My pursuit of happiness

[Anonymous]

I am 20 years old, 3rd year engineering student, with a full scholarship (about to lose it), the thing that is considered as an accomplishment for so many people of my society (school, family, friends).

Since my last semester, and the low grades, I decided that I have a problem, and I must find out what it is, and you will find out next how I am definitely not trying to make an excuse for my underachieving.

Through my life, I met many people where I was just amazed by how our “personalities” look alike; we can not focus in class not matter what we try, we can not do homework, we are called daydreamers by almost everyone we know, and those were the subject of most of our conversations.

Two months ago, after my grade were issued, and I got a call from my scholarship donor telling me I am at risk, and I should make up soon, so I decided that I WILL NOT surrender, I HAVE the potential.

I started writing my symptoms on a paper, and surprisingly, knew that my main problem is attention. I did not know whether It is a mental disorder or a physiological disorder, if it is just anxiety or not, but I certainly knew that my chronic depression is just an effect not a cause.

Asking one of my best friends if he knows any psychiatrist or psychotherapist, he replied the next day with a big smile, saying that a friend of him studies psychiatry and told him that I have attention deficit disorder and gave me the names of some psychiatrist who might help. Immediately, went browsing the internet, and it was one of the very few days where joy brought me tears. Now I know what was wrong all these years, and that my pain is gonna end soon.

I went to see a doctor, he made me go through many irrelevant tests, such as a very expensive blood test, an MRI, a neurologist, and went to see a psychotherapist a few times for proper evaluation, to make sure there is no mental background for the symptoms I have, who by the way made me take a personality test (which she never gave me the results), probably just to make me pay more. I have no insurance, no believing parents, just some extra money I put aside for “important days”. I was on my own now.

After a month, the doctor told me well “it seems like you have it, take strattera!” And that was it, it seemed to him like a flu or something, wasn’t he supposed to tell me more about ADD? It was obvious he had no clue about it, he always dismissed my questions and curiosity. Again I was on my own. I bought the very expensive drug, just to give it a try, while I was pretty sure I can not afford it, but as they say, you can not have it all. The drug “fu*ked up” my body, and after a month( I know it usually takes effect in 6-8 weeks), I decided to cut the crap, I can not afford it, my body can not accept it, and I am taking summer courses, where my test marks seem to be so unacceptable, due to my worsening depression day by day. I called the doctor, and after many times not answering my calls, or telling me to call later, he insisted that I should take strattera. In my head it was “FUCK YOU”(excuse me for the bad language).

I went to 2 physicians, the first told me to take vitamins, the second have never heard of the disorder.

I went to a psychiatrist, she told me she can not prescribe a stimulant drug due to unusual procedures in my own fucked up 3rd world country of Lebanon, and plus that, she also had so little information about ADD.

during the last couple of months, I have done a lot of research on that “disorder”. I really want to try another drug. Why is it so hard?

“Why was I born in this piece of shit country!” People, is ritalin and other stimulant drugs that dangerous? I wanna know ! It is very easy in Lebanon to get cannabis and other drugs, and I do not do drugs, but lately I have been considering the use of cannabis since it is proven to have positive effects to ADD. Yes I might go this far and self medicate. But no, I am still trying my best, searching for any specialized doctor or someone with experience who might be able to help me, No I am not giving up, I know that some people might have the same case, so please I need advice.

Excuse me guys for the long story, but I did my best not to go through irrelevant details…oh, and excuse my english.

Best Regards

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