Scared to death – literally

[Anonymous]

Well I have not been on the site for quite some time. I found myself here tonight, I guess internally I need to reach out.

Back in Feb I was suicidal, for some reason there is a flame inside of me that won’t extinguish. I admitted myself to ER and went to mental institution for about 3 weeks.

I was finally able to see myself as everyone else saw me. A common theme / message I get from reading and learning all I can about ADHD is once it’s diagnosed and you’re dealing with it to go after the dreams you gave up on.

While watching the old Robin Williams movie The. I thought that’s what I want to do. I talked to a medical school admissions counselor and the MSTP (MD PhD) coordinator and both said I would be a great nontraditional candidate.

I started studying for the MCAT. I did not receive the psychological evaluation until after the cutoff date and couldn’t take the exam with the recommended time and a half. I went and took the exam and did the best I could.

I was also diagnosed with learning disabilities of reading and math disorders. In Kindergarten (1975) I had been diagnosed with eye to hand coordination and motor skills disabilities.

Most of the MCAT questions are based off of passages. I knew it was going to be a challenge. As every other standardized test I’ve taken I performed horrendously. I knew that my essays and if I could get an interview would be my only ticket being accepted. My undergraduate grades and GPA are welll below what is considered Med school material. I studied and did the best I could but mainly received C’s.

Applying to and getting into Med school has been the only thing that has given me any inkling of meaning, self worth and hope of gaining a purpose.

I have been applying to schools and have only been rejected by 2 there is still hope.

Yet inside I’m struggling to keep the hope alive.

When I was putting together the documents for the MCAT Accommodations community the ADHD was so evident in the notes that the preschool, kindergarten and 1st grade teachers wrote, and the trend that as the courses became more difficult in high school my grades went lower and lower.

At 41 finally being diagnosed and finding out what ADHD is and correcting the things I did not realize I did.

I also have PTSD because growing up was a battlefield between with dad and sister. I fought every inch of the way through Marquette University, my clinical advisor told me over and over I would not make it or pass the boards exams. For how much I studied I should have graduated with a 4.0 GPA.

I shined in the jobs I had, even though I felt like I was hiding a secret that I was not as intelligent as they saw me. I married at age of 32 because I did not want to become a statistic and waited for that right person. Well as soon as the I do’s were said Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde was able to come out. I married a very successful trial lawyer that is a very controlled and functional alcoholic. Every night at home when he drank it was a night of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse. I hid it as long as I could. I did not want to accept that I made a mistake. I’m the fist in my family to go to college, looked up to and had my shit together. At the same time I got caught up in the crossfire of the incredibly vindictive jealous PhD towards the PhD I worked under and I would not go against my boss. My dog almost died in the backyard because his glucose level was over 600. About 5 years prior my sister acted up, started a fight with me then took me to court for an order of protection against me and my dog. The judge could not believe that my, who represented herself, sister was talking about me. My lawyer said it perfectly that to my sister there is Hitler, Stalin,and me and I’m at the top.

So in 2005 my brain said no more and I went into a severe depression and anxiety. Had an intervention for my husband with the lawyers help group. The judge who met with my husband did not take me seriously when I said if he did not go for help I would be across the street filing for a divorce and emergency order of protection. By now he was acting funny, like the ‘bad’ Bob who did remember anything the next morning was sensing I had figured out his secret. One night he threw the bottle of red wine at me. The painter said this OS when you switch to white wine. The divorce was finalized in 2007. Then in 2008 all of the sudden I wanted to get back to work. Started a new job, but 8 months later a scientists dream fell into my lap to start up a new lab for a biopharmaceutical company. I started in Jan 2009, discovered issues and was finally fired Jan 2011.

I am so tired of this battle called life. The roller coaster I’ve been living since I can remember has me so numb I don’t feel anything. I go through each day for no reason other than to go to the library to fill out the secondary applications. But then I think why, so that I can just continue on the same roller coaster. Since I was 9 or 10 and decided I wanted to be in the marching band and to become a Dr (I wanted to be like Quincy). I have fought to fulfill my goal. I know that I am more compassionate and help the underdog, because I relate and wish I had some fighting or even just helping me out. Well the Lord and He gave me one heck of a guardian angle.

I’m tired

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[Anonymous]

Wanting to achieve something successful in your life can be a very frustrating desire. My husband has it, and he gets very down about it, has tried so many things (and he is good at a lot of things) but he wants to be “known” for something, to be “great” at something, and when he doesn’t achieve it, he gets depressed. It’s an awful cycle and frustrating for me to watch. It costs us a lot in expenses because he has to have all the “right” tools before he will start anything.

I’m 56, have had over 26 jobs in my life, never able to settle down until I met my husband, unable to sustain achievements even if I get there (I succcessfully obtained a professional accounting designation but only worked about 9 years in the field, too stressful and couldn’t hold all of the information in my head, I probably have a math dysfunction too). I spent thousands of dollars in my late 40s trying different training programs and careers (accounting designations don’t come cheap), finally my husband said “you are not allowed to be anything more than a warm body in a classroom – no more studies!”

I’m learning to simplify my life. Getting up in the morning, limiting my exposure to the media that says we have to be prettier, dress snappier, work harder and faster and achieve more than anyone else, etc, just doing what i can to keep it together and have a more balanced life, that’s what’s important to me now. And health and my relationship with my husband.

I’ve changed my perspective – I no longer want to run with the rate race or climb the corporate ladder.

I don’t know if that’s helpful, for me, I set my sights lower and eventually found something I could do on my own.

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