normal for folks to have something. I mean, how many people in the world have diabetes, cancer, or even a missing limb? There are so many medical issues out there where mental disorders seem to not even come close to physical disabilities. Boy, was I wrong and in for a journey that would take me to the depths of Hades’ mosh pit. On the flip side, the moments that didn’t result from ADHD led to happiness that felt similarly to laying in the Elysian Fields.
“How many times do I have to tell you,” was such a common phrase said from my lips throughout the years. I surprise myself till this very moment on how I was able to cope with such unbearable treatment. Heck, I am very proud of myself for being patient, understanding, and willing on my efforts given to her. We took the same classes in college, had the same jobs, hung out with the same friends, and became best friends. If you were to ask me how close we were, my answer to you would be peanut butter & jelly. Now I might seem to be very judgmental, but I assure you I am quite fair and honest. Back to my analogy, I would be the peanut butter while she was my jelly. My personality is absolutely concrete, as my brain firmly processes my words and actions. She was more so on the jelly side of things, where her personality was fluid and fragile. Gullibility is even a better description when it comes down to the intake of ideas for her. Throughout college, I noticed her struggles with discipline. So I decided to take things into my own hands my completing her essays, tutoring her with math, and eventually training her to interview for jobs. I even went as far as helping her get jobs at the places I worked at, specifically sales gigs. She was a natural at it based on her bright personality, but she never took full throttle of it because of self-doubt. It was something so self-absorbed in the most negative way that her doubts turned into fabrications. Talking about fabrications, I wonder if you, the reader, understand how dangerous fabrications are to both the host and their prey.
Regardless of countless attempts to correct the way something was said offensively, unintentional acts that did me wrong, or the hours of silent treatment received, I truly loved her with every bit of my heart. I loved her so much that I became blind to my own sacrifice of youth, the torment and mistreatment from her family who also have ADHD, that eventually the stress affected my own health. It is now the year of 2020, and I am now 33 years old, while she is 30. We are past our young adult-hood, and at the point where the norm would be to get married and have children. Boy, did we plan on getting married with the possibility of kids for the longest time. Year after year, we started to notice friends and couples who we never dreamed would be married before us actually did. Each time witnesses, I was shell shocked and put into a sense of sadness. What was the reason why I naturally felt not ready to engage with her on our lifetime journey? She had asked me for the longest time on whether I loved her or not. But it was never a question to me, because I knew it in my heart exactly how I felt. I loved her deeply and unconditionally, but the big question mark lingered on. Was the confusion due to a recent discovered truth that she had an affair with my best friend from high school / college for a total of 3 years?? Was it due to her family who only asked favors while never embracing me? Was it due to me constantly being the bigger person and biting my tongue when face to face with a family who portrayed me as a brain washer for helping her with school and the development of her career? Maybe they were all contributing factors, but it wasn’t until just a few months ago I found out about her ADHD. We didn’t even need a proper diagnosis for it, but connecting the dots from researching on it proved itself. The amount of stress from routine fighting, massive blow outs, mental breakdowns, and distorted fabrications even caused a life-threatening medical illness upon me. It had compromised my immune system, where I developed a rare disease that is STILL commonly misdiagnosed from 90% of doctors. They call it Morgellon’s Syndrome, which is very closely linked to Lyme Disease. Heavy traces of bacteria is now attacking my internal body making me fatigued, shortness of breath, increase of skin disorders, and more. Even so, her lack of empathy never showed my pain any remorse. Instead, it only increased her fabrications and overall disorder.
The trend was that he more she spent time with her mom, brother, and sister, the higher her ADHD traits became. At one moment, I would use my entire strength to help her understand the toxicity of being around family members who were also living in fabrication providing her with the wrong type of support. In my opinion, blood may be thick only to mask the underlying truth that there are people in this world who think they do right not knowing their actions are toxic. I will never forget the time when her older sister dis-invited me to her wedding because instead of throwing a fit directly to her, I vented my despair about her materialistic ways in life on my own friends Facebook page who she was not even connected to. Somehow, she and her friend found the comment that had no mention of her name, and banned me from the wedding. You might be thinking that these events were in the past and they probably got over it, as it took place almost 3-4 years ago. But the reality is, her family still holds me accountable for my bad influence to her. They believe that I am the culprit who brain-washed her personality to become aware of her ADHD and other co-existing factors. It was just earlier today, that she once again became influenced from her family that I did her wrong. Instead of fighting for the relationship, my soul whispered to my brain to just let go. 16 years of patience and hope became shattered dreams.
I want all readers to know that loving someone with ADHD is as difficult as it sounds. But don’t ever allow fabrications to win anything over the truth. Fight for it, because ADHD was never something they asked for. I lost this fight because I was outnumbered by a group of folks who know no better than 8th graders. I let go only to save myself from this horrible disease that has been eating me away. My cries for help to her were never heard or retained, which truly created my tears of depression. I will move on with my life knowing that I had lost my love to a mental disorder. Alas, I am broken in pieces that will reflect upon me forever.
I love you Tiffany.
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