sibling

[loveaaco]

Wondering if anyone has any advice?

My 8 year old son has just been diagnosed with ADHD.  Through that meeting we have learned my husband also has it and is in the works of being “officially” diagnosed.  That in itself is a whole other issue involving so many feelings and frustrations.  That aside, does anyone have any advice on how to explain my sons ADHD and what it does to him so that his older siblings will understand? 

My son, for lack of a better term, has a mild form of ADHD (my knowledge right now is limited).  He doesn’t have anger issues, doesn’t have break downs unless excessively tired, can keep friends but is constantly on the move.  He doesn’t sit still, focus, does things without thinking of what might happen later. His sisters are having a hard time understanding that he doesn’t always have control/think about consequences.  There are times I know he does things because he likes the reaction from them he gets  from them. However,  there are times when I know he’s not “thinking”, just living in the moment.  I’m in the process of reading many books, have seen numerous videos on Totally ADD but I’ve found nothing to help me explain it to my daughters.  They just don’t think he’s trying hard enough.  For that matter they think that about their father who does have some of the more extreme reactions.  I’ve bought a book to help my son try to understand better called Cory’s Stories but I still don’t think it goes to helping any of them understand.  My son’s gone to saying “It’s just my ADD, I can’t help myself”.  This we’ve talked to him about.

Is there anything out there to help my daughters understand their brother better?  My apologies if my terminoligy is wrong.  I’ve only been at this for about 6 weeks.

With thanks!

 

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[dithl]

What about Ed Hallowell’s analogy — “Ferrari brain, bicycle brakes”? Sure he has (some) control (sometimes), but he’s still learning how to control a Ferrari (or monster truck, or whatever vehicle is cool…) engine with puny little bicycle brakes. That still leaves your son with the responsibility of learning how to use what he’s got. The problem, too, is — they probably do see him trying and succeeding sometimes. It’s just not always going to be consistent, which is an extremely frustrating aspect of ADD. If only those great days turned into great weeks and great months. But that’s not how it works, and if he (and they) can understand that it is the nature of ADD, then it would be okay for everyone to vent at the ADD (not the child) when it’s impacting them / frustrating them, while helping him work on his goals, whatever they may be.

Hope that’s a little bit of help…here’s a link to an article about Ferrari engine / bicycle brakes.

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/9338.html

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[kc5jck]

It has been said that for those who do not have ADHD, no explanation is possible.  Attention deficit hyper active as a label does not begin to describe what is going on.  Its only a poor description of two of the apparent symptoms.

Although certainly up for discussion, I would say that ADHD is a combination of a poor working memory, an inability to maintain focus on uninteresting tasks (events, discussions, assignments, etc.) and impaired executive functioning of the brain.  There are identifiable differences in the structure and chemistry (neurotransmitters) of the brain.

These can be, but are not necessarily handicaps, any more than the physical attributes of height or weight can be.  They can in many instances be an asset.  Just like weighing 400 lbs can be an asset if you want to be a Sumo wrestler.  ADHD is not especially uncommon, as it is estimated that about one in twenty five have it.  It is largely genetic.  It has nothing to do with intelligence or lack thereof.

So, based on myself, this means that:

1.  His memory is not such that he will remember things he hears long enough to get the information into longer term memory.  Things will need to be repeated or written.  The longer term memory seems to be OK.  Once he learns something, he is as good as anyone else.  (How many times have you had to ask him, or your husband, multiple times to do something?  They’re not trying to blow you off, they just didn’t remember.)

2.  His mind (attention) will focus on what is interesting, not what is important.  In fact, his attention will shift multiple times at “light speed” and get him far afield very quickly.  (This can be quite useful in solving difficult problems.)

When you drive, you make hundreds of minor corrections as you make your way to your destination in order to stay on the road.  Something of which you are not even aware.  Similarly, in class, students shift their focus away from distractions back to the teacher as lessons are being taught.  The ADHD afflicted do not have this ability.  Their attention will go from the class to the noise in the hall to the bird outside the window to any and everything that they feel, see, hear, or smell, each sending thoughts and imagination bouncing around like a ball in a pinball machine.

And contrary to the label “attention deficit”, he may become interested in something and maintain intense “focus” for hours, ignoring all external stimulus short of intense pain.

3. While executive function, or lack thereof, results in attention problems, it also affects behavior, so that he lacks the “governor” that reins back anger, thoughtless comments, and other behavior.

Read what ashockley wrote earlier this year at http://totallyaddconnect.com/forums/topic/i-fired-my-therapist/ or http://totallyaddconnect.com/forums/topic/mashing-potatoes/

I would also recommend that you listen to the youtube videos of Russell Barkley for some “hard core” information about ADHD.  There are a couple of over an hour long that I like and found informative.

You can go to http://totallyaddconnect.com/forums/topic/survival-in-an-add-relationship/  or http://totallyaddconnect.com/forums/topic/my-story/for more of my thoughts.

These links will also give you a sense of the frustration members here suffer with and the often poor help that is available.

🙂

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[loveaaco]

Thank you both for your suggestions.  My apologies for not responding earlier.  I don’t always have access to a computer unless my husband’s work computer is here.  Ours is broken.

The links and posts have been interesting.  The Ferrarri brain may help my daughters understand better.  My goal is to help them understand, have empathy, tolerance, etc  so they don’t resent their brother.  So they recognize the ADHD not that their brother is “not trying” (frequent phrase in our house).  My son is very funny and we joke he’s going to be a famous comedian when he grows up and his sisters will become famous, and not necessarily they way they want to be ;-).  Right now it doesn’t seem to bother him that  he has an ADHD diagnosis, nor does it bother me that he or my husband have it.  As far as I’m concerned it answers a lot of questions, so let’s move on and find out what works.  My husband is a different story, it bothers him greatly.  So much so that I’m afraid he’s going to rant off about it and make my son feel bad for having it.  Sorry, of topic.

I’ve read a number of Barkley’s books plus a number written by different authors.  Barkley’s I read first.  The other seem to support what I read in his books.  Corey’s Stories was interesting when I read it to my son.  He tuned into the parts that he could relate to.  We’d snuggle at bedtime to read his story and he’s play with some Lego while I read.  When I started reading some parts he would turn and look at the pictures and talk about how the samething happens to him.  We’ve taken parts of the story and incorporated it into our lives.  When he gets in others personal space we take about the square.  He’s 8, he’s fun and he’s completely adorable.  I just don’t want his sister’s to forget it.

Thank you so much!

 

 

 

 

 

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[seabassd]

@loveaaco,

Hello and Welcome,

I was just thinking that your husband may find this site to be helpful as well. It’s really nice to connect with others who are working through or who have worked through similar issues.

Also…although I haven’t spent a lot of time on the CHADD website, you may find some  helpful resources regarding childhood ADHD there as well. Here’s the link to the “Parents and Caregivers” page.

 

 

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[kc5jck]

@loveaaco – My daughter is a C-17 pilot for the Air Force.  I tell her she will be flying Air Force One one day for her (ADHD) brother when he gets to be president.

I got diagnosed after my son so that he might feel more like his father than the “odd one in the group.”

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