The Silent Treatment

[Anonymous]

My doctor recently told me that I have Asperger’s in addition to ADHD. Frankly, assorted doctors have told me assorted things over the years so I’m not sure what to think any more. But in this new light, I realized something.

I have been acting like everyone in the world has been giving me the silent treatment when it is very likely it’s a different kind of silence. They have been communicating, sending me signals that they assumed I understood, but I couldn’t “hear.” So I interpreted it as silence – specifically the silent treatment, where I assume they were mad at me for some reason, that I had done something that prompted them to ignore me.

This is somewhat helpful, though I still lack the tools to understand what is going on. And can I break the cycle that makes me assume I’m at the receiving end of “the silent treatment?”

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[Anonymous]

BC ‘s mental healthcare does not like to get down and dirty and actually provide counselling of any sort.

Out here, they seem most happy to suggest alternate, publicly funded support groups that have spiffy names

like ‘Avenues for Couples” . there are too many books and too many self help sites open for all sorts of us.

I have taken to writting down the rare times when someone has said something that seems to really apply to me.

There is a lot of stuff being said about adhd, drugs, cbt, coaching and etc … i think that many have seen adhd as

another soft target for selling whatever book or treatment they have, so we are hit with both the ‘magic pill’ and

the attached belief that we need to ” fix whatever it is that we have”.

Sorry TooFat does this much better .. i am floundering with setting my thoughts up

To get to the point and to shorten the tale of what i was told …

i have had this adhd and associated stuff for decades. Long before there were therapy or drug treatments,

there was ADHD behavior, and over time there was kinds of adjusting … behavior modifiying as we

attempted to survive in what at times seems to be a strange world.

1 } Stop assumptions 2} stop dwelling on / in the past 3} live as if you have no memory of yesterdays [see #2]

4] speak to people, or do not speak to people, but do not get wound up with how they feel about you or what

they may or may not think about yuou …. that is not your job.

5 relax, sniff flowers, bring your senses into enjoying the present moment … no worrying .. it does not do anything

So that is the greeting card version …. get one or more solid friends .. Barkley et al have said that they are working on

finding a new name, one that more clearly encompasses what ADHD seems to shape up to be … if they are in this

process, then should we be concerned with the lables or should we be concerned with doing what it takes to find a

life that is ‘as good as it gets” ?

ps yes i have been told i have aspergers and anxiety and adhd and perhaps other stuff as well …

not sure that it is a good idea to identfy myself that way … do i have it or does it have me … strange shite “

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[Anonymous]

Forgive me, Tea, but I have no idea what you are talking about.

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[Anonymous]

But I thought it was a great post with tons of wisdom for me!

Are you referring to the social cues that other people are sending and you’re not getting? I think bother aspergers and adhd have elements of that – aspergers probably moreso. If only people would just say what they mean (without being rude) and we didn’t have to guess. And toss and turn all night replaying that scene in our mind wondering what was there that we missed.

Sigh.

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[munchkin]

I think I’m over senstive to the social cues I detect, and/or misunderstand. I tend to take everything as negative (like the silent treatment) if I’m feeling anxious. When I’m feeling good, I tend to take everything positive or ignore anything I don’t understand – also not ideal, but happier.

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[wolfshades]

GameGuy: your description of your perception of others is interesting. It sounds as though you might lack a kind of social empathy – which includes the ability to “see” body language and other non-verbal communication cues. If so, you’re probably more comfortable with explicit verbal communication. Is that a fair summation?

If so, I suppose the first thing to understand is that yes, you’re not necessarily getting “the silent treatment” – although, on the few occasions where you might be getting that treatment, you might not be able to determine the difference. (Between “silent treatment” and “non-verbal communication/body language”.). I have no idea how to sort this all out – but I would suggest that some cognitive therapy might be in order. Just a thought, anyway.

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[kc5jck]

I think Tea has five very good points. As an additional thought, if we stop trying to read “body language” and ignore it, then maybe people will stop trying to use it on us and verbalize what they want us to know. Then we can ignore them. But at least we will have known what the message was.

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[Anonymous]

Wolfshades: Yes, I tend to take what I hear fairly literally. I have a really bad habit of thinking I have to come up with an answer to every rhetorical question I hear. I really feel more comfortable with a concrete set of instructions. At least, when dealing with others. I am very conscious of trying not to displease or upset anyone (due mostly in part to past difficulties). On my own, I’m content to accept my own standards (though I still get upset when things sometimes don’t turn out as I imagined – I’m not comfortable with surprises, change or transitions – but that’s a story for another time).

As it so happens, this came up in cognitive therapy. Up til now I’ve been pretty much making my own assumptions – “filling in the blanks” when it comes to non-verbal communication and (based on a plethora of past mishaps) automatically assumed the worst. But in this new light, it’s no longer that I’m getting the silent treatment – it’s now that I am simply “deaf” to this form of communication. The silence is my own inability to hear.

My first step is to learn to stop fearing the silence – a little bit easier now that I understand that it is not automatically what I once thought it was – and learn to “stick my neck out” and explain that I simply do not understand and request clarification. I know I have a long way to go, but I feel heartened by this discovery. Keep your fingers crossed.

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[munchkin]

It just came to me in therapy this week – that I act chirpy and happy all the time as a defense mechanism of not knowing the appropriate response to the situation, and also just being too distracted to notice or follow what’s going on in the room socially.

Like I just had someone say something to me yesterday, and I just didn’t follow it, but I smiled happily and nodded and laughed – like “right on, man!” and then I realized right at the end that he had been talking sadly about someone who died, but saying it in a happy sounding tone of voice. I felt so bad, but there was really nothing I could do but move on.

I want to try to start paying more attention to people – build up some confidence that I can follow what’s going on… The faking it thing is probably not serving me as well as I think it is.

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[Anonymous]

Tea……that is a Hallmark version for sure…..hahahaha, good chuckle!! I can’t say I would disagree with your philosophy at all. Assumptions really are beasts, and generally when I make them (and I try not to)…..they can be incorrect or hmmmm…at least slightly off base. So, if I’m curious and I find my self reading something into a persons comments, or even body language…….. I stop them………and I ask… for either confirmation, or clarification….fair enough I think?? I found I have overtime, developed a useful skill of pausing, or politely asking via verbal or body language, for a pause in the conversation. It works…it works wonders. I can collect my thoughts, ask for clarification from the speaker……or affirmation. Funny, but folks don’t seem to mind, they seem to appreciate the idea you are listening and listening intently……they seem to feel good about it. Nice side benefit it reduces mental drift and tends to keep me focused…

As for caring (intensely) about what others think, or think about me…. that’s interesting but……nope, not me so much either. I’m not usually very caring about others opinions of me, particularly if they are just casual acquaintances. I tend save my emotional dimes for those things, and those people (those few things & people)….I really care deeply for???

Sniff the flowers………always…..in all ways. That’s that good stuff is it not Tea????

Sounds like you have a direction Munch…cool!! There are so many tools that can assist us in that aspect. Funny but, I have learned that being uncomfortable is important to me… a clue, a signal of sorts….if I heed that signal, pay attention to it…..it usually will guide me to understanding my needs…where I’m failing myself, if you will. I find also that there is a quietness that comes to me when I’m back on the right track……but it is the dis-ease that is my cue!!! Dis-ease is actually a good friend…as strange as that may sound.

Interesting thread…….for me anyway.

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

lol Hello

TooFat … yes there are days when i keep spouting Hallmarks stuff … likely too much Mary Tyler Moore.

I did finally find an excellent coach, accupresure specialist and full time musician … Vancouver Island is looking better.

Keep well, next step is yoga … might as well get blood moving inbetween caffine jolts “)

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[Anonymous]

When I read the title of the thread I thought it was going to be about some sort of punishment that a spouse or parent may give a person with ADD. I was married to someone who when they got mad at me for some mistake (house a mess again) he’d either yell or decide to give me the silent treatment. It didn’t work because the symptom of ADD that I have the worst is pretty much constant talking. I do this especially when there are uncomfortable silences.

For me as a extroverted person with ADD it’s not like people give me the silent treatment as much as constant teasing about how much I talk. The teasing causes me to try hard to shut up for awhile but it’s a hard sell to my brain.

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[Author]

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