Relieved to get husband's diagnosis – but now I'm angry!?

[Anonymous]

After watching “ADD and Loving It?!” on public television, my husband had many “ah-ha!” moments and wanted a diagnosis. (He was diagnosed with Inattentive subtype last week and prescribed medication, that he has not been able to begin due to being on steroids and antibiotics for sinusitis.)

I have always felt like I needed to do more – to BE more – in my marriage. I kept thinking the “problem” was with ME and that if I could just do more – my husband would be happy. I continued to do all I could – even though it created a very unbalanced relationship – because I thought I could “fix it” and my husband would want to react positively. I always thought that the reason I didn’t feel MY needs were being met were because I didn’t deserve it – that my husband didn’t love me enough to want to do anything for me.

After the ADHD diagnosis of my husband (and realizing that my former husband was also ADHD, though undiagnosed), I have come to realize that it was NOT about me not being “enough”. At first this was such a relief! I felt like a burden had been lifted and that I could gain some self-esteem and feel I have NOT been a total failure as a partner! This is about the ADHD and my husbands, past and current! It also explains the demise of my first marriage after 25 years. (I am now sad as I think about what could’ve been had we only known what we were dealing with before the divorce.)

Now I find that I am angry! I feel as though I have been doing all the work, and enabling my husband in some ways, in hopes that he would “love me more” and I would feel worthy. With this new diagnosis – I am starting to feel defeated because I know that it’s the ADHD and that I can’t EXPECT him to change. . . that I’m STILL going to have to do everything for it to be done. I’m angry about this! I almost feel like it was easier to handle when I thought it was my fault and I was in control! I also feel like my husband will be ready to chalk everything up to being ADHD and it will add to the excuses.

I know I am expecting a lot – and not really being fair to my husband as he was just diagnosed and hasn’t even started the medication. I don’t want to feel angry, but I find I am now able to realize that everything is NOT my responsibility and I am not a bad person! I used to baby him and make sure I “managed” everything for him as he needed my help. Now I feel like it’s no longer up to ME to take on this responsibility. My husband needs to implement the tools he’s learned to start to manage his own life. Of course I will continue to partner with him, but I no longer want to be “in charge”.

My motto with him has always been, “Your lack of planning is not my emergency!” because that’s how it’s always felt. This was true of my first marriage as well. I spent my life putting out fires and trying to manage MY life and theirs as well. It’s been exhausting and defeating – especially when it hasn’t felt like I was getting anything rewarding back! Again, now I am understanding it’s about the ADHD and not me, and I feel guilty for feeling angry! Has anyone else had this surprising reaction?

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[Anonymous]

I’m still in the assessment stage (waiting for the feedback appointment) but my husband self-diagnosed himself some years ago, even got meds prescribed but doesn’t take them and won’t do anything to help around the house unless I totally get crazy and have a major yelling match.

I read ADHD and it’s Effects on Marriage by Melissa Orlov and it opened my eyes wide to the reasons why that didn’t work. I didn’t feel guilty about it but I did start changing my response to him.

I do feel as though he regards ME as the problem though, and last week when I finally couldn’t take it any longer and had another screaming fit, he agreed to talk to his doctor about getting a proper assessment and actually made the doctor’s appointment the next day. Major step forward.

The thing I have been getting from reading various books is that meds are not the answer, they are only part of the solution. So asking your husband to be more aware of what’s going on, how it’s affecting you, how you can work together until he gets his meds in order might be a very useful exercise for you both.

I try to let my husband know how things he does affects me, how for example, when he peppers me with questions it makes my brain shut down since it’s overloaded and I feel very stressed out. He lets me tell him when he’s given me enough info, lets me absorb it, and I get to tell him when to continue. It’s a very simple example, but you might try approaching the situation in a similar way, both of you working together on the issues.

When he takes his meds, he is much better to deal with, he remembers to do things I’ve asked without me asking him. He is more productive, sleeps less, etc. But when he doesn’t, well …. last week he burnt a pot of soup because he turned the element on high instead of low, the day before he forgot to turn the element off and that’s been a problem in the past because we’ve melted several expensive pots that were left on the element. So there’s hope for meds helping in some ways, just not a solution for everything.

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[Anonymous]

I am waiting for “ADHD and it’s Effects on Marriage” by Melissa Orlov to arrive in my mailbox! I’m really wanting to be positive in how I react to my husband’s behavior. We have only been married 3 years and I really am so blessed. He was willing to get a diagnosis as soon as I presented the information and has been very open to treatment, etc. I guess a part of me is afraid of the “triggers” I’m feeling from my first marriage. I need to focus on the fact that my husband DOES have a diagnosis this time and will have the medication to help. We want to, and have to, be in this together or it will not work! Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it!

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[Anonymous]

I was lucky, the book was available at our library. I didn’t finish it (I have a stack of about 30 books that are all on the go at one time or another and last Friday I took 12 books back to the library, Orlov’s book was one of them, I’d renewed it about 4 or 5 times) but I read most of it. It was very helpful.

I feel very different about my husband’s behaviour knowing that the way I’ve been reacting to it and trying to manage it doesn’t work and it doesn’t make either of us feel better. It’s very hard for him to open up, he has grown up with a lot of guilt so he tends to shut down and as a man he doesn’t like to talk about feelings and all that woo-woo stuff, but we’re getting better at it.

I did keep one book back from the library, and I’m finding it’s really useful for my learning style. It’s called “Taming Your Gremlin”. I probably heard about it on this site (THANK YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE). It’s useful for anyone, not just ADHDers. If you can find it at your local library, you might want to have a look at it.

We also have a meditation teacher we see weekly for individual meetings who is also a psychologist and although he’s not helping specifically with the ADHD issues, he is very helpful in many other ways with our patterns of behaviour.

It’s probably good that you are feeling triggers. I am dealing with some submerged but recently emerged unresolved grief, and I was experiencing a lot of physiological distress without knowing the reason why. At least you can face your triggers and fears head on knowing what they are about! That’s a positive for both of you, I think!

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[klmillscats]

My husband was diagnosed about 15 years ago when we had our daughter tested. She also has ADD. At that time, there was no post-diagnosis counseling, you were simply referred back to your PCP for meds. But we went to a workshop in Dallas, and learned a great deal. One of the best things we learned is for the ADD spouse to “give permission” for the non-ADD spouse to give assistance. For example, as he goes to work and I would ask, “do you have your keys?”, he might bite my head off if he did have them, and curse himself if he didn’t. By giving me permission to run the daily checklist, we both learned how much grief it saved both of us. The objective is not to point out what he forgot, but for him to go out the door with the tools he’ll need for the day. He was also very resistant to making lists and using calendars, thinking it was giving in to his weaknesses. When I pointed out that everyone makes lists and uses calendars from time to time, he learned to use those tools as well, and has in fact, become quite creative in linking work and home calendars through his computer, getting reminders through cell phone, and we’ve begun emailing appointments to each other. The most valuable thing I’ve learned through experience and time, is that “less is more”. Nagging and raising my voice are the two worse things I can do. He shuts down, and my frustration level spikes. Chose your battles carefully. Where the business and chores of daily life are concerned, we both work full-time jobs, and I’ve learned not to work myself into a state of resentment because I’m not superwoman and he’s not doing what I might think he should. Since he’s a horticulturist by profession, it’s easy to delegate the outside chores to him while I try to keep the house in order and running. We try to play to our gifts; he’s mechanically inclined and I’m definitely not, so he gets those chores. Yet I’m not hesitant to call a mechanic or repair service if he can’t or won’t get to something. But I always make him part of the decision making process. Bottom line, remember why you fell in love with your partner, respect each others weaknesses, respectfully compensate for them when you can, and play to your strengths. My tombstone won’t read, “she kept a spotless house,” but hopefully I’ll be remembered for my character and humor. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and Blessed are the peacemakers.

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[Anonymous]

Hey klmillscats…just a heads-up. The large blocks of text are a killer…..break your posts up into chunks. It just becomes a jumble of words otherwise.

Just sayin.’…….

toofat

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