I just had two days off, but I am as exhausted and frustrated as the moment I left work Saturday evening.
Every weekend I spin my wheels, trying so hard to get caught up, get myself organized, simplified and ready for my week, and end up doing what feels like a whole bunch of nothing, wasting time. I only get the very minimal of what I wanted to get done done, yet I spend the whole weekend, well….working hard.
First off, like every day, I find it so difficult just to get out of bed and get started. I groan inside my head at the fact that the dog has to go out. I would much rather spend the next two or three hours rolling back and forth in the bed, under the covers, daydreaming and just enjoying doing nothing. I’m not depressed, I’m not miserable, in fact I’m quite happy to just stay in bed where it is warm and snug.
Once I get up, there are a thousand things to do. I have to choose what clothes to put on, and put them on. This is such a tremendous hassle. Especially since I am not happy with any of my clothes. I hate them all. They are uncomfortable and don’t fit right. I hate jeans, but that seems to be the easiest, most stylish thing to wear. If I didn’t wear jeans, the other options are too overwhelming. I feel extremely pressured when my dog perks up and starts dancing around because she knows we’re about to go out. Should I use the bathroom first? Do I want to take my ipod this time or not? Coat or not? Do I go back and check the weather, or just risk it? Scarf or not? Did I take my phone? Do I want to take my phone? All these decisions and thoughts exhaust me, and they keep coming. Which route do I want to take? Do I want to cut this walk short or keep going? What’s the easiest way to get up the steps without tripping? Do I pet the neighbor’s outdoor cat?
Once inside, I have to stop to take my coat, scarf, ipod, keys all off of my person and into their proper places. This takes an act of monumental patience for me. Then, it’s time to get my dog’s leash off, or do I do that before I take my coat off? Did I take my phone out of my coat pocket?
Next, I need to get the dog food. Or do I make my own breakfast first?
I’ve made my own breakfast hundreds of times, but each time it’s like doing it the first time. I never do it in the same order, I always make some misstep of placement or timing (I can’t tell you how many accidents, burns, and episodes of plastic melting I’ve had in the kitchen), or forget to do something like put pepper in my eggs. Not an essential, but I wish I could remember it consistently. Do I want jelly or honey on my toast? Do I have the patience to make toast? Can I handle making toast with all these other things I’m trying to make?
Things that should be routine are somehow not routine, and wear on my patience. All the decisions to be made just wear me out. Decisions about order of accomplishing things (do I want to do laundry first, or go to the grocery store?) and then decisions within decisions. I am a perfectionist, and I want to do it the exact right way, but I never do.
I eventually make it to the grocery store, and end up spending three hours there, seeing things I want to buy, nearly buying them, and then talking myself out of them. I decide to rebag the items when I get the cart to my car, so I have less bags to take upstairs to my apartment, but I think I ended up losing an item I purchased (some make up). Either that, or, while I was putting things away (I think I was on the phone with my mom at the time), I put the item in some unknown, unusual spot. Who knows? Anyway, it’s gone, and I have to buy it again. I dont’ have the money to do this kind of crap!
Instead of doing stuff, I waste copius amounts of time checking and re-checking my e-mail, facebook, youtube, and forums over and over, or watching tv, all with this heightened, hyperactive, inner restlessness that I should be doing something else (and I really should) that won’t let me go. I just don’t have the calmness, motivation to do the things I need or otherwise want to do like work on schoolwork or complete household tasks.
WHY CAN’T I CLEAN OUT THE LITTER BOX???
I realize nobody wants to do that stuff, but, I just get so anxious and too keyed up to do it.
It’s like I’m going, “Am I going to clean the litter box? Am I going to clean the litter box?”
And I don’t.
I’m frustrated that, even though I’m pretty sure this is what I have, and have had this realization for a month, I can’t seem to accomplish any treatment because appointments seem to be so hard to come by, and then it gets cancelled, and then the nurse puts me off on a therapist, and etc., etc., etc.
I’m frustrated that I’m in a low-level job that in no way matches my intelligence or education.
I’m frustrated that, when I mentioned seeking out a job in a different place, my boss said, “I bet you won’t last a week. Who would put up with all your Squirrely-ness?” then, once she realized what she had said, tried to play it off like “We love you, who’s going to love you like your family here?”
I’m frustrated that my nickname at work is Squirrel.
I’m frustrated that I always feel wrong and embarrassed and like I don’t know what to say, or else I have TOO much to say and am rambling all over the place.
There’s just so MUCH in this world. So many options, so many things to do.
Take the simple thing of having a cat.
Well, you have to get a litter box, but then the litter spreads everywhere, so you have to get a litter mat, but then the cat exits the litter box from all angles, so you really should get a covered litter box with the one exit, and finally you’ve gotten the right kitty litter and
WHO CAN TAKE ALL THESE CHOICES????
I want things to be perfect and simple and easy.
I want to have clothes I like, jewelry I like, etc. other products I like but I’m NEVER SATISFIED WITH ANYTHING.
No wonder I spend hours at the store trying to find the right thing.
And then, in a vicious cycle, I try it, and end up taking it all back the next week, creating yet ANOTHER task for me to do.
Like I did this evening when I went on a total shopping spree at Walgreens, buying a bunch of make up.
I just want things to be RIGHT and NICE because I feel so WRONG and WEIRD.
K.
Total rant.
Sorry!
REPORT ABUSE
It’s a problem.