The Forums Forums Emotional Journey My Story That which wasn’t

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  • halobender
    Participant

    This is my first post. I must admit however that I have lurked several forums and threads regarding the phenomena add/adhd. Amongst myself I have battled regarding posting. Often in times past, as I have tonight, I wrote long would be posts. Only to in the end hit the back button on my browser or to delete the note I had written it in.

    I find it to be crazy the amount of time that I’ll pour into doing something, only to later abandon ship. A sudden change in mind for one reason or another as being the usual cause. Tonight’s reason being similar to many prior. That posting what was written would go unread. What was intended to be a brief summary of my experiences quickly charaded itself as being booklike. Although, there the words remain, hidden within the yellow paper icon. There it is sitting at the top of the long list of ghosts past. The iOS note novel; unknown and untitled by the madman that knows not himself.

    For this very reason this post in itself may also suffer such a fate. Then again, perhaps this time I’ll manage to click the green submit button before retreat. If that weren’t the plan I question if I would even be here.

    I feel empty and void of soul most days. Today no different. That is not to suggest feelings of unhappiness, rather it is that I can’t fathom a single feeling at all. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m still me, whoever that is. So much is different or appears to me as being such.

    In times past. Focus was difficult. Not becoming sidetracked even more so. A constant refusal of not attempting or accepting anything less than perfection. Everything having its place. Order being maintained among chaos. I’m pretty sure that is what drove this wreck. Now focus is simple. Never mind that 9/10 times it’s focusing on something unintended. Or a endless focus on something that was intended to only last a moment.

    Reading. I could sit and read all day. I can watch or listen to videos. Sometimes that is. Others I grow impatient and fast forward through content. I cannot however manage television viewing any longer. Some days work is AMAZING and what I accomplish is incredible. Other days. Well. Not so much.

    Was the trade off worth it? Sometimes I wish to go back. It was more difficult. Yet a soul did I have. Joy was there too. Anymore most things are a time sink. Guilt ensues. All is lost within. Should have known better. Even amidst previous chaos and feeling broken perhaps there should I have remained. #metoo

    That Guy with ADHD
    Participant

    Hello halobender and welcome to the forum!

    Your forum entry reads like poetry. I’m glad that you found the strength to push the “Submit” button.

    I understand all too well what it means to pour time and effort into something only to lose interest and jump onto something else. I have a collection of unfinished projects all over my home. The energy required to finish them seems out of reach.

    The emptyness you feel is something I also have to deal with although I do feel pangs of sadness regarding the difficulties with my marriage.

    The lack of focus and the ease of distraction is my biggest problem. It robs me of everything I hold dear including my work life, home life, and personal life.

    You are truely among friends here at TotallyADD.

    Regards
    Richard
    AKA That Guy with ADHD

    ladyviking48
    Participant

    Hello halobender.well I’m new on this site also.I think I only made 1 other post.I’ve mostly been reading other people’s stories. Thanks for sharing.Your post seemed to help me take the plunge and just post.you really hit home some of the feelings I experience. As that add guy said to be here is among friends.I feel like we can all share even vent a little here.Seems like many of us have struggles with our add/adhd. I too write novels.I also grow bored and impatient when reading, sometimes listening. I get bored and ‘cut to the chase’ skipping chapters or skimming book chapters from back to front. I have difficulty organizing my thoughts in a clear concise manner and I know it. Trying really hard for a thought or piece of work to be respectable and decipherable and “good enough” may be disguised as perfectionism.Or boredom. It seems to take me more mental energy to do mental tasks the later the day gets. I’m no good after 6pm. Less hi thinking tasks then.Especially if its a busy work day or if I’ve had to pretend to be somebody else for 8 hrs, and be “on” at my job dealing with lots of people and changing situations.once I get home I can be myself.Im best off having wind down time. I’m not particularly fond of crowds for long periods.I prefer my regular people/ friends for shorter visits.I also procrastinate projects especially ones that are not paid.My thoughts race like a bobsled which hops over to the other lane on its own.I have tapes of negativity that i tell myself that remind me of my deficits.I try not to listen to those thoughts.Sometimes I interupt people randomly,mostly cause i’m excited to say something that connects me to what the other person is saying..not to compete or, not that i dont care what the person said. I try really hard not to at work.We know there are rules we need to follow to get along with everyone in life:at work, at school, relationships in general. Sometimes it takes lots of mental energy to do it.I also feel like I am going to be unmasked. Everyone will know about my deficits, feelings of inadequacy,being overwhelmed, confusion with communication, lonliness. (Even if you can’t see my struggles within.)I try hard just to keep up with everyday living tasks.Sometimes trying to keep life organized,on time, family visited, cared for, work done,yes I feel not good enough,effective enough, tidy enough. Like the gig is up.. the fear of being unmasked. Well halobender and add guy Somehow just letting this information out to others who can understand feels very good. I feel like maybe we are all here for a reason. Maybe this is where we realize we are allowed to be who we are and it is ok. Were all on a journey, all trying to learn and improve and find some new ways to cope and find acceptance of our good and valuable gifts and traits plus accept some of our weaknesses. Build on our gifts and strengths.my motto is different is ok.I dont wanna be like everyone else.

    Thanksfor sharing and letting me share! Ladyviking48

    ladyviking48
    Participant

    Halobender i really meant to mention your words are heard and taken to heart.We are here together.# metoo

    That Guy with ADHD
    Participant

    Welcome to the forum Ladyviking48!

    I’ve found it very helpful to be around others who can truley understand me. They, like you, are like a part of my family.

    Your friend

    Richard
    AKA That Guy with ADHD

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