People pleasing/being overly sensitive

[phoenixmagicgirl]

I’ll admit that I’m a huge people pleaser and I’ve found out through my job that its becoming a very bad quality to have. I work as a busser in a restaurant. My boss pointed out to me that I need to learn to say no, but in a polite way. (I found out the hard way that saying it not as nicely people get angry…call me nieve).  What are some strategies that have worked for others?

 

I wasn’t sure where to put this next question, but has anyone else had a problem with being overly sensitive to what others say or how they act toward you..in terms of reading others emotions?

 

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[pigmonkey]

as to being sensitive, I have a couple of ways to deal with these problems, first I adopted this point of view with most people.  “do not equate to malice what can adequately be explained by ignorance.”  or generally, people aren’t mean they’re stupid.  I find that makes it far easier for me to feel sympathy for them than anger.

Also if someone says something and you take it badly say it back to your self in your head but this time hear it like they were saying it with helium, high a squeaky.  If it is still really offensive and not funny or silly then you probably have a reason to be angry.

as for pleasing others, that is a fine balance.  Saying No with confidence is something rare I find.  Saying no is not a bad thing, usually all it is is knowing your time commitments and accurately estimating your time to do those commitments.  If you dont have the time you dont have the time.

If you dont want to do something because you dont want to, that is good too.  I find most people say that it is refreshing to have some one say ‘no’, most people say ‘yes’ but never follow through cause they want to avoid guilt or a conflict.  By saying ‘no’ you are being the most respectful of other peoples time.

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[trashman]

Its like smelling blood , and knowing I am a softy and hard time saying no. now I get to the point where someone is tying to take advantage of my good nature, I go from helpful to very angry in on easy emotion. I can’t stop myself. so I go from being helpful to angry and running off at the mouth to uncontrolled anger with defiance and threats. I don’t like that person , but to be fair I don’t like much about me anyway.

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[Patte Rosebank]

I smile, a lot.  Warmly and sincerely, with eyes a-twinkle.  Sometimes, I even have a hint of a laugh in my voice, and I phrase things almost like one-liners, because I’m so open to finding the funny side of situations.  People compliment me on my smile and my bubbliness, all the time.

They don’t realize the evil genius behind the smile.

First of all, it’s true that smiling sincerely all the time really does help to lift your mood.

Second (and here’s the evil part), when you’re smiling and bubbly all the time, people feel you’re someone they can trust.  They consider you a friend, even if you’ve only just met them.  This makes them lower their guard, so you can sometimes get away with saying or doing something that would ordinarily provoke a negative response in them.  But, because you’re always smiling sincerely, people don’t pick up on the malice behind the words.

Remember, communication is 10% verbal, and 90% non-verbal.  When said with a smile and a hint of a laugh, even something like, “Are you kidding?  Absolutely not, you naughty person!” comes across as friendly banter.

But you have to smile sincerely, with your eyes.  Otherwise, your smile will be as creepy and fake as the ones you see on televangelists and politicians.

You must be sincere.  And if you can fake that, you’re in!

 

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[Robbo]

I think we’re always better off being as honest as we can possibly be. I’m a man, and this is what works best for me.

I don’t get to play silly little games with people. This is not to say that I have never done so. It’s just that when I have played silly games with other peoples hearts. I end up getting hurt in the end. Some way, some how. In the end, if I’m not as absolutely honest as I can be. And I knowingly and intentionally mislead people. I will get hurt at some point in the near future.

We do indeed reap what we sew. It’s guaranteed my friends.

Later, I’ve got more to say on this subject. I’m working on it. I’ve also learned by coming to this web site, and many other places that I study in my life. That I should really just take my sweet time when talking about human relationships.

Easy does it. Easy… does it each and every time. Nice and simple.

I’m living proof that going into any relationship in a hurry is just plain silly, foolish. And asking for deep deep doo doo.

Thank you.

Please drive to the next window…

R-

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