Quick Sand

[Anonymous]

If you’ve ever seen the movie The Replacements, there is this scene where Shane Falco talks about his biggest fear. His biggest fear is quicksand. One thing goes wrong and then another and then another. Until he is in over his head.

I have these moments and I like to think of them like quick sand but they tend to happen after I have missed something. I feel completely helpless. I feel shame. They have happened my entire life and I could never come up with an explanation. In school, they might get me detention or a bad grade. In adulthood, they can cost me more: my job.

I was diagnosed as having ADD when I was three. From about three until age 15, I was on every imaginable medicine there was at the time. And I hated it. They rarely worked for me. Now, I take Adderall and Prozac but still I feel helpless. I was on Welbutrin recently but it has made those moments worse. I am being suspended one day this week for making a bad decision and I even noticed there have been a lot of things I have not been doing I should have been.

I told my boss back in March about my ADD and she asked if I was doing something about it. I said yes. And I was and am.

Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world. My parents raised me to never think of my ADD as something to be victimized by. I just had to work a little harder. My situation is one where we have a three person office and only two people really work. That’s tough. I am not lazy and I do work hard. It is easy to see this as being put in a hard situation but frankly that just feels like playing the victim.

But with ADD working hard is not enough. I have to be able to remember everything and be able to balance many things at once. No matter what job I am in I would need to do that. And now it feels like that will never happen. My mom always tells me I need to make the effort. I just feel like I cannot get out of the quick sand.

Any thoughts?

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[g.laiya]

i recently put together a notebook with a “filler” of daily scheduler sheets, a pocket folder for smaller important items/documents to keep handy/easy to find, as well as blank sheets where i can jot down ideas/thoughts/need to do/need to buy/need to investigate,etc.

i’ve been making use of the multiple alarms on my phone(though i ran out already, so need to re-work those and/or get another alarm system) and also using the calendar with reminders on the phone.

i’m going to write my daily affirmations in the beginning of the notebook so every time i open it it i’ll be reminded of the kind of person i want to be – the best “me” i can be. i was diagnosed relatively recently (in july, at almost 48 yo). it’s been quite a trip since the initial “ahaa!” moment, and starting treatment. i guess i’m now coming to terms with that, although meds have made a huge impact, i still will probably always need to use these crutches/ aides, i’ll still struggle more with some things than a “typical”/non-add person would…..and it’s ok.

last few weeks were especially horrible for me, i mean one thing after another, on and on.. on top of loads of external stressors, i kept making mistakes, forgetting to do things, feeling stuck in quicksand – so, yes, i’m familiar with the feeling. won’t go into details now, but major overwhelm/stress/depression/frustration, felt like meds were not helping (other than keeping me awake)….felt like i was imploding…not a good place at all.

anyway, a friend had the kids come over to play for a few hours – think she sensed i needed a break. and i was able to make a dent in the “chaos” at home, which then led to working out things i needed to do to make the extended chaos of my life more managable, less stressful, more peaceful. part of this is the work i’ve been doing with my life coach. though he’s not an “add coach”, he’s still very wise, positive, knowledable, and helps me to find ways to work through the madness and helps keep me on track.

one of the things we’ve been discussing/working through is the “victim” mentality. i’ve suffered my whole life with this too – but it’s not the way i want to continue…and i’m working on it. sounds like this is something you need to do as well. it’s not something that can change overnight, but you can choose to take positive steps, even baby steps… see the world through a new lens, a different pair of glasses.

i’m going to list some of the questions/suggestions he posed to me. maybe this will be a good place to start, i hope

how do i self-sabotage?

what are my needs?

how am i meeting my needs?

write affirmations, and post them where you will read them regularly

how do i rob my affirmations of their power? imagining life as a vessel, what needs to be dredged out to make room for a a vessel full of glorious, wonderful affirmations? choose something to give up(one of the negative things that is taking up room in your vessel) and develope a structure that allows you to give it up.

what actions or behaviors if practiced habitually would reflect a new way of holding myself: i am valuable/add value;i have choices;i am capable and deserving; nurture positive view of self

well, some food for thought.

big hug!

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