The Relief is Palpable

[Anonymous]

I almost lost myself caring for a man who sapped me of all emotion, joy and trust for years.

The details will be familiar to all of you, and here is all I have to say: Leave. Leave them. I know that ADD’ers are wonderful people with sweet intentions, but unless you yourself are willing to live a life of lowered expectations and being ignored, Leave. Leave for your own sanity. You are worth so, so much more than this.

It has been 4 months and I am SO HAPPY. I finally have my life back. I no longer feel panicked and anxious all the time. The “anxiety disorder” I thought I may have turns out to have been kind of a ptsd from being disappointed and let down – even over the smallest things – so often.

I know it is harsh. I know it sounds mean, and it may not be what you want to hear, but there is no fairy tale.

Love yourself. And leave.

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[Tiddler]

I’m glad you have found peace and freedom from your distressing relationship.

However, I must add that your bad relationship does not equate to all relationships where one person has ADHD.

Perhaps you could have said, IF your relationship is a damaging one, then leave.

For you, it didn’t work out. For many, many more of us, we are having happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships.

As an ADHDer who has been physically, sexually and emotionally abused by someone who was supposed to love me, I think it worth mentioning that it is not always the person who has ADHD who is causing the problems.

My marriage is a strong one. My husband is not ignored. We do not have a life of ‘lowered expectations’. We treat each other with respect.

I’m sorry once again that your relationship was so damaging and I’m glad it’s over for you, but please be careful not to tar us all with the same brush.

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[Robbo]

Thanks Tiddler,

Well said. It’s hard work to forgive myself for being much less of the partner I wanted to be so many times. I have taken more punishment than I deserved, and much of that punishment wasn’t even about my mistakes. I can also say that I’ve been able to make a few of the ladies in my life over the years very happy. I think maybe I had a problem with picking out some of the most feisty women on the planet. lol. Whelp, ya win some ya loose some. Easy come easy go, right?

Sometimes the world expects too much from us. I still have hope that I will find the right lady out there, and I’ll be able to be the best man I can be again.

Thanks for sharing overanddonewith. Your personal experience matters, and for whatever it’s worth. I’m hoping you can forgive. I define forgiveness as simply caring for and healing the damage that has been done, regardless of who’s responsible. It’s my job to heal me. That’s forgiveness. Justice is never perfect, and we can’t extract justice without a spirit of forgiveness. I can’t force the world to give me the justice I think I deserve. Sometimes justice is just not available. Almost nothing about this life is fair.

You deserve happiness. Hopefully being able to express yourself has helped you to move foreword, to heal. It’s also a good idea to find people in your life who can listen to you and have compassion for you. Without judgement. There may be some video’s here or relationship threads that have information you can use to process your feelings. Please feel free to surf around and see if you can find some comfort, maybe even some compassion. In particular, some compassion for yourself as well as the partner you had to let go of. We’re all just human beings trying to make our way in a strange and mixed up world. I’ll bet you can find people that feel how you feel here. There are plenty of partners of ADHD people here.

Good luck.

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[Tiddler]

I wonder what the stats are for ADHD relationships. I know we’re more likely to have broken relationships behind us. I’m interested to know both what we can do to improve things from our partners’ points of view AND to know how many of us have such low self esteem that we choose entirely unsuitable partners who are either looking for someone to control or someone to belittle. I know that happened to me twice before I met my husband.

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[Author]

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