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My lifelong mantra of "man-up" just stopped working…

My lifelong mantra of "man-up" just stopped working…2017-01-06T22:35:23+00:00

The Forums Forums I Just Found Out! I Have a Diagnosis, Now What? My lifelong mantra of "man-up" just stopped working…

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    This mental health “stuff” is kind of new to me – well, not new really, I always knew I was “different” – people used to say, “don’t you EVER sit down?!” – “don’t you ever just relax?”  I took that as a compliment… This is the first time in my (hmm… do I say my age?) 50’ish years that I was rendered paralyzed by all going on around me… I’m a survivor – I’ve NEVER not had alot of stress going on around me… Always thought I was strong – could handle anything – had to – no one else was stepping up – 3 yrs ago I was put in intensive care and not allowed to even get out of bed for 4 days for Takosubo – stress induced Cardio issue… almost died that night – you know what?  It felt like heaven to be carried out on a stretcher from my kitchen where my daughter called 911 because I collapsed – twice – first time, I told her DO NOT call 911!  But to be taken care of and given permission to let go was the most wonderful feeling…  Totally recovered, as this does no permanent damage if caught… still I was nose-to-the-ground stubborn – “heck, I don’t need therapy – I’M OKAY!!!”  Finally, this camel’s back was broken in October… I was so stressed, so filled with anxiety, so depressed – I’d never been on anything for any of it and frankly, didn’t want any tags or medicine… but, this time was different… all I could do at this point was be in one room in my house where I created… any other room sent me into panic because of all the unfinished business… ended up rarely leaving the house… finally I sought out help – it’s not fast – it’s not always fun, but, I’m really glad to learn of un-diagnosed ADD in women (and girls).  One Dr. thought I needed Xanax… had a couple of visions on that… another tried two different anti-depressants – they rendered me ZOMBIE like – couldn’t do anything except try to hold onto what little sanity I had  left… I remembered that in my 20’s, I’d done coke on and off for about 2-3 years – it cleared all the fog away – I loved it, but never wanted anything outside of me controlling me so I stopped.  Later, in my 40’s I got Phentermine because I thought I was getting fat (125 lbs – but used to being 110-115) I LOVED how focused I felt – and again fog-less… only mentioning this because it helped to convince my therapist and Primary Care Dr. to let me try Vyvanse…  See, by this time – all I was exhibiting was depression, anxiety, no motivation to do anything but create… I guess I made a good case because they both bought into it and I have my Vyvanse (low dose) 20mg. to begin tomorrow… we shall see… I fell into the habit of self medicating with alcohol (which I was tapering off because I’d be so depressed the next day – but I found I couldn’t handle being alone and sober…) I’m hoping the med. will help me get back to my rigid exercise programs I was doing two years back – also help with getting out of the dang house and seeing people again… fingers crossed… Chasing Rainbows…

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