The Forums Forums Ask The Community please elaborate, Dr. J

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  • veronica
    Member
    #88197 |

    you wrote in a thread about jobs and people with adhd…..”know one of the most important components of a successful workplace is the relationship with the boss. A firm but encouraging boss that clearly has ability and can be respected works well. I know many examples where the ADDer, in that situation, rises well above what is expected. When they feel wanted they have tremendous loyalty. However, if you lose respect for your boss, it is well, like losing respect for your parent…….just don’t care.”

    this struck a cord with me. my husband is always wondering why i can not be successful at home as i am at work… and i believe it’s because i’ve lost respect for him. i feel as though i just don’t care anymore to please him. to make him feel or see that i’m truly trying….

    for the most part, i’ve messed up really bad. i have continually done things that are not good for our relationship. we argue (sometimes for weeks), come to a place where we are both calm and finally either forget and sweep it under the rug, or just let it sit and seep. but i hadn’t learned my lesson in the past. and many times i would repeat the behavior.

    he erupts. shows anger and frustration as why i just can’t learn from my mistakes. and instead of answers, i shut down. i refuse to talk and he stands or sits, talking and talking and talking…. and the emotions he’s feeling just build and build. again, no resolution. however, at this point i have not repeated the behaviors. really only b/c i don’t want to see him explode. to this day, i really don’t have a clue as to why he so angry with SOME of the things that i do. and a good majority of those things, he still brings up giving the impression that he’s not let go of them, even when he insists he has.

    so he’s frustrated. i’m annoyed and sad. and the cycle continues and continues. and in all of this, he decides to retaliate by secluding himself. not helping around the house or with the kids. when i ask him to help, he’ll respond with “when you give me what i want, i’ll give you what you want”. what he wants is to be “in my head”. he wants me to open up to him and be honest about things that i’m still trying to work through. but i don’t want to open up to him, b/c i honestly can’t remember if he was ever been encouraging. and all that i can concentrate on now is his anger and frustration with me, which is not conducive to open communication.

    i want to be respectful to him and have his respect back. what do you tell people that come to your office with this problem? we’re at a cross roads. he’s having to deal with my last years of hell i’ve put him through, be patient with my learning of new meds, focus & routines and still stay positive.

    i feel the urge to help him and am saddened that i can’t, b/c i still have issues and things i have to get through for myself. if you can offer direction i would be really grateful.

    thank you!

    ~v

    veronica
    Member
    #92260 |

    bump… anyone can give their input.

    we’re communicating more. i just have to stay focused on the goal. that’s my problem…. i get all “childish” when things become too much work for me. i am seriously going to through some major introspection. it’s tough, but nice. hubby and i both agree, baggage sucks. hahahahaha

    good luck to everyone on here. and thanks to the ones that have answered my Q’s.

    peace!

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    #92261 |

    First of all, emotions can occur quickly without cause and wildly explode. Emotions typically occur out of fear so the first step is SAFETY. Do whatever it takes to feel safe. If this means STOPPING the engagement of talking, do this and come back only when it is safe. When this happens, and both parties respect the need for safety, now you can TRUST. From trust leads to communication. From communication leads to real solidarity and commitment.

    OK, work on Safety first. Do you feel like your buttons are going to be yanked and if so, why are your buttons so exposed. Here is where a therapist can help explain your button vulnerability and that means going into your past.

    Robbo
    Member
    #92262 |

    Wow, that’s great advice. I’ve just been surfin around and found this old topic. (sorta having relationship struggles too)

    Better communication in written form has been a aggravating struggle for me as long as I can remember. Thanks for making it look easy here Dr. J. It’s lucky I found this.

    It’s difficult to accept that not everyone is going to accept me as I am here. The stuff about safety and trust are so much more complicated and difficult on the Internet.

    I’ll make it one of my goals to be succinct, clear and helpful without tons of words.

    Thansk for asking the Q Veronica.

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    #92263 |

    Robbo, we’re just a slice of the real world, with our own flavour of quirks and idiosyncracies. If I’ve offended you, I apologise. I have a personal learning issue, I can’t read long posts, doesn’t mean I don’t care about what you write, it’s just really hard for me, I lack the attention span to wait to get to the point. I also have limited time, and want to read everything, so I tend to skip around and sometimes I don’t get back to a post if it drifts off my profile list.

    Having said that, I have the problem of long post writing at times too. It’s hard not to do that, it’s often a dump of energy or frustration (we are tolerant of vents here, no problem). But as I get more familiar with my brain and mind and how it works, I hold out some hope that this will change. Don’t sweat it. Many of us have this problem.

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    #92264 |

    That was very helpful Dr. J.

    I have a terrible time with anxiety and my emotions just blowing up

    .

    Working to learn self control … boundaries ..

    Thanks

    kc5jck
    Participant
    #92265 |

    No-dope, next time you write a long post, end it with something like “And then the duck puffed up really big and said ‘MOO.’ It was soooo funny.” Those who skipped over what you wrote will then go back and carefully re-read to see if they missed a joke in it somewhere.

    trashman
    Member
    #92266 |

    that is a good one KC, I,.

    Anonymous
    Inactive
    #92267 |

    kc, thanks, excellent idea, now I understand the hippo joke, i think.

    Scattybird
    Participant
    #92268 |

    Robbo – I like the old posts you’re finding. It’s a shame for them to be lost in the past because they are useful and relevant so well done for finding them. I don’t have the patience to seek them out myself but I find them useful so that’s great.

    Your body building squirrel is really clever by the way.

    …….So then the caterpillar laughed and said “did the bird REALLY do THAT?”

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