Not yet lost my job, but will get there..

[scatterbrainy]

Hello everyone,

I am a 30 ++ years old doctor from southern europe, who trained in medicine in the UK after earning another couple of degrees with distinction, who currently works as a baby surgeon somewhere ‘up North’. I am pretty sure I have ADD (that is on the side of a cancer and PTSD, for added fun). I could not find a better place where to vent. I know you will understand each and every word, in depth.

So if you don’t mind..here it comes.

I am scared I will end up jobless (…hey,  I almost focussed for 3 sentences, yay!)

Today, I have attended an interview to become a basic science teacher. Needless to say, it went very badly. The feedback is as follows: ‘we felt you could not focus on answering the questions’, and the typical ‘you are intimidating.’ But I am fine with the last one, I AM a scary little lady.

One of my consultants recently told me something he thought of as a compliment, I believe: ‘You know, when I saw you at interview i so didn’t want to hire you cos you are so verbose and in the face. But now I got to know you I’d hire you every day [big smile]!’ Thanks boss, I know, I suck. Love you too.

Not over yet. Previous boss during a gruelling month and a half on call every day (covering for bereaved colleague): ‘You are flapping around the place, running around like a headless chicken, you are stressed, you are unsafe, if you go on like this I’ll have to send you home.’ Thanks boss, truly yours.

Bottom line: I am not progressing in my job. In the past years I have devised all sorts of efficient and inefficient ways of coping with the information overload of a junior medical role, with lists/maps/recipes/cookbooks/cribsheets and my massive half-tonne heavy A4 diary (affectively known as ‘the Office.’) And to be honest with you, I am turning into a pretty good little doctor.

Buy I  cannot possibly get a training number as a surgeon, because I cannot answer a flipping question in 3 sentences. Because I wait to be in front of a panel to beat myself down until I bleed (inside), when I do not interrupt them when they speak or blurt out something they do not want to hear.

This is all despite my degrees, despite the stupid MBBS that places me in the top 2-10% of the Brainy. Despite my love of medicine, all the personal sacrifices I made to contribute with my efforts to (my own enjoyment, I admit) the  health and wellbeing of people.

Now, I might be a totally despicable character, a complete and utter bastard, a retard a scatterbrain a headless chicken a lazy cow and any other challenged farm animal of your choice. But I am, unfortunately, also a person (still, yes) who is struggling to make sense of her situation, and who comes out of any feedback session beaten, and bruised, and hurt and feeling worthless.

I am tired to downsize. I can’t downsize anymore, I have given up on beautiful marks, I have given up on free time so I can study, I have become all methods, checklists and no creativity, completely bridled, if not fettered, because I was deluded it would help my mind not to race.

Yes, I am Our Lady of The Checklist. I even have a checklist for the production of checklists. I really, really thought it would help me to organise my thoughts, streamline my work, and yes..make me come across as a normal, pleasant person one would want to work with.

But I failed. And there is no consolation in ‘it’s not your fault, it’s a society based on mass production that wants us all homologated.’…because ultimately, I -in all my wondrous uniqueness- will have no bread on my table if it goes on like this.

I do not know where to start to make order in this chaos. No one will ever take my condition seriously. Because I have built this very confusing successful character with 3 degrees, amazingly neat and super-organised, who  can’t tidy up her house, or iron, or do her own meds on time, or just talk normally to people, or even come out of the front door equipped simultaneously with keys/wallet/phone/badge.

I am so frustrated. But at this point is clear to me: the world does not like me. I am rejected because I do not conform. I wish I won the lottery. Part of it would be for charity, the rest would be to sponsor a hospital to make me work. I just want to do my work. Nothing else.

Can any of you give me a word of advice? How can I launch into a total personality overhaul at my age? I just don’t want to be me anymore. Can I ever be normal?

A hug to all of you.

 

 

 

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[blackdog]

@Scatterbrainy

1) You need to get a diagnosis. It might not be ADD, especially if your problems started in adulthood, or after whatever caused the PTSD.

2) Why did you interview for a teaching position? It seems like a step down from being a surgeon. Is it because you are finding your work too stressful and need a change? Or is it because you really want to teach?

3) What makes you think no one will ever take your condition seriously? ADHD/ADD is a recognized disability in most parts of the world now. There are many hold outs in the medical community who still refuse to believe, but it should be possible to find some who will take it seriously.

4) Why would you want to be normal?

******

You need to reduce your stress level and anxiety as much as possible for starters. Stress, as I’m sure you know as a doctor, has an enormous impact on mental function. Try some relaxation techniques for starters. Maybe see a psychiatrist or counsellor, if you don’t already.  Talk to your colleagues and explain what’s happening, if that is possible.

Diet, exercise, sleep, drinking plenty of water etc. is also very important. Again, this is something that you already know.

You could try medication. But you need a proper diagnosis first.

You don’t need to change your whole personality. You just need to learn how to project the right image when necessary. You know people think you are intimidating, loud, in your face etc. So work on not being that way. Make a conscious effort to smile, speak more softly, use more positive language.

Also, don’t assume the world does not like you. We ADDers have a habit of assuming the worst and only seeing the negative side of things. It might not be as bad as you think it is.

Since surgeons are not usually known for their winning personalities and people skills, I would think you would fit right in. Most surgeons I have ever met have been a little quirky, to say the least. But it sounds like maybe you are finding that the job is not a good fit for you, despite having the skill to do it. So it might be best to consider some alternatives. With the training you have there should be lots of options. I’m only guessing, I have no idea.

And I’m out of advice for tonight.

 

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[scatterbrainy]

Hi Blackdog,
thank you for your advice. I found it very soothing actually. And It’s given me a few important points to ponder upon for my personal professional portfolio. And possibly a war plan. See what you think.

1) After a frank chat with mum dad and sister, we all agreed that the roots of my behaviour are historical. We collated a thread of events that made us all suspicious of ADD (in me, uncle and cousin). Traditionally, in my home country, ADHD has been used to describe the far end of the autistic spectrum with hyperkineticism, so it was difficult to consider that for us before now.

2) I went for an anatomy demonstratorship post, because you can imagine how much i can struggle concentrating on study after a 12 hours day at work, and I still need to study basic sciences for my board exams. Plus, I could have used a more regular lifestyle to have a baby (you can’t be around op theatres with a growing bump cos of the xray machines).

3)I will not get taken seriously because I am high functioning and the member of a respected profession in which hiding any learning difficulty/mental health issue is imperative. It is too scary. It gets denied. As a child teachers and supervisors have always been reluctant to discipline me (having to, nonetheless) because my father is a respected member of a very small community in a very corrupt country.
My colleagues meet my worries with either disbelief or anger. Don’t blame them: they battle their own demons and hidden sense of fragility/inadequacy (Except for one…and i will be operating for him tomorrow..let’s see what comes out of those in between cases chat..)

4) I would be very happy to be myself. I don’t even believe in ‘normal’. It just simply does not exist. But unfortunately It’s been invented by some very clever educationalist with no grasp of reality. So now I have to pass as ‘normal/standard/whatever’in order to retain a job and progress. Never been normal. Never wanted to be. takes away all the fun out of my life.

THE WAR PLAN
1) Speak to my (very ignorant) GP and try to make him understand how organisationally miserable my life has always been.
2) Speak to a psychiatry colleague and see what he thinks
3) Speak to the consultant I am operating with tomorrow (who is the hero who said he’d hire me anyday btw)
4) Book any other job interview that pops on nhsjobs. At the end of such a gruelling exercise I will probably understand what it is expected of me.
5) Stop being one of the lads, hang around with proper ladies and emulate them.

Ok, Project My Fair Lady starts now.
I’ll let you know how it goes, cos I know I’ll stumble, fall and suffer. I will need some perspective every now and then.

Big hug to all.
SBx

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