My wife is sick and tired of ME

[Anonymous]

married 23 years. Diagnosed with ADD last year. Learned how ADD affests relationships 6 months ago. I am seeing a shrink. Taking Adderol. and now I’m seeing a coach. Every fe months I F up something and my wife threatens to leave me. She is fed up with me. she says now that I am using ADD a crutch.

Has anyone been here? I need help doing gthe right things to keep my marriage.

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[Anonymous]

Interpersonal dynamic issues are a huge component of ADHD. it is not uncommon for the couple to be the opposite in temperament with one of you being more extroverted and energetic and the other being more introverted and detailed. After more than ten years of marriage, those differences start grinding on each other particularly the wife who often thinks she is holding the house together. if you have ever seen Mrs. Doubtfire, it is not that far from the truth.

Good to know you have a shrink involved. It is important, however, to get both of you working on the marriage. This is not JUST about you but how the two of you interact. She may be reluctant to believe she is part of the equation but getting her involved is necessary. Marital therapy may be a start.

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[Tiddler]

Good luck with this, add22. I really feel for you. My husband is starting to struggle with how chaotic I am, mainly because I’m in a downward spiral at the moment.

However, I agree with Dr J in that there are 2 people involved in the dynamic and it’s not all what you’re doing ‘wrong’. It must be really stressful to be threatened with her leaving when things aren’t going well.

Understanding ADHD has helped my husband understand me. The more he learns the more he tries to come up with solutions to make life easier for us both. He’s taken on way more than his fair share of the household chores for example (and actually started doing that years before the diagnosis.)

He is ‘aspie’, honest, straightforward, likes repetitive tasks, good at day to day stuff, grounded, practical. Finds anything ’emotional’ difficult to navigate and can’t read my mood until I’m laughing or yelling or crying. He needs stability. Won’t consider moving house never mind city.

I am ADHD, impulsive, chaotic, driven, exhausted, love to win a debate, verbally gifted, need to be doing something ‘different’ all the time, good in a crisis. I find monotony intolerable and am constantly trying to drive the family unit ‘forward’.

These differences both cause problems and bring us together.

He keeps me from flying off in the wrong direction and I stop him stagnating.

He keeps the day to day stuff going and I freshen things up, make sure we take a break, don’t get in a rut.

I deal with crisis (though to be fair I cause a lot of them!) and he deals with things I find insufferable (like loading the dishwasher.)

And so on.

What I’m saying is that maybe there are ways of accepting your differences rather than her seeing it as problems and maybe that can turn things around a little?

Good luck.

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[allan wallace]

Tiddler, you’re a hoot and your posts make me chuckle. Interesting how you find that you’re calm in a crisis, even if you’re the cause of it! That resonates with me for it’s probably when I’m at my most rational when all hell is breaking loose around me! It is quite eerie how I find that i’m not just calm, but very calm, when utter pandemonium is erupting around me!

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[allan wallace]

Oh, I forgot, sorry add22, yes, your situation sounds very similar to my mine. I’ve been married for 15 years, and my wife is beyond exasperated at my inability to be like everybody else. I’m as introverted as she is extroverted, and we’re so unlike one another in so many ways. Almost complete opposites one might suggest, but I acknowledge that I’m the one that has the most ‘issues’, and rather than blaming ADHD I’ve just dodged all culpability thus far. I cringe at the suggestion that life situations might mitigate one’s circumstances, and I’m preparing to deal with myself for possibly the first time. One reaches a certain age and habitual stupidity just can’t be stepped around anymore. I’m talking about myself by the way, so please don’t take umbrage! I’m going to endeavour to do whatever I can to understand myself (and my condition) more, not so that I can assign blame to a disorder, but that I might learn how to become the man, husband and father that I’m capable of being, instead of the self-destructive recidivist self-saboteur that I’ve been for way too long! I hope that you are able to navigate your way through your circumstances to a happier place. I’m just beginning that trip myself….

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