Problems with relationship, How do ya'll deal with them?

[Anonymous]

I have been having problems with relationships forever. I never had a relationship last longer than two months. I don’t date much and have had mostly bad endings (2 Cheated, 1 was married and I didn’t know it, and the rest I didn’t know what to do so they left). I’m a very traditional 21 year old southern gentleman, I’m currently struggling now with one of the best relationships I’ve ever been in, shes sweet polite kind understanding. She’s everything I want in a relationship. The first two weeks we started talking was awesome, we texted each other everyday and called most of the time. Once the third week hit it went downhill quick, the texting went from everyday to approx. once every three days, I get worried, when we do talk she sounds depressed which is making me even more depressed. The stuff that is running through my mind is trumendous I don’t know to deal with it. What do ya’ll do to calm your mind in a relationship that takes your mind off of stuff like this because I don’t want to resort back to weed.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I’m having almost the exact same issue! I was diagnosed with adult ADD a few years ago but just began educating myself a bit more recently. I have had about 4-5 relationships this year alone! Very intense physically and emotionally, men go nuts when they meet me. I always hear “How are you still single?” for the first two weeks and then they find out! I’ve been dating a very busy doctor for the last two months and have been feeling inadequate and often forgotten about. I just told him I was ADD and tried to explain to him my different needs. That didn’t go very well. I solve all my relationship problems by physical means or by breaking up with them, but I don’t want to have the same pattern. My issue is it is hard for me to tell how well my relationship is progressing since I have never felt like I knew what a “real” relationship felt like.

I also can’t tell if its time to leave or not because a man may tell me everything is ok, but I always suspect he is appeasing me because he wants to continue the physical reationship while contributing as little as possible to the emotional part of the relationship. Im a naturally sensual person and tend to attract the wrong attention when Im just looking for love.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Unlike what could be typical ADD behavior, I have been involved with a woman for 10 years and we want to settle down and get married. There are some issues as to why we can’t be together right now, but I can say this.

As a result of some recent things, I know that this is the year that I have to finally get a handle on my ADD. I hurt the one I truly love and need to seek some guidance. This was not physical in nature as it was more emotional. She knows I have ADD. I threw my arms up at the situation we had and I left without saying anything but leaving a note. I couldn’t take the situation in was in. This was a couple of months ago.

Since then I have had a chance to reflect on what happened. This and watching the special on PBS has finally given me a chance to do something that has kept me from living a much better life. Perhaps I will get her back too.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. app 2 yrs ago at age 46 yrs old (young). Been married and divorced twice. Both marriages / relationships lasted about 7+ years. I have been in other relationships some deep others not so much. I wish this site was here 20 years ago…. ok in my case (40 lol). I have learned more from this sight than any other resource. Funny I suspected and new I had the symptoms of ADHD but I unforunately leaned on heavily and relied on my significant others to the point of becoming dependent on them Instead of fixing Nooo learning to work with what I was dealt with in life. My second spouse (Psyche RN) really took advantage of me and really destroyed me as she knew I had issues but used me for the skills I had to her advantage (Yep we had started a business, bought and sold multiple homes and I greatly assisted with the raising of our children and helped her through nursing school)………. SHE then did her famous legal mumbo jumbo on me. YEP she did it to her first spouse too and even told me! (Nope I never sighned the deeds as I thought she took care of everything for ” both of us” as I thought your partner in a marriage would (UGHHH) She then stressed me out on false accusations that of course were never proven took my dignity away and hooked up with a culturaly diverse Surgeon. (I kinda feel sorry for him) I would like to say…..” Lesson learned” but only time will tell……. Truth is exactly that time…………. T E A M W O R K and time……. Do not rush into marriage……… Yes U can fall in love but at the end of every day make sure you are ok with you. If you are not 100% comfortable then remember DO NOT JUMP… There are many good Men and Woman out there even for those like us with ADD………. I have a lot to give… many good things and I would give more of myself to another than most others would. But remember you deserve to get things back. It might be understanding, support, truth, tenderness, smile and gentle touch. Whatever it is remember most of us want a relationship to last a lifetime not just for the quick moment (YIKES!) (Tough for me as I like and thrive on instant gratification and never really plan things out completely!) . PLEASE all of You ADD’rs You come first If you are not in a good place then you risk putting yourself or others around you in the cross hairs of unintentional harm or failure. It seems to be a constant theme amongst us ADDr’s. Please find a support team. Be honest to yourself and those in that group. BREATHE… NO it is not easy ……. But for you and those that you love around you I hope you accept the diagnosis of ADD wrap your arms around it embrace it for what it is. As far as treatment whether counselling, medication or etc. It is about YOU then I truly believe the “other” beings and/or things in life that are really true to you will come your way.

Lastly,

THANK YOU !!!! “Totally ADD” for this SIte and all it’s contents. It is truly exceptional. I will be a regular visitor and contributor as sharing all that there is to share regarding ADHD can only help the millions that may struggle horribly with this disease for only the lack of communication, information and education regarding “IT”.

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

REPORT ABUSE

[MarkJ]

Its hard. I have to say, I myself have not figured out how to deal with relationships. Other than the high school sweet heart (years ago), I’ve never had a relationship that has lasted more than a short time. I’ve just been diagnosed ADHD this past year. And as I look back, I can see more clearly how the few relationships I’ve had over the past 10 years have failed. But what bothers me more, is how I avoid and fear new relationships with women now. Its almost as if it’s just too much trouble and pain. It’s getting worse. I’m starting to sound like George McFly from Back to the Future….. “I don’t know that I can take that kind of rejection.” eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh…. (that’s the McFly laugh)

It’s not that I’m totally uncomfortable around women, but if I get the slightest hint that a girl likes me….I literally run and hide. And forget picking up a girl. I have issues with flirting. Its hard to flirt naturally and effortlessly. It always comes out punchie and creepy. And I see now that I also miss read cues. As I think back over my (laughable) love career, I can’t even count how many times I would muster enough courage, ignoring all the fears, and man up to approach a woman who I though was flirting or sending signals, only to find out that I miss read everything. Only to have it blow up in my face. It leaves me embarrassed, hurt, confused and less willing to take that chance again. Its the pits! But, at least its not a mystery any longer. That was the super pits!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

I hear you.

I’m still trying to figure out if the problems I have in relationships are my fault, or if I just pick the wrong guys, or if it’s a combination of the two. I don’t know when to say “This isn’t working” and leave it, and move on. I don’t know how to “date”, I only know how to have dysfunctional relationships that go on and on and on until the last dog is dead.

To make matters worse, I always pick people that are more appealing to my friends in the long run, than they are to me. Then I feel really guilty breaking up with the person, because everybody grows attached, and I know they’ll get upset.

I never feel qualified to say “this sucks”. I always feel like I’m complaining about nothing…

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Hi folks….. I have posted a few items about relationships in other parts of this site. But….. I feel compelled to post yet again. Funny but people and relationship issues are germane to more than people whose brain functions in the ADD model. People of all walks of life find difficulty in maintaining a relationship….with themselves and others.. Please this is not dismissive!!!! I am not attempting to minimize anybody’s personal relationship issues in any way. This is a sharing only……my life experience.

I am 60, I am right brained (what they call ADD). have been for years and years and years…and I’ve been married to the same left brain person for over 35 years. Been there done that!! Life in a relationship has not been all rosy…to say the least. We had our problems… there was a time (long time) when things were more than difficult.

I went to see a counselor…. I stayed with him for about three years….it was wonderful!!! As I said previously I have posted at length on this very subject…so I won’t go into detail here again…if you are truly interested and motivated you can find my life experiences in other threads. What I will share is this we come into this world with no skills, no tools of any sort. The tools you acquire… the majority of social and interpersonal skills we gain….. we gain from our parents, they from their parents and so on……you get the picture. That is not an opinion, it is factual!!

Tools handed down generation to generation might be fine….. if the preceding generation was healthy, and well adjusted, and interpersonal communication was on the money, that is those discussions were common in your house…..likely not…….or if there were issues they too are handed down from generation to generation. That can be problematic going forward. Also the world and our social environment has changed from those days. The tools tradesmen used in the 1950s and 60s although great tools in their day are not always relevant today and for today’s tasks. old tools, out dated tools…no tools at all….is it a wonder we struggle????

Sooo….. I ask this question… how many people prepare for their relationship(s)….check the validity of the tools they have in their tool bag before entering into the most important relationship of their life??? Chances are most people spend more time preparing for their drivers test than life’s relationship test!!! I only say this because I have discussed this issue with a great many people and they almost all say the same thing……… they didn’t do anything to prepare. Just wing it???

So for me…. I went to see a counselor…… life was not working well at all. I went because I knew she was making me crazy!!! I stayed… for me. it was the best thing I ever did…EVER!!! What I have learned over time spilled over beyond my relationship….. guided me through child rearing, and is a general life guide that pleases me everyday!! Great tools make our chances of success on a job much higher!!!!

Yup 60, still married, two grown children that are wonderful, both ADD, both great and doing fine… I was able to bring things to the table for them that I never ever would have been able to do without having spent time with my guide. My counsel never advised me they just helped clearly see who I really was… how i really thought about things, what was important to me, and how communicate.

There is more (much more) on this issue as I said in various posts in this web…… if you are truly interested maybe there is something there for you??? I found no matter how intelligent I was/am…how much I thought I knew….. I was really stumbling around in the dark!!

toofat

REPORT ABUSE

[Curlymoe115]

Remember that “love” only lasts a few weeks or months. After that you are just in love. Things get comfortable and a little stale and for people with ADHD this is when we are holding on in a death grip because we so invest in this that even if it is not working and our brain tells us it is time to go we wrestle our emotions to the ground until we bury it so deep that we never knew we had serious doubts. Well I have been married for 21 years. Let me tell you we fall in and out of “love” with one another but we genuinely enjoy each others company and we laugh at each others jokes that we are still together. Don’t try to force the relationship, if it is meant to happen it will unfold naturally. The greatest indicator of a good relationship is if you have a lot in common. So if you and this girl have a lot of shared interests then you are bound to be doing things together. If not then this relationship is doomed if you do not develop an interest in her things or her in yours. Because then you are always doing things separately, and then you start to turn toward the next “love”.

But for people with ADD or ADHD this is the part where we struggle the most. For the most part we don’t have natural social filters so we are always unsure about how people really view us. Don’t fake interest in her and don’t try to force her to continue to be with you if she shows an interest in getting away. Nothing worse then looking so desperate that you try to morph into her ideal so that you can maintain this relationship. Then you end up angry and bitter when it fails. And remember that you were okay before this person came into your life and you will be okay after this person is gone. You are the best thing that ever happened to you and nothing is sexier to someone else then someone that is confident. Love yourself and find the good in you and then it will help you to develop relationships with people based on what you like to do even if you think people are going to think you are a loser for enjoying it. There are billions of people in the world and somewhere there is someone that enjoys doing what you do. And with the web this makes everyone your neighbour. And as a added comfort people in their nineties still fall in love and get married. So you are never too old to fall in love and you never know when you will find the “one” or “one hundred”.

REPORT ABUSE

[billd]

One thing that seems to go along with ADD in a lot of cases, and Patrick spelled it out in their documentary – “you have a problem and we’ll tell you about it”.

“We” tend to be critical – if there’s something wrong, or you do something wrong (we perceive as wrong) we’re going to let you know all about it, often in detail.

So, keep in mind that unless that other person does something REALLY wrong- maybe something risky to health or life, then it might be ok to talk about, but otherwise if it’s a little thing that in the big picture is probably meaningless, drop it, don’t even mention it. Grit your teeth and get over it. Remembering the “Golden Rule” might help. Does anyone really want to be picked apart? If you think you are about to let them know of their mistakes or problems, take a deep breath and really think hard about it, maybe go for a walk or use some distraction (that shouldn’t be hard! HA)

I found that aspect about myself long before any thoughts of ADD when I was going through separation/divorce – that was brought up how I always was critical of how things were done during couple counseling. Now at least I have an explanation, and seem to be more aware of it, and hope to have it under some sort of control.

Patrick described me to a T in that show. I’ll let you know about any problems you have!

REPORT ABUSE

[Anonymous]

Well billd I have to agree…… it may just be our analytical mind that seems to be a strength and a vulnerability as well!!! I would think (for myself ) that constant analysis or criticism , interrupting, talking over, in a relationship would be anything but solid building blocks!!!

True-ism…… sometimes people or partners just want to talk….it is the other partners job to simply listen. I know the the active brain really is driven to interject and solve…….. but……. listening really listening… allows the other person to sort their thoughts and more often than not allows them to sort through and come up with a solution on their own. Listening I have found brings a closeness and intimacy to any relationship….even work related.

Sidebar…. for those people who have issues following direction “active listening” is a great tool. At some point “active listening” requires the listener to repeat back to the person talking ( a condensed version) of the speakers words…. repeat back what they just heard and ask the speaker for confirmation!! This process cements the message in the listeners head and… provides positive feedback to the speaker that they are being heard!! Great tool for relationships and work the environment.

There are many articles on “Active Listening” which may assist active brain people in conversation and relationships. I have found it very valuable throughout my life in my social, partner and particularly parenting roles. It is a neat tool that focuses me in on the conversation and requires me to be active but KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT for the most part…… hahahahahaha!!! A valuable skill indeed!!

toofat

REPORT ABUSE

[Author]

Posts