Need advice for an out of control totally ADD Family

[Anonymous]

Everyone in my household (Me & my 3kids) has either ADD or ADHD. We are also dealing with the after effects of a difficult divorce .(Is there an easy one?) We are all in shambles and cannot help each other. When I try it seems to make it worse. I am not approaching it right. Any suggestions for getting us to work together so we can support each other instead of adding to each others stress? Are their coaches that work with the whole family?

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[Anonymous]

The first thing I would recommend is for you to take a deep breath and stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, it seems that things are worse, but they may simply need to get worse before they get better. Having been a child with a sibling with ADHD and parents with ADHD I can say this was certainly the case for me.

Now, that being said, the first thing you all need to do is open up the channels of communication as widely as possible between all of you. Be willing to say, “This is really frustrating for me. Can I have a minute and we’ll deal with this when we’re all ready?” or “You’re still mad. Stay here and calm down when you are ready, come and talk to me. I’ll be waiting so we can work this out.” Being able to step back from the anger and the hurt can go a long way. The same goes for celebrating successes when they occur.

When things go wrong, try and use humour to diffuse situations rather than getting defensive. It will show your children positive ways of overcoming difficulties and frustrations in a positive manner.

Set up structure and routines that make sense for everyone. For example, my brother really like vacuuming because it was so loud but he always dropped dishes. The vacuum was too overstimulating for me but I didn’t mind washing the dishes because I could listen to music and just operate on autopilot and have some alone time. Both of these were done right after dinner so it was easy to remember to do them. I folded laundry with mom so we had the chance to talk and my brother helped her bake so he could lick the spoons and whatnot. We tried to make things as painless as possible. Because they were chores or tasks that we chose it gave us a sense of ownership and control and she didn’t have to fight as much. They were also ones we could do without it being too painful.

Also, sometimes you just need a chance to all take a break either together or separately so that everyone can recharge. Forcing yourself and your kids to have the same busy over-scheduled week as every other family with a perfectly tidy house and a solid routine isn’t going to get you anything but frustrated. Take a few moments every once in a while to remind each other that you’re a family and there is a lot of love in that house. It’s that love that will help you all get through this.

These aren’t coaching methods. But these are things that will help. This is a difficult time in your lives and acknowledging that and working together to find ways of getting through it will help.

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[Anonymous]

ABC Mama – hang in there! (And JayBird, it sounds like you would make a great coach!)

I agree that structures, routines, and a sense of humour go a very long way in dealing with an ADD family, and good communication is especially important. If you’re having problems getting them in place, it may be worth getting in touch with a family counselling service in your area for a couple of sessions so that you can get an “outside” view and a fresh starting point for all of you.

I don’t know where you’re from, but you could check with a family doctor, or even the guidance counsellors at your kids’ school for resources in your community.

Regardless of the reasons, divorce is a difficult enough transition on its own; changes in the family dynamic affect everyone involved, and in different ways. (And, no, there is no “easy” divorce.)

It can be challenging for all involved to introduce a new routine; kids can (and will) put up resistance and if you’re the one doing the introducing, you can suddenly become the “bad” guy, adding extra stress to an already stressed environment. If the changes are introduced by an outside source (counsellor), then you get to deflect some of the perceived blame to them. (“Hey, guys, I know this is a new idea for all of us, but XYZ wants us to try it out see how it works.”)

They say that it takes a few weeks before a change becomes “routine” – the tough part is hanging in there for the few weeks!

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