Sadness and Regret

[kseniiaadhd]

Hello. My name is KseniiaADHD, and I was officially diagnosed with ADHD in October 2013.

The diagnosis didn’t come as a surprise to me. I got it because I had a friend who kept insisting I was Asperger’s and I knew she was wrong. However, finally having that information in my hand has led to a lot more sadness, regret, and grief than I thought it would.

I didn’t realize it would change how I look at my past and how my adult life progressed. From being fired from my career choice (which I had focused on wanting from the ages of 14-28 ), to acting out/acting irrationally, to impulsive actions, to repeating the same stupid behaviours over and over.

Losing the career I spent almost half of my life (at this point) wanting is especially tough for me to handle. I was a journalist, and I lost my job because of stupid mistakes I was making (because I wasn’t paying attention – got very bored with some of what I was covering, plus I was very burnt out from a previous job), which included writing a story about something I misheard, which means the story was essentially made up (not intentionally). I had resolved how I felt about that whole problem, and came to terms with it, and had let it go…..then I got the diagnosis again. And it feels like I am back in mourning for what happened. That if I had just understood this part of me more, things would have been different.

I know you can’t change the past, but it doesn’t seem to hurt any less.

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[kc5jck]

I really don’t want to seem insensitive, but being fired from a job doesn’t shipwreck a career.

Here’s a thought, write a book about what it is like to have ADHD, all the clueless stupid things that one with undiagnosed ADHD does, and the spectrum of feelings of sadness, regret, and grief that is invariably associated with the diagnosis.

Really, people out there who don’t have it, don’t have a clue how it feels realize that your life and potential has been wasted and sabotaged by ADHD.

You’re right, you can’t change the past, and it doesn’t seem to hurt any less, but you’ll get over it, mostly, and move on.  The sooner you can do so, and drop the baggage, the better.

Sorry you’re in the boat, but we’re happy to make room for you.

By the way, you’re still a journalists, just one that is presently unemployed.  🙂

 

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[g.laiya]

way to find the silver lining kc5jck!
sage words, fantastic idea!
kseniia, know that it is indeed common to experience these feelings of grief, sadness, regret etc following diagnosis, possibly more profoundly if diagnosed later in life. i was in my late 40s when i was diagnosed, so had more than 40 years of f-ups to reflect upon, over 40 years of “not living to potential”…and it’s not as if you take a pill and magically everything in your life just falls into place. When i first got my diagnosis and started treatment, there was a lot of “why didn’t i get diagnosed earlier? why did i have to suffer/struggle so long? if only i had this dx and started tx when i was a teen…….” it’s a sad, sad place to be. but little by little, you let go, you move on, you start moving forward.
apart from psychiatric help, support from your peers – like you’ll find here – is immensely helpful.
i also found that working with a lifecoach helped me to re-define what i wanted in life, create and move forward with a better bluprint. something you may want to consider. but also really like kc5jck’s suggestion!

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[shutterbug55]

@KseniiaADHD,

I read your post and I can’t help but think about all you have accomplished. You started and completed college. Reading these boards, that is a monumental accomplishment all by itself. You became a journalist, which involves doing things which are way outside the strengths of ADHD.

I fully understand the loss of a dream(or three) and it is very OK to allow yourself to mourn that loss. Please don’t get stuck in the mourning, and focus on what you have to offer the world instead.

Consider this: I am one of the ADHD peeps that considers this condition a curse. Gifts can be returned. You have done things I can only dream about. You will have to teach me how to write some time. Have some patience, because I am Autistic, and ADD, and Dyslexic.

I don’t understand the Journalism community, but can you start over? With your organizational skills, have you considered technical writing? Writing fiction?

 

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[xephier]

“I am Autistic, and ADD, and Dyslexic.” No offense dude but writing may not be the career for you. It’s difficult enough to get into it just having ADHD but writing stuff backwards unintentionally when you do manage to get into it would kill confidence as well. I love writing, especially writing stuff that I’m passionate about but I rarely write at all because of my ADD. Like ya I love doing it but I’ll get around to it sometime(yakno what I mean?).

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[shutterbug55]

I know what you mean, xephier.

With my difficulties, communicating in general is very hard to do. I am sure I don’t write as efficiently or as fluidly as other people do, but it gets areas of my brain working that would not ordinarily get used. If I had to depend on writing for a career, I would be a LOT thinner!

Writing stories helps me with organizing my thoughts, so I can write papers for work, letters, and even when I am speaking. A lot of my “writing” happens when I speak into a head-set and the computer types. Technology is a beautiful thing!

It is like my woodworking. That helps with my spatial orientation, and organization. I also need to keep things in my head, which forces the use of working memory.

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