Talking to the air

[robynshnobyn]

One of the things I seem to consistently struggle with is having someone to talk to. I have people in my life, obviously, and I’m sure they’d like to listen but whenever I say anything they get quiet, as if they don’t know what to say. I try to refrain from venting to them as much as possible because I feel like it makes them uncomfortable. This eventually bleeds into the thinking that my speaking up makes everyone uncomfortable, so I find myself saying less and less.

Trouble is, this is a big issue for me because having someone to talk to makes the feelings a lot less distracting. Everything gets pent-up to the point where it suffocates me, and when it finally boils over the top I’m still left with myself. I want nothing more than for everyone to be able to express themselves but I can’t. I can’t even properly write out how frustrating and overwhelming it is, it’s as if I’ve forgotten how.

I find myself trying my very best to belittle how I feel in my own head, so it doesn’t seem as unmanageable. Yet, I have so many thoughts and opinions that I never say for fear of hurting someone or annoying someone or making someone else uncomfortable. The whole issue has grown to a greater degree than I can handle, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

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[seabassd]

@robynshnobyn

You’re right on point again. I’m not always good with self awareness stuff. I think that’s one of the reasons I love the TADD forums so much. Someone brings up some aspect of their character and then I’m like…”Oh Yeah I do that”.

I remember I was hanging out with a buddy of one of my good friend, so I only new them by association we had never really hung out before. Anyway I just opened up to this person(that I barely new) about a bunch of personal stuff and philosophy. I didn’t really think anything about it at the time. The next day I got a call from my really good friend and he asked me if everything was alright. I was like..”Yep…why would anything be wrong.” Apparently the person I  regurgitated all my thoughts and feelings to had called my BFF and said something like “Man I was with seabassd last night and he really freaked me out, maybe you should check on him.” My BFF just laughed as I told him what the conversation was about. He knew me well. Actually he always got a kick out of things I did and said so this was just another amusing story for him.

Later on I began to go the total opposite direction and became afraid to say anything around people I don’t know well. That’s where I’m at now. Your post has reminded me that I need to have someone that I can vent my feelings to and feel safe. I’m reminded that I can’t bottle everything up. For me, I can get overwhelmed by emotions. If I bottle them and bottle them eventually their going to either lead to a depressed state or I’m going to experience a bit of an emotional melt-down. I’m also reminded that I can be a very ALL or NOTHING kind of person. You know either I have to be the life of the party, or a total recluse. Maybe somewhere in-between would be o.k.

Thanks for your post.

Oh yeah…Are you still off the meds(you mentioned this in an earlier post)? How are things going?

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[blackdog]

@robynshnobyn

I know exactly how you feel. I always feel like there is no one I can really talk to about the things that matter. And I can’t talk to them about the things that don’t matter to me either because I just lose interest or don’t have anything to say on the subject. So I pretty much just don’t talk to people.

I have the same problem with the awkward silence that seems to follow anything I say. But the bigger problem for me is just not knowing what to say in the first place. I feel like there is something I need to get out but I just can’t figure out what it is or how to express it. And I end up talking in circles and trying desperately to explain what I am tryig to say but no one gets it. Or I just don’t bother at all and I go crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and wallow in misery for awhile.

And then I do exactly the same thing, belittling my feelings and telling myself that everything is okay and I just have to get up, put a smile on my face, and keep going.

I have always wished I had just one friend that I could be with when I feel like that who would understand and just sit with me, hold my hand, lend me their shoulder to lean on,  no explanation needed. They would just understand that I am sad and that’s enough. And they would know what to say, what not to say, and when to say nothing at all. But apparently those friends only exist in movies.

I know this isn’t really helpful, but all I have to offer is empathy. Maybe someone else will have some good advice for you. All I can say is hang in there and take a deep breath.  And keep trying to write down your thoughts and feelings, or talk to the air if you have to. I’ve been talking to air, walls, stuffed animals,  and other inanimate objects my whole life. They never complain.

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