Ritalin and the adventures of PigMonkey

[Robbo]

Great post @creativeonein, what ya said is very encouraging. Unfortunately for me, I only have a vague memory of what it was like to take the methylyphenidate. Mostly I remember how a couple of the people in my life responded to me when taking it.

It was also really cool the way that I suddenly became much more patient with what other folks had to say. It also made me feel really rotten about my personality and maybe even my character before taking it.

This was extremely unfair. I have got to officially apologize to myself about being so dang ridiculously strict, and even mean spirited.

To me!.

If anyone else in my life had talked to me the way my imagination has, about the way I interact with the world.

Well crap, I would probably just jump right down on them and lump up their poor innocent face!. I’m a lil bit bummed at the moment about how I’ve talked to a pretty lady I was dating a while back. Seems like it’s been months and months.

But it was last week…

AAACK!

I wish I could take back all those times that I snapped at her just because she was trying to give me a little bit of instruction about stuff that didn’t even add up to any freaking thing! Nothing! No big deal…

But I felt like she was trying to boss me around… The nerve of some people!. Actually it’s me with the nerve. Much too much nerve for my own good.

I’m looking foreword to the way the generic ritalin make my nerves much less touchy, sensitive and freaking hyper.

Are ya still out there @pigmonkey?

Let us know how you’ve been doing, okay? . It’s a pretty cool coincident that we’re both giving the ritalin a shot. For me it’s the second time. So it’s a lil less risky feeling for me.

Check in with us man. I like what ya said here:

Really, normal is one of my greatest worries.  I am not taking meds to be normal, I am taking meds to be productive.  If I go normal, the meds go in the toilet.

In fact “going normal” was a large part of my excuse for deciding to quit taking it. But recent events timed out just about perfectly in order for me to become willing to give them pills another shot.

It’s not likely the lady will allow me back into her life. And I can’t even tell you if I want her back  in mine. But the very painful and awful lesson is the same one I’ve been learning with many other relationships, all of them not romantic, and a lil less painful. But indeed, they are painful.

That all too familiar look of disappointment on the face of just about anyone I talk to when I interrupt… That’s the swan song of my existence.

The disgust I see on the face when I say something totally un-related (seemingly) to the current conversation. When all along, there are a couple (at least) other conversations going on simultaneously inside my imagination!.

It makes perfect sense to me. But only I can hear all the other conversations going on in my brain.

And my body language is all over the place. So there’s a slight clue that somethings going on under the hood.

I just can’t possibly articulate all of that!!! at least not as quickly as it’s going on!!! This can feel like a freaking emergency.

It’s embarrassing…  It just makes her crazy. And she’s in love with me ta boot. So I feel absolutely horrible and rotten. Yep, I fell for this gal in a huge way you guys… Can’t get her outa my system…

She asks me a question, (maybe a question about me over-thinking some seriously boring topic) and I have to decide on only one of the several answers generated inside my busy busy brain… And she give me that dang look again.

N says “get out”

so…

Yep, I got out.

next?

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[creativeonein]

Don’t be so hard on yourself and give your self time to get used to a “new you”. That in and of itself is a big transition. Equally important, if anyone else around you has a lack of empathy or patience and is judging you for who you are without any real emotional support, you DO NOT need them in your life.  My relationships changed as a result of the new me. I had to accept that some people would not be able to deal with this, nor understand what ADD really is and what it had done to me untreated. So I gently let folks decide if I was still important enough to them to be in their life. For those that could not deal, so be it. I was now looking at them differently, looking at how they treated me in the past. It was not such a bad thing that some people fell to the wayside. Be  patient with yourself and try to not think so much what others think of you but focus on learning about yourself and playing up the positives. They are there, it just may take time to see them. I now consider my ADD a gift. I did not always feel that way. One day I realized if I did not focus on the positive I would live the rest of my life feeling horrible about myself. I’d already spent way too many years doing that (pre-diagnosis). I was not willing to continue on that negative path!

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[SweetWriter14]

Hi, Folks, I’m fairly new to the site, and this is my first posting. I’ve been on one medication or another all my life. My thyroid gland quit working when I was an infant. Once the folks figured out the problem, they started me on the thyroid medication. It’s easy to tell when I don’t take it. When I was a kid, I used to play a game of how many days it would take my parents to figure it out. When I became 13, however, everyone said to take it every day, because tadpoles don’t become frogs with insufficient thyroid hormone in their systems. Whoa!

Years later, in the 90s, my chronic depression got enough attention that I started therapy, and started medication for it. I and others around me can really tell the difference when I don’t take it. I also take meds for anxiety. Both are genetic, and that made it easier to accept the need.

When I was finally diagnosed with ADD after age 50, I was started on one med. After a few years, I was changed to another. The dosage on that was just increased. (Hey, I became fatter.)

I’m “normal” for me, but am a very cool person. I’m cool because I’ve achieved many of the things I’ve wanted in this life: college degree, published books, helped raise step-sons, etc., etc. It took a long time to develop this self-esteem, but it makes life more enjoyable, now and again.

I’ve not been able to relate to Pigmonkey’s attitudes about meds, but I respect the sentiments. I’m just showing that certain missing chemicals are needed. It doesn’t mean you become a zombie or something worse. You don’t become a executive type, etc., etc.

Did any of you know that there’s actually a 12-step program for Adult ADD?

Thanks!

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[Robbo]

Hey gang, I’m just here to update ya on the psychiatrist appointment last week. It seemed to go well, but not so much when my GP doctor called me. He said they decided not to let me try the methylphenidate the second time. So I guess it was a bigger mistake than I realized when I stopped taking it last year.

So while I can’t say that I’m clinically depressed like I have been in the past. I am in some seriously bad pain. A combination of the ended romance, struggles with having a lot more social contact and  being much more aware of how acute the ADHD struggles still are.

And now feeling like my the quality of the health care I do receive has hit rock bottom. I’m fairly sure that if they did not have a new psychiatrist, I would probably be given a second chance to try the methylphenidate. Unfortunately I don’t think getting a second opinion is an option for me in this case.

I can’t even say that I’m sure the generic Ritalin would actually make that much difference.

I do know that I’m severely bummed, and I know this is going to take some time. Time to just finish with the grief about yet another failed relationship. Grief about how She must be feeling about this romance not working out, because the bottom line is that I still love this gal. Too dang much.

Grief about not having that very slight, but also very important extra help some of us can expect to get with medications. I was looking foreword to some help with all the relationships in my life. I feel like the same crap that made this romance fail, is hurting the rest of the people I’m trying to be friends with. Making all these people in my life just turn away. Like they always have.

It’s freaking lonely.

I have to admit, there was a small hopeful part of me thinking that when I started taking the medication, I would also be given another shot with this gal I was involved with over the last couple months.

It’s nearly sickening how difficult it is for me to let go of this one beautiful lady.  I gotta admit, a big part of it is the fact that I just don’t have any other really close friends.

This really is the shits. I’m seriously without hope.

And I really really hate to admit it. It’s just the shits.

Thanks for all the support you guys.

I will keep my head on straight.

I don’t give up, and I don’t give in.

I just hurt real bad inside.

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[Patte Rosebank]

@Robbo, did they tell you WHY they don’t want to let you try Ritalin again?

If not, you need to know.  That way, you can discuss it with them, and perhaps answer their concerns in a way that will convince them to let you try it again, under close medical supervision.

The biggest issue with meds is that they require much more medical supervision than people (including most of the doctors who prescribe them) realize.  No wonder so many patients stop taking them—either because they don’t seem to be working, or because of side-effects, or because they seem to have worked so well that the patient decides they don’t need to take them any more.

A big part of this is unreasonable expectations and/or fears about meds.  If you don’t know what to expect, you won’t be able to tell if they’re working properly.  And if you’re afraid they’re going to change your personality or harm you, you’re more likely to stop taking them at the slightest hint of feeling differently—even if that’s not actually the case.

If your doctors are worried you might abuse the meds, that’s another matter.  In that case, Concerta (the real, branded version) could be the answer, because it cannot be crushed and abused.  It is expensive, but the manufacturer has a patient assistance plan to help people who otherwise couldn’t afford it.

If your doctors refuse to discuss this, then you may need to find different doctors who will better meet your needs.  Medical care is now more of a partnership between doctor and patient.  And you have the right to have doctors who will work *with* you, instead of treating you like a problem-child.

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[Robbo]

Hi Larynxa, it looks like you’ve really done some thinking about this issue. And I want you to know that I really do appreciate your concern. Unfortunately I’m grouped in with a very large population of human beings in California who have extremely low income, and either are disabled, elders, or MIA. MIA stands for Medically Indigent Adults. In other words “Obama Care” patients.

It’s extremely difficult to get in to see a specialist of any kind. The psychiatrist I saw was new there, and only filling in once a week. That was after a very long wait.

This is the 21st century, and it’s just plain not reasonable for a disabled person in California with no other income other than my federal disability to get another appointment with a qualified specialist, unless a life is in danger. The truth is. My life is very far from being in danger.

In fact, I’m doing much better than I ever have. Maybe this is the problem. I just look too dang healthy. And no, they did not say it was because they were afraid of me abusing the medication. It was my own choice to stop taking the generic Ritalin (methylyphenidate) about this time (roughly) last year.  Of course the social worker/counselor that was with the psychiatrist, is/was the same one that accidentally sent me to a gamblers anonymous meeting last year when he thought he was sending me to some ADHD support group. So heck, maybe they think I’m just a gambler who wants to sell his pills to pay off his debts! lol. My imagination went there last year when I showed up for it. At least I got a little bit of a laugh at the time. Told a couple adrenaline junkie stories at the GA meeting and had a couple laughs with the gamblers at least.

I’m thinking about maybe asking my therapist to refer me to a better psychiatrist. But that’s also a very long term solution. In many cases, Ritalin type short acting medications are only for the short term any way. Like I said before. I’ve been making steady progress, and by the time I finally get around to trying the Ritalin, I will already have built all, or most of the new habits that we all learn just doing our time in recovery from a life with misdiagnosed, or under diagnosed ADHD.

I really need to make the best of my life here, now. And maybe in six months or so, I’ll get back in to see a better, and more qualified specialist. Then we will go back to the drawing board. For now. I just need to keep on living my life, and doing the best I can with the hand of cards I’ve been dealt.

Make sense?.

Yep, my life might be a lil easier with the Ritalin, but I will just have to do this the harder way for now. It’s not the most difficult way. But no life is perfect. Right?

Right. Just trust me. K?

The bottom line here is that I’m truly fed up with doctors appointments. I’ve had 17 years of complications due to my spinal cord injury, and at this point. I’m just not willing to sit in yet another dang doctors office any time soon. So I have not even made a follow up appointment. No second opinion, nothing. And I didn’t even ask my GP doctor why they decided not to let me try it again. I hardly even care to be honest.

I’m just just fed up with doctors and doctors offices. My ADHD problems are bad yes indeed. But I’ve got lot’s and lot’s of other good things going on in my life also. On balance, I’ve got to say that my life is generally not all that bad. Even with my heart a lil bit sore from a recent romance debacle. I can still say that I’m a happy camper most days. 

Thanks again for caring about this, and not just giving up on me.

I’ll stick around and keep on dealing with ADD using our good and very large kit of tools here.

We got a lot.

Peace

 

 

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[pigmonkey]

Sorry for not posting in a while all, first life happened, then I forgot, then I remembered but wasnt near a computer, (not using my phone, no one wrote anything worth reading with their thumbs.) Then I remembered again, and this process continued since…. when was the last time I posted?  Regardless I am back, and I have noticed that there has been a novel written in my absence.  just awesome.

UPDATE

So ten mg wasnt enough.  I now have 20 mg prescription that I have had for a couple of weeks until I have the money to fill the prescription. That will probably happen tomorrow when I get paid. The ten mg I still have I am supposed to take the 20 in the morning and the 10 in the afternoon.  I will let you all know what happens as I continue to experiment with my brain chemestry.

Because lets call a spade a shovel shall we.  “Medication” does not make you better, it alters your brain chemistry.  This is not something you can actively monitor.  Your brain chemistry chooses HOW you monitor, so just like everything in life you lack outside perspective when trying to drive your life in a particular direction.  I may think I am headed in the right direction, but I need someone who is watching from the outside to keep an eye on me, so they can bring my attention to any changes in behavior.  As much as I talk about Medication being my adventure, I need people along to hold the rope.

Humans make social connections, it’s in our wiring, we are herd animals.  It is important to have a friend along for the ride with you.  Someone trustworthy, very honest, and not afraid of confronting you.  The true friends are the ones who stick by your but don’t have the patience  to watch their friend suffer.

@robo

You are hurting.  Relationships suck, its tonnes of hard work and communication problems do not make it easier.  I have read over your posts and a few things strike me.  Firstly, it takes two people to fail for a relationship to fail.  I know it feels like you, heck she might even say it was all you, and you may believe it.  However, you are all wrong, only I am right…. get used to it. 🙂  I have never had a long lasting successful relationship with a woman.  My longest involvement was six months long and terminated in me being called, a socially stunted mutant.  That hurt, but I did not say it, and I refuse to internalize it.  She felt that way, not me. She said nothing about it for weeks, not me.  And finally when her internal voice said that everything was my fault for not working we split.  As for female entanglements since, I have had them.  But like you I have a weird communication style, and its rare.  I suppose it is easier for me cause I have been so my hole life.  Loneliness is an old friend.  We drink together.  Besides, years of sporadic female contact has given me superpowers beyond that of mortal men.  I do not fear being alone, that gives me confident (which makes me attractive).  I am (i love this) a sex camel, I have physical intimacy with a partner once ever two years or so.  It is nice it recharges my Humps for the long two year trek across the Saraha of nookie.  Like any camel, I can drink more often, I just dont need to.  This rids me of desperation, which women smell on you like horse shit.  Finally I try not to judge myself.  Self realization, and constantly beating up on your self is not the same thing.  Recognize the acts you take, and things you do, but don’t assign feeling to them, just note it as an interesting thing you do, then decide if you want to keep it.  No Gilt.

I really feel you have to come to terms with the fact that you are driving your life.  It seems usually that you have no control to what happens to you, and for the most part you are not completely incorrect.  However, while you cannot control causality, you can control how you perceive, and what information you readily pick up on.  Life opportunities are not something that just happen to you, (or at least not me, I am not a lucky person, so I had to be sneaky, and make luck) They are perceived first as an opportunity, pursued as an opportunity, then exploited.  I have a sense that you are so hurt, and self affacing over your relationships, that your brain is no longer mining opportunities, it is assuming that you will screw them up.

Here is the first thing I think you should do.  Stop. Your mind is too busy looking backward finding out why you do what you do. Look forward, make plans and do them.  It can be a big project or a small one.  You are a good person and deserve a good life.

@Larynixa you are prolific as ever, and I find your insight valuable, keep it up.

@sweetwriter14

Welcome, thank you for posting and adding your voice.  Sometimes talking about it the first time is the hardest thing to do.

 

Cheers all

PigMonkey.

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[AllAboutControl]

Hi PigMonkey,

I’m fairly new to the pill game myself; it’s been less than a year since I’ve been taking 30mg/day of Adderall XR. After my diagnosis, I first tried Strattera and Biphentin with no success.

My relationship with my meds is interesting to say the least:

I have noticed a significant difference between the days that I take my pill and the days that I sleep in too late to take it or forget. The latter are essentially write-offs – I have no drive to do anything productive that requires any thought or effort. When I do take Adderall, I notice that I can make myself do things, but it still isn’t easy.

That’s where my biggest problem concerning meds comes in: I’ve been using them as a crutch. My focus has been directed towards school with very positive results while everything else has remained on the back-burner. School has always been something that I could focus on, which I think is due to the fact that I’m accountable to somebody else. This means that I have drive and motivation for things like work, school, meetings and appointments, and other such events; I have none for anything else. I can focus on things once I get started on them, but I can’t muster up the will to do anything.

I need to learn how to take advantage of this medically-induced ability to do things. My priority was school, so I never took the time to learn coping strategies or build and maintain good habits. That’s why I’m here.

The side effects are one such thing – I don’t get hungry anymore and forget to eat, I need to take another pill just to fall asleep at night, I sweat a lot, and my extremities get cold very easily. I’m living with these side effects, but I’m not really doing anything about them: I could get into the habit of going to bed earlier, I could schedule meals, and I could actually use the clinical-strength antiperspirant that I bought several months ago. I could, but I don’t.

I’m a prime example of the “meds are about 15% of the solution” adage…

I’m sorry for the rant. I guess I just wanted to offer my experience with medication.

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