So: it’s a few minutes to five in the morning, and I can’t sleep on a bet.
I’m listening to the committee of voices in my head go on about a bunch of stuff that has happened over twenty years, and I’m seething clear through.
Please understand that I don’t lose my temper. Ever. The last time I did, just after coming back from Vietnam Nam in very early 1972, it was my oldest brother who kept kept me from killing my other brother with my bare hands when he had angered me, and I let the genie out of the bottle.
It frightened me, a combat veteran, to the point I stuffed that genie back in the bottle and drove the cork with a sledge hammer.
Nothing disturbs the cork.
Over the years, I put up with ridicule in spite of being able to surpass those who were carrying on, I put up with being called stupid. I put up with continually looking ahead and deducing how events would go and yet being told I was ridiculous until after I was proved correct, only to be told there was no way I could have foreseen that coming. ( people with add/adhd CAN do that.) I put up with people lying to my face and expecting me to believe ludicrous garbage that a blind man could see through.
It has collected in here for a lot of years.
I just got out of hospital, where I went for a breathing problem, only to have them tell me I had a heart attack two months ago, and I have a bunch of meds that I’m not sure are to blame, but cracks are trying to form around the cork.
And I’m sitting here trying like hell to shut the committee up. Should the cork fail, I have no idea what’s going to happen, and I know it.
No, I don’t have an official diagnosis, and, at my age, I’m not worrying about it now. I do not take any drugs for it, because I really became aware only a few months ago, and that was because I was researching it due to my son’s diagnosis which I’ve known about since 1990, and I’m too old to become someone I’m not, now. So, no, I don’t have a cupboard full of “shut ‘m up drugs” that I can just pop one of these, and blend back in with the maddening crowd. And I don’t drink alcohol, so I can’t just go get drunk.
My question is, does anyone else put up with the committee, and how do you deal with it without turning into a drug addict or a drunk ?
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