Now I Know Why —

[Anonymous]

Well, I could add a whole list of things to that “now I know why.” I chanced upon a presentation of Dr. Jain, Rick Green and Patrick McKenna on the public education channel here today and sat riveted for over an hour, without channel surfing, as they explained adult ADD. Wow, I thought, that’s totally me! Now, in addition being an undiagnosed “Aspie,” I find I have Adult ADD, which is actually a relief, because “now I know why.”

In my case, I have a lifelong list of unfinished projects, craft projects, writing projects, side business start-ups never followed to completion, unfulfilled career dreams. I’ve dropped out of regular college twice, dropped out of a total of six online college programs. In 2009 my compulsive shopping and spending finally drove me to bankruptcy, I lost the full-time job I was working to supplement my retirement income (and my compulsive spending), lost my vehicle and have been limping around for the past year selling part-time on eBay and trying to get an arts and craft enterprise going, which could probably be successful IF I could just focus and get something done during the day! Now, here I am on the computer typing away instead of “working.” The one positive in my life was that I had a great 20+ year marriage to a wonderfully patient, but somewhat domineering partner, who passed away from diabetic complications over a decade ago. I have to say that he kept me focused quite a bit, boosted my low self-esteem with constant praise and always believed that I could accomplish anything I set about to do. But, gosh, how exhausting I must have been to have as a partner! He was a bundle of energy and, looking back, I suspect that he had ADHD himself, so maybe we kept each other focused! LOL! In the end, his compulsive eating, neglect of his personal health and living his life fast and hard caused an early death and I, frankly, have been lost ever since without the one person who could keep me focused in life.

I just don’t feel that at my age an official diagnosis of either ADD or Asperger’s is going to help me at this point, except to verify what I already know. My family’s pat response has always been “oh, there’s nothing wrong with you, you just need to pay more attention to what’s going on around you.” But as I said in another post, I think one reason families are often in denial is that they somehow think acknowledging that a family member has a cognitive disorder of any kind is somehow a reflection on them or that they may somehow “have” it too. I’m just hoping that many of the things I’ll learn here will help me to focus so that I can accomplish some things I want to do and maybe become that artist and writer that I’ve never quite been able to be. Unfortunately, I’m extremely sensitive to prescription drugs. So, being a “sometimes” Buddhist practitioner, I’ve made a decision use a combination of Reiki energy healing (another training program I finished three-quarters of, but never completed), affirmations and walking meditation (since regular meditation is impossible for me to do for more than five minutes at a time – “now I know why”) to try and help me focus better and repair my self-esteem, which at this point in time is almost non-existent.

Good luck to everyone here on this journey, because it is a journey! I think in a lot of ways we are lucky because we have the ability to shift our attention to do so many things and therefore become experts at so many thing if we just learn to focus a little bit! I suspect that a lot of our famous innovators, thinkers and artists have or had ADD. Not to compare myself in any way to them, but at least I think we are in good company! At the least, I don’t think we are ever boring people!

All the best to everyone here,

Mish

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[Anonymous]

Nice to have that light turn on, eh! Happened for me almost a week ago too. I’ll be candid and give you my age (41) and I’m going to get in and see my Dr asap. I’ve been fighting to either make my marriage work or destroy it for the last 13 years, dealing with insomnia, depression, anxiety………it’s the typical list for middle age syndrome, or SADD, or not enough exercise, so the Family Dr sent me to see a psychologist who diagnosed depression, prescribed Prozac which I took until I was fed up with getting fat and having no libido. Went dry for a year and kids came along, then winter, then a bunch of different meds for depression that had all sorts of side effects some even helped the depression. That lasted a couple years, then Wellbutrin and it’s issues, and back to SSRI then on to Ciprelax. AHHHH. The Ciprelax has helped my mood, I’m more consistent if I give myself lot os reminders. But the forgetfulness, inability to enjoy quiet time, time sitting and talking with others, and all these other issues are still there which add up to periods when I can’t contain the frustration, or focus on jobs I need to get done, or simply spending time playing a game with the kids. All of these issues are side effects of the larger issue AD/HD. By getting in and seeing the Dr we (the Dr and I) can determine if changes in life style and cognitive behaviour work and coaching would be enough to manage the symptoms or if a more direct approach, using medication would be better. The happiness that I am sort of able to enjoy taking Ciprelax come at a price. Sure I feel more happy and in control of my emotional state, but I’ve got ZERO libido on top of all that other stuff that it doesn’t help me with. In this case I need to make a change regardless of any other issues, knowing that there might be a better path to a happier life makes it worth the journey. At least for me it’s better than just coping with how frustrating it is to be so confused about why I am who I am and the isolation that has created.

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