Hello,
I just found out that I have ADD. I have been spending my entire 20’s trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me! Finally, I know. My friend I told was like, “You are actually excited that you have ADD?” Its not that I’m excited that I have it, its that I’m excited that I know I have it. I have tried everything. I guess I’m not a great psych patient because for years now I’ve been going through therapy only to be told that I have PTSD. Maybe I somehow trick the therapist and make myself seem like I don’t have ADD. Who knows. I’ve been working on self improvement heavily for the last couple of years but something was still looming over my head. I guess I’ve hidden my ADD well because I’m extremely successful for my age and have done a lot professionally. But, what people don’t understand is that all of my success comes from insecurity and overdoing myself. I’ve always tried so hard… it seems like for me to achieve something normal I have to work 20 times harder than someone without ADD. I’m very stubborn, so I’ve spent my life working 50 times harder, but I’ve noticed myself just feeling exhausted and depressed lately. I was literally on the verge of suicide for the past month because I just feel like such a burden to myself and everyone around me. I know I annoy the heck out of my husband because I can’t keep the house clean, I start lots of projects and don’t finish them, he thinks I’m inconsiderate. I know socially I have been awkward too because I blurt things out, zone out, etc. while people are talking. During the times in my life where I’ve been most successful, I have had to make myself color coded lists, eat 6 meals of protein meals a day, and exercise a lot. Thats what I mean by having to work harder than normal people to achieve success. I’ve had only a few friends in my life at a time, and they are always friends who think I’m quirky and they love my weirdness. I kinda wish people would like me for just being a normal human being though lol. I’m just so tired of being defensive and fighting with my husband, beating myself up, and feeling worthless. I truly believe God lead me to find out what is wrong with me because of some weird and significant events that inspired me to research the disorder. Its like they wrote the disorder just for me! And its cool to know theres other people out there with the same struggles… not that I wish it on anyone, but now I don’t feel like such a freak. My doctor prescribed me aderrol yesterday and I noticed an effect almost immediately. I cleaned the whole house with no emotion and only a content feeling (which isn’t normal for me). I felt like I could concentrate on the tasks at hand and when my kids would interrupt me, I could go help them and immediately go back to what I was doing. My husband and friend also said that I seem calmer, easier to talk to and more approachable. I feel strange in a good way and happy. I always wondered what it feels like to be an adult woman cause I’ve always felt like a child, even though I’m 28. As mature as I try to be, my brain just doesn’t feel that way. Well, yesterday for the first time in my life I felt that feeling of maturity. And the best thing that happened is I picked up my little girls and looked into their eyes and I felt a connection with them that I’ve never felt before. It was beautiful. When I was cleaning the house, I didn’t feel like I had anymore energy than I normally do, but now the energy was going to a useful place. Before, I would pace back and forth around the house and go outside to smoke lots of cigarettes. I always felt this doomish anxiety feeling in my stomach all the time unless I go for a long run. But the feeling of doom and anxiety tend to come back a half hour after my long run. So I only get 30 minutes of relief and have to work my ass off for that 30 minutes of relief which doesn’t seem fair dang it! Now, I have this medicine. I don’t care about how I used to think about meds or add. I used to reject add as a disorder thinking it was an excuse to be lazy. Little did I realize, I freaking had it all that time! I was in denial I guess. Maybe thats why it went undiagnosed for so long. But if I could have just known back then that life would be so much easier and more enjoyable with this medication, well, then I wouldn’t have wasted a lot of years rotting and being miserable. Now I’m finding out that professional success doesn’t equal happiness or normalcy. I’m just so happy I know whats wrong with me now and that theres a medication that can help me. I thought I’d just share this, maybe some other people could benefit from hearing my story. Thank You.
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